Natural Freedom

So, I started the fall semester of college about a month ago. In this short time, I've burned one female and gave out my number about 4-6 times. None of the women have texted me so they must like subconsciously because I'm receiving too many signals to think they don't.

I've come to accept the fact that women who like you subconsciously won't always bite. I've decided that if my showing interest in them isn't good enough to kick start their brain then their is nothing else to do. I'm going to pass up on these women because the line is too fine between subconscious and conscious, although I'm getting very perceptive at picking up the fine line amongst different women. What one woman considers as a conscious action is just routine activity for another. I recently read a neuroscience article that details that many of our actions aren't even controlled consciously, even elaborate ones. Consequently, I came to the conclusion that what is conscious for one woman could be unconscious for another woman.

Anywho, there's a fine red head in one of my class. She's spoken to me first on every occasion that I've seen her except when other men are chasing her, and there are a lot of other men chasing her. I can't compete with their financial clout, but I don't give a damn. Anyway, I see her on accident in a study room. As I'm unpacking my materials, I'm pretty sure she spends the whole of 3 minutes attempting to get my attention quietly. I give her a short response when I see her across from me at the table.

I decide that I'll give her my number when I'm ready to finish working or when she's about to leave. She winds up getting ready to leave before me. Apparently, she popped in some fresh gum before deciding to talk to me because I smell the sickly sweet stench of bubble gum on her breath as she's about 8-12 inches away from my face. I tell her to step outside the room with me. She follows me and then asks me about what I'm studying and other monotonous questions standing about a foot and half away from me. The bubble gum she's chewing is frying my nostrils because it seems like she's attempting to blow it in my face. After I have my fill of the conversation, I tell her to take my number down. I let her know that I usually give tips in cash but that she should keep my number because it will be the biggest tip of her life. She's wide eyed as I say that.

Anyway, she doesn't mention texting me, and when I told her to take my number down she stuck the phone in my face for me to dial in the digits. Well, I take that as the first test I should have checked her on. It's so small that it didn't register in my head until about 5 seconds after she started walking away. Something about the interaction didn't sit right with me. I had a strong feeling that she wouldn't text me. That feeling came to fruition.

I immediately plan a way to spit game at her without having to talk to her directly and let her know what I'm about. The plan falls through though because like I predicted again she wouldn't show up to the next class early. Well, after a few days have passed, she's back to normal wanting to get my attention. The bitch thinks this shit is some sort of game. I just look at her while she's waving to me in the cafeteria and don't say anything. I go to bathroom and walk back in and my friend is about 7 feet away from her getting coffee. He's paralyzed so his PCA is with him. I decide to play off the fact that she didn't text me. There was another female in front of us. I tell my friend that the most recent female I met hasn't texted me. She literally said she would so this is all truth. I tell him, "the bitch thinks this shit is some game. It must be a game to her because she said she would text me. Well, I got news for her ass. I'm going to treat her like a gremlin. I'm going to treat her like a gremlin after midnight."

The woman in front of us laughs and she's about the same distance as the red headed shit head that thinks this shit is game. My friend caps, "What woman don't you treat like a gremlin?" I respond, "Plenty. The ones that behave like their supposed to." The woman in front us starts a conversation with the PCA, then speaks to my friend, and then to me before leaving. Since she and the red headed girl were about the same distance apart. I think the red headed girl could hear me, although she was talking to someone else.

Anyway, class comes around again and like a habit she's developing she makes sure that she's in front of me and turns around to speak to me. Well, by golly if I wasn't in an intolerant, inconsolable, and down right pissy mood to see her have the audacity to speak to me. I don't make an angry face. Truth is I'm not mad at her. My face gets firm as a 13 year old ho's ass before she looks at me because I already know she's going to speak. She speaks to me. No response from me. She slows down so she's walking right next to me and asks if there's something wrong with me a nervousness to it. I drop the bomb on her, "No, I don't feel like speaking to you right now." Another nervous laughter from her stupid ass and before she gets the chance to fall into my trap. Two tall white symps descend on her and immediately start obviously hitting on her. That's probably the second best alternative possible. Shit, I got the last word in.

