Ah shit, and here I was thinking I've figured it out
Yeah, I've been realizing this today. The identification of what the pain is isn't what makes it go away. Into the rabbit hole we go!
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| Please Don't Hurt Me http://naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3659 |
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| Author: | Aragorn [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:01 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Please Don't Hurt Me |
It's been quite a ride, everything here. A week ago, I had an epiphany regarding self-love, and how that relates to swallowing the red pill (once you accept that everybody is in it for themselves and that nobody truly loves you, you see that you are the person who's love you've been seeking all along) and it felt good and I thought it would be a permanent glow. But it wasn't. Once again, I spiraled into a dark place of anger and fear. But what that epiphany did help with is give me some sort of motivation to continue on the path of discovery and not avoidance. And what I found out today is the core issue of everything that's been bothering me - I woke up with some mild anxiety, and after going into that for a little bit and truly feeling it out, I heard a voice say "Please, don't hurt me". That's what it's always been. Trying to get people to like me. Trying to avoid them hurting me, because my true voice would eventually lead to some sort of pain. And I was very afraid of that. I never really did want intimate relations with a woman as much as I feared them. Feared them for the eventual anger from their end and attempts to hurt me. Same thing with friendships. Or any social bonds, for that matter. Under the guise of "self-discovery" and "turning into a cocoon before becoming a butterfly", I've become a recluse. Afraid to interact. Because this feeling of dread was getting closer and closer. And I think I've finally faced it. So there it is - I was afraid of getting hurt. That's what all my self-improvement was motivated towards - avoiding that pain and hiding myself from people, because showing myself would mean they see me and have an opportunity to hurt me. I've always felt shit-scared with eye contact, even more so lately. 1 on 1 conversations. In groups, at least, I had the option of hiding and feeling angry for them not paying attention to me, but that was just a cover up for the relief of not having attention aimed at me. But now I know what the anxiety was, how it morphed into anger. Now I accept. And now, I can move on. |
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| Author: | Jared [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
("What if I was defeated in every turn but responded with no despair?") |
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| Author: | fufe [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
Holy fuck that struck a cord It seems like the issue I have, but it manifests a little differently (I'm not afraid of eye contact, I make it with pretty much every person I see), but I get the impression is very simmilar pain inside The "Please don't hurt me" part really struck Gonna ponder on this |
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| Author: | peregrinus [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 3:44 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
Beautiful moose35 |
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| Author: | Flow83 [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 3:49 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
The mandate of the human nervous system is to move away from pain. Most self help is just pain avoidance. You've been told this many times but it's another animal when you see it operating and this is what is important. First you must be willing to look at it and move into it consciously. NOT think about it. The NS responds to the mind as though it is real. Instead of being in the present moment, you see another person and project all of your past hurt or imagined future pain onto it. It responds to this as though it's an actual bear chasing you - trying to put positive thinking on top of that is pointless. You move *through* it to see things as they are. Including the whole heroic drama of you vs the world. You are human like everyone else. Even your story at the core is the basic human story of protecting itself from pain. Accepting THIS pill makes it all go down even faster. You also begin to see behavior from others operating from this same mechanism and this frees you from taking it so personally and so resistant to it. That's not the whole truth it is just a model. But that's the deal. The work is to feel it and face it and keep stepping into the actual experience, fear and all. Not easy but worth it. Keep on man. |
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| Author: | Meraki [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 6:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
Nice Moose. Keep moving into it. Go all the way through to the other side. |
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| Author: | Aragorn [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 9:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me |
Ah shit, and here I was thinking I've figured it out Yeah, I've been realizing this today. The identification of what the pain is isn't what makes it go away. Into the rabbit hole we go! |
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| Author: | roark [ Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:49 pm ] | ||
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me | ||
Yeah, I've been realizing this today. The identification of what the pain is isn't what makes it go away. 
Into the rabbit hole we go! Yes! Yes! Yes! And uncomfortable as it may be, remember that even if you pass this way again, it won't be exactly the same, so don't forget to enjoy the journey as much as you can.Fucking beautiful, man. Keep going! |
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| Author: | Resonance [ Mon Dec 16, 2013 8:09 pm ] | ||
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me | ||
It's been quite a ride, everything here. A week ago, I had an epiphany regarding self-love, and how that relates to swallowing the red pill (once you accept that everybody is in it for themselves and that nobody truly loves you, you see that you are the person who's love you've been seeking all along) and it felt good and I thought it would be a permanent glow.
Congratulations on your progress I see you've come far  nothing is truly permanent, but there are some things that are lasting that is worth the journey, I believe Roark said this that the more indifferent you are the longer the state will last or something to that effect, I forgot actually  but it's something along those lines, I will do a search and find the link and post it here when I get the chance.
But it wasn't. Once again, I spiraled into a dark place of anger and fear. But what that epiphany did help with is give me some sort of motivation to continue on the path of discovery and not avoidance.
I understand you very well on this matter, I actually had came to the same conclusion recently but not of afraid of being hurt but more like I was always living in fear and I made a lot of dumb choices based off this fear. I don't want to thread jack so I will keep it brief and when the availability is better and when I make the progress I want to make I will make another post about it on here, but seriously good for you on this insight keep it up. And what I found out today is the core issue of everything that's been bothering me - I woke up with some mild anxiety, and after going into that for a little bit and truly feeling it out, I heard a voice say "Please, don't hurt me". That's what it's always been. Trying to get people to like me. Trying to avoid them hurting me, because my true voice would eventually lead to some sort of pain. And I was very afraid of that. I never really did want intimate relations with a woman as much as I feared them. Feared them for the eventual anger from their end and attempts to hurt me. Same thing with friendships. Or any social bonds, for that matter. Under the guise of "self-discovery" and "turning into a cocoon before becoming a butterfly", I've become a recluse. Afraid to interact. Because this feeling of dread was getting closer and closer. And I think I've finally faced it. So there it is - I was afraid of getting hurt. That's what all my self-improvement was motivated towards - avoiding that pain and hiding myself from people, because showing myself would mean they see me and have an opportunity to hurt me. I've always felt shit-scared with eye contact, even more so lately. 1 on 1 conversations. In groups, at least, I had the option of hiding and feeling angry for them not paying attention to me, but that was just a cover up for the relief of not having attention aimed at me. But now I know what the anxiety was, how it morphed into anger. Now I accept. And now, I can move on. 
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| Author: | Sniper [ Wed Dec 18, 2013 2:43 am ] | ||
| Post subject: | Re: Please Don't Hurt Me | ||
I was afraid of getting hurt.
Flow83:
Even your story at the core is the basic human story of protecting itself from pain. Accepting THIS pill makes it all go down even faster. You also begin to see behavior from others operating from this same mechanism and this frees you from taking it so personally and so resistant to it.
just a small story-last week I met two guys I knew from high school at a student event (I had no idea they are going to be there, we met by accident). I haven't seen them for 10+ years.... anyway, they were football players in high school, had a huge social circle, had chicks going after them and etc... They also seemed super confident in high school. When we met at the student event we later went for a beer (we didn't study at the same university BTW, that's why I never saw them before). Anyway, one of these guys was in India for a year and got heavy into drugs. During the conversation where he opened up to me (maybe it was the alcohol cause we weren't good friends in high school) he told me that he was very insecure from the inside even in high school and was always afraid to get hurt. he said: because everyone thought I had no problem or fear of getting hurt - it made my fear stronger and at one point I broke down and got into drugs. so as Flow pointed out- our stories are not unique and even the guys who seem so confident are often just hiding their fears and issues. |
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