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Hey guys,
So I had a quite interesting summer, let me recap and then go back to pushing my body off the ground, with the help of pecs, shoulders and triceps.
-Finally plucked up the courage to actually go and record my raps. I now write almost every day, at least a half a verse, should be receiving my first mastered track and impressed a local rapper enough to appear on his mixtape. I want to pursue this badly, not gonna lie.
-I meditate and excercise daily now (have been slacking with meditation these past couple of days because of work), but even that was being half-assed until I listened to an Allan Watts tape on the idea behind it (the complete opposite of what I was doing, i.e. goal oriented meditaiton). I listen and sit with things I repress and reject. Its terrifying, cleansing and weird.
-Having writing sessions where I bust out 2-3 pages in a half an hour with no filter has also been good. Especially when I can go through it one more time and see delusions, repressed thoughts, or analyze it differently without emotion.
-Work has really been peeling back layers, because my job is to do what I find most uncomfortable (talk to people I'm not comfortable with and not care about them being dicks sometimes, have a high pressure boss who expects a lot, work consistently). Basically, it's been frustrating because it shows true issues that I can't hide behind. I was thinking of quitting due to stress, but then realize that that was a band-aid. It'd follow me throughout my entire life.
-The whole concept of trying to be indifferent has sort of clicked. I see how everything was just a way to cover up all my "demons" - my insecurities, my need for reassurance from others, my manipulation tendencies, jealousy. It all was a way to get those needs met, with more and more discreet ways so that I could temporarily delude myself before the old anger and depression came back. I can't really see the end of it all just yet, but I'm not covering it up anymore. I see the round peg in square hole mentality of covering up internal issues with external sources.
-The root of all this is my feeling of not belonging and being completely different than others. I know where it stems from, so all that's left is to sit with it, and let it be. But like I said, although I can theoretically and logically come up with a lot of things, truly letting this go is something I can't imagine. It's like saying to myself - "Man, fuck gravity. Jump off the ledge, it's all in your head!" It's that strong.
So yeah, I know myself better now. I have moments where it's all good, but then I go deeper and shit gets darker. But it feels...real.
I've also been Skyping with a forum member from here (reveal yourself, if you wish), and that's been incredible. Actually talking out loud, in person, sharing ideas makes this all real.
So I'll finish it with a quote that I've been following (or doing my best to) - "I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it."
Peace,
Moose
_________________
Take it easy, man. But take it.
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