It'll be time to take her to court the next time she speaks to me.

Still way too staunch...it really isn't that serious.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

It should be no surprise to anyone that I agree with The Kidd here.

If hooking up with girls was Call of Duty, I'd call you a tryhard.

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“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . ."

-Thoreau's Walden

And for me, too much arrogance and too much to prove. Trying to control her because you feel controlled. Now that all comes under 'staunchness', but I'll expand a little.

Slim, it was only when I began to see through my own arrogance that I could loosen up and actually have fun. The singular most important thing I've learnt is to not take myself too seriously with all this. Hell, it's not like I have it all down, but nowadays I don't really care if I don't. And this irreverance is what is helping me calibrate.

And the best thing about not taking yourself too seriously? Why, you actually become more fluid. You really need to let go of that tight grip in your core.

You know it. I don't know what it is that keeps me trapped in this part of my mindset. Every time I think I'm making 2 steps forward I just keep going one step back.
Point out my arrogance so that I may see it for myself and learn from this mistake. I do my best to put my ego aside every chance I get.

I will say this, Slim...you have definitely eaten some humble pie...I can feel it in your writing.

Kudos to you, sir...true progress isn't very far behind, I promise you.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

Lines like this bely your ego. Do normal, not cocky and self-indulgent people say shit like this? Doubtful. Be more normal, for goodness sakes. Self confidence and holding yourself in high esteem is something best communicated through posture/body language, and subconscious communication, rather than using words. Unless you have to front blast, but thats only if a girl is fronting, which it didn't sound like this girl was at that moment.

Unless of course you said that line in a self-mocking kind of way and it was a big joke, but since her reaction did not include laughter, I doubt it was said jokingly...

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"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho

Meraki, you say all that when someone gives you a tip?

???

_________________
"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho

If I did that I would have to quote the whole post. This is partly the point though, in that you want me to pick out particular things whereas it's the essence of the behaviour that you need to look at. Something about not seeing the wood for the trees - Is that the right saying?

Don't take this as anything other than me recognising myself in you. The rigidity, staunchness, arrogance etc, are all things I have battled with and decided to let go of. Arrogance is fine...when it comes from a place of inner strength and power, but from insecurity? You see the difference? You will, trust me on that.

You're still at College, Slim? That would make you, what, 21 appx? You young cats make me laugh. I'm only 6 or 7 years older, but as you will find out there's a large abyss in difference between the ages. It's like a lifetime ago. Not in terms of superiority, or that I know more than YOU, but in that you young cats think you just have to have it all figured out. Some of you even think you HAVE it figured out

I was the same. Now I veer between the two - I know it all and yet I really know nothing. The best thing to come out of it is that I laugh at myself now. Try it.

Rant....don't question it too much

Fuck, I don't know what my insecurities are. I don't feel insecure.
How do I tell when my arrogance is coming from a place of inner strength and power?

Agreed. I pulled out that one thing to highlight because it was a good example. But in reality, its your whole tone, your description of the entire interaction belies ego. It feels like your trying to communicate "I'm the shit" to the world all the time.

First problem is that you're trying to communicate this, rather than embodying it and letting other people come to the conclusion on their own (or not). If your the shit, then your the shit, no need to point it out to anyone. And if you are the shit and someone else doesn't recognize that, oh well. No biggie.

Next level down, what is "the shit" that you are trying to communicate that you are. Does your ego gain some sort of satisfaction from knowing that you are more pimp tight than other people? That you know things about the world that others don't? Or conversely, does your ego have some sort of aversion to NOT being pimp tight, or NOT being special in some way? What if you weren't special in any way, how would you feel about that?

One more level below that - what is the I that wants to be the shit? Sit with this one for a bit...

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"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho

...Because you don't have enough awareness.
When you feel strong and powerful.

You're going to have to get in tune with yourself now.

I do get satisfaction from thinking I'm more pimp tight then others. I never thought it was a problem because I just think about it when I'm alone. However, this probably manifests itself in my actions when I'm with other people. I had my suspicions, but it's something that I couldn't confirm until now.

I've always had trouble with 3rd person perspective on myself and my actions because I'm not that bright with visualization or logic. This may be a limiting belief that I have.

Yeah, my ego ain't shit. My ego is what wants to be the shit. That is the core I at least I think. I don't really care about being the shit when I'm in the moment though.
I was thinking about this statement. Even before you posted this response it seemed self-evident that that was the case. I thought about it in relation to being water. Water is hot when it's steam. Water is cold when it's ice. Water is formless in it's liquid. The containers that people place for you, you can fill them up. However, the people don't decide the content of the container. Water at it's best is when people think they can see clear to the bottom of the container, but all they see is their self and the limitations of the container that they tried to put you in because to a certain extent water is invisible and concealing.
Relatedly, in the last five days since I've read this post I've been practicing what you said about being more fluid.

The post where you mentioned being like water is what gave me a basis for some ideas.

I felt strong and powerful last night. I literally creaming my pants while I was talking to this woman that's my friend's PCA. I could tell she liked me. I just started going with the flow. I'm still working out where my mindset went wrong if anything went wrong last night.

It wasn't until I left her and told her to call me later that night so I could come by and scoop her up if she wanted to come back to my room that I started questioning myself. It was like a flood of extraneous thoughts. It was like there were two sides to me. The side that knew what I did had to happen the way it did, and then there was the side of me that was wondering if I fucked it up. My ego seems to take over a lot when I'm alone. I guess my ego thinks it needs to fill space.

Of course my doubts were dismissed when she called me at 2:00am to come and pick her up. We start watching a movie in my room. She gives me resistance about getting comfortable with me. Errrrr basically letting me play with her body while she's watching the movie. After a while she helps me a little bit and then stops.

It's close to 3am so we leave to go see my friend who's talking to some woman. When we get to the spot my friend is already back in his room out of his wheelchair and supposedly in bed with the woman he was talking to.

A question that had been bugging me all night about whether she had asthma or something convinced me to ask her. Of course she does and we take her car back to my room to use my inhaler. When I asked her if she wanted to finish the movie she said in an excited way that she was just about to ask me the same thing. We watch the movie and she's getting more resistant to me playing with her so I let it go and just watch the movie.

After the movie, I'm thinking that I feel like fucking her so I decide that I'm going to bring everything I know in front of her. However, I actually don't present the evidence. I don't know why.

My words exactly, "I think you like me. I don't know how long it's been since you've creased the sheets, but I feel like making a few folds in them with you. I don't know you friends except the one that my friend was talking to, and I don't know her by face. So, it's something we can keep discrete."

Her words exactly after laughing, "It hasn't been that long since I creased the sheets, but I am seeing someone right now. However, you can text me. I don't know when I see your friend again, but I'll see you tomorrow. I do like you though."

[edit: I forgot to add the bolded and underlined part when I originally wrote the message. I just took it for granted that you guys knew she said that. I free wrote this whole message without editing until the end. I'm surprised I left out that important confirmation of my beliefs.]

Then about 17 minutes after she left I receive this long text message.

"I can tell you were pretty upset when I left, and I'm sorry if you feel I led you on in anyway. But I don't usually grease the sheets as you called it with anyone on the first night, that's not very classy."

My only thought was that I won't text like she told me in person because she was indicating that she wanted space. However, her text message seems to indicate something different so I responded to her today after I ate lunch, did some work, talked to a girl, drank a coffee and smoked two cigarettes.

"Ok. I understand. That didn't stop me from having a fun time. Just make it up to me tonight."

I realize that I'm acknowledging that I was upset about last night, but I don't have a conscience about it. I told her to make it up to me tonight because if she really has a conscience about her actions and she's still down for me then she'll come through like she said when she talked to me in person. Either way, I still think she wants to have have sex.

I'm still working on being more fluid. Oddly, my ego didn't come up with all kinds of ideas after she left. I guess my ego was satisfied, or I put it aside.

The surface of water can appear as a mirror

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Too much "I's". That's that ego that you want to keep in check.
it's all about what you want...not saying that it's bad, but as it is above so it is below. where is it coming from? from a place of strength... or a place of wanting?
this is a beautiful response, if SHE initiates the sex.

the fact that she laughed and responded the way she did, is a response because of what you said, I mean you two had previously been engaging in kino... she broads decide to fuck, when you give them the space to decide to fuck. I mean, you told her you wanted to fuck when you should have made it a suggestion. Plant the seed in her mind...

if any moment needed a front blast it was this. bitch's ego was TURNT DA FUCK UP on this one
THAT needed to be checked. it's like she's saying that she controls how you feel.
not only did you reward her bad behaviour, you still were giving her controls by telling her she must make it up...

I'm just sayin...

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"I'd rather have no bitch than a half a bitch" Iceberg Slim

Well spotted, Prodigy. Actually, THIS jumped out at me in particular: The part I highlighted I interpret as her throwing ALL the responsibility for EVERYTHING on ol' Slim. When I look at this, it looks like a VERY carefully crafted sentence; crafted for just this purpose.

And Slim, if i'm correct in this (and bear in mind i'm still new to this), that would mean that: in her mind she has no need to have a conscience about her actions. In fact, her text is overall written as if she has been nothing but a saint in this entire saga:

<female voice"> "Oh, i'm SO empathic and sensitive to other's feelings!" <female voice"> "Oooh, look at me: although I didn't contribute in ANY WAY to what happened, i'm still charitable enough to apologise for HIS feelings!" <female voice"> "AND i'm a paragon of virtue to boot!"
[Edit: It also seems to me that in addition to not doing it on the first night, another indicator of her 'classiness' is: "I don't usually grease the sheets as you called it". In other words, she's too classy to even TALK like that.]

Not that any of it is the TRUTH, but it seems to me that's the way the text is written.

I'm not pointing a course of action or anything Slim; just pointing this out so you have more data to work with.

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

This may be projection on my part. Actually paranoia (as i've said before, I still get overly suspicious). There is also the possibility that she genuinely believes she did no wrong, as opposed to CONSCIOUSLY abdicating responsibility. I hope the wiser ones on this forum will let me know if i'm being too lenient.

However, that doesn't change anything else I said. The only difference is whether she handed the responsibility over consciously or subconsciously. Thinking on it some more, this one is probably more how she wants to feel that she has a huge impact on your emotions, as Prodigy said. Possibly projection on my part again.

_________________
"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

[u][url]Why would I want to appear as a ... analogy. [/u][/url]



Update:

I'm through with this woman. She's not worth my time. What's funny is that I dodged a bullet.

Let me break this down for you guys about karma.

She finds out she's pregnant. Good for her she's excited. She received a few hundred for being my friends PCA not too many days ago. Day before yesterday when she says that she's pregnant to my friend she shows off a FAKE ASS RING that her MAN supposedly got for her when HE DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY HER A RING.

So where did the $600 go? Why did her man literally jump in the boat and commit to marrying her the next day after I was with her? She's really pregnant all of a sudden? What would have happened to me if I played the situation smoother?

Oh yeah and for shits and giggles last night she vacuumed up all her weed that she was supposed to be smoking with my friend.

Oh yeah not to mention that I have suspicions that she met her MAN on a dating site. You know how long that lasts.

Karma is a bitch. She can damn sure miss me with that shit.