Natural Freedom

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:20 pm 
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It may be a long time coming ... and a long post, don't know it yet, I want to write everything as my mind rambles it.

I can't stop thinking about her ... who is she ? a girl that stayed a week, we spoke 5-6 hours just the two of us between saturday afternoon and sunday afternoon. Then she had to go, like the wind ...

This can hold many insights in it, as everytime I'm bothered at work, I think of our convos, if we'll meet, what if situations to no end ... her past and the lessons in it ... many interesting things that my mind seems to gather and cathegorize slowly ...

I'll start where I can. This post is not about the girl (for those who doubt ...).

So, I ask myself a lot of times during the day, why does my mind come back to her ?

It becomes clearer by the day that I'm selfish, more on that later.

The unraveling of the situation went like this :

She came on monday to work in a bakery, but when she called the director, he told her to get rest and start working on tuesday. Then tuesday the director told her he hired another girl on monday and that he doesn't need her anymore.

So we all give her CV to our directors, and she worked the friday at another girl's place, but apparently they only need for one day a week, so she seeks more.

All weekdays (I work from 7am to 12am, monday to saturday), we don't speak much, we all play cards (with light banter), have fun, ... I start to like her

Until saturday afternoon (after work) when I'm home alone with her and she wanders off in the living room (where I'm at in front of my computer watching breaking bad s04), looking in the fridge, playing with my cousin's cat smiling, glancing, talking to me.

So we start to talk about cats, and other meaningless things, and I feel that she wants to talk to me, and I want to talk to her too without really having much to say.
So for example we'll stop talking, say see you later, and the cat starts acting crazy, or one of us notices something to keep us talking somehow... and just spending time looking each other's eyes or whatever.

Eventually, the next day she starts talking about her past relationships :
- Age 17 she goes with a man of 22, quits college to be with him (big mistake in retrospect she says), starts working to make ends meet, while her bf (during the 7 years of relationship) cheats on her, uses her money, lives off her.

She left him last year (yes for the rain men, she's 25 now :lol: ), and two monthes later finds herself another guy (26, 2 years older), and it goes well until, wait for it, HE presses her for marriage while she doesn't want ... :shock: :lol: so she leaves him after 7 monthes (3 monthes ago if I recall). Single now.

She shows me countless photos of her trip to corsica with her dad and grandmother, and ends showing me her exes in photos, even connecting to her first boyfriends facebook as she changed his password ( to "Iamanidiot" :lol: ).

Funny side note :
As she connected to his fb account, she posted a message on his name like this :
"I feel stupid, I like having more than one woman in my life, using their ressources and not working, ..."

When she showed me this, there was a woman's reply :
"Hey man, long time no see.
You know it's not bad to have more than one woman, as long as they're OPEN minded, I feel for you Andy (let's call him Andy), and if you need a REALLY OPEN minded woman, you know where to find me"

The girl next to me went hysterical as she didn't believe she launched new pussy to him :lol:

Back to story.

As she talks, I see her points, but also see things she probably doesn't see, and tell her so to gauge her answer.

Things like :
- MANY MANY pictures of her in the past four years where taken by herself, not smiling, with black eyeliner or whatever makeup ... but denies to have gone gothic (in my world that means low self esteem, maybe not in yours or hers) :mrgreen:

- She lost weight (more than 10 kilos I think), and is insecure about her previous weight (she was alright, even though she's more beautiful now, because that includes her self-esteem too, she's more joyful now, smiles more ...). She appreciates the compliment.

- What she is now (if she likes herself now, if she has the right weight, if she's less naive ...) she has it coz of her failed previous relationships, so inside herself she shouldn't see them as 'bad'. THAT I DIDN'T SAY and feel I should have

- She listens to 'zouk' music, and almost half of her songs were women weeping, off their failed previous relationships, or wanting their man back. She denies when I tell her so.

Anyways.

When she talks, I feel she really talks openly, sincerely, she has great sense of humor.
I can banter with her without a single problem, she doesn't take things personnally (like other people do sometimes), we hit it off nicely. I Really like her by now.

It was surely a moment for me, probably for her too (but I'll see, it doesn't matter that much even though I REALLY WOULD ENJOY SEEING HER AGAIN, a new one in my book).

So, why is all this ultimately selfish ?

She has values, values that correlates with mine (she's a strong woman, who stands for what she thinks is right and will do what needs to be done to have it her way (when she's in her rights, not just randomly).

Her past and the lessons they contain could be of great value to her, to be a better person too.

All in all, I like her because there is "not much work" (psychologically, emotionally) to do on her (I only detected a couple of issues where she could improve herself (in my view of her perspective /// and in my perspective but it doesn't matter much as I can't/don't want to change her), because what I like in her are things that actually allow me to express myself honestly, which I really thrive for. (People with whom I can really be myself without censoring, without watching what comes out my mouth ...).
Plus my gut screams out SEXYYYYYY (even though not the prettiest looking woman, she's one of the sexiest, no doubt on my part, her whole energy, :oops: :oops: )


That's why I like her, and think of her.

Because with her I felt free. I felt as good with her than I do alone :!: :!: :!:

End ? We'll see

------


Side notes: I renewed contact with lost friends too, and their company is as good as it was before, and I feel really good (meaning myself) with them too.

Also, just to write it down, there is an increase (since I work) on my sexual desire. It's like I could fuck every girl I meet right here and there. (only in rare instances is a woman not appealing to me - really fat or just unattractive to me - without taking in account choosing, social status, age, ..., just animalistic raw desire (I would just use them as cum dumps if I may / substitute to masturbation ...).

BUT, still in my mind there's a spot for a woman to take (at least one, more like 'woman companionship as a natural thing' for me), and that could have been that girl, that still could be her, that can be another one, or noone. Only time will tell.

Back to autopilot learning. :ugeek:


EDIT : Just saw this is my 911 th post. Brings back music to my ears

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 30, 2013 4:09 pm 
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Quote:
Funny side note :
As she connected to his fb account, she posted a message on his name like this :
"I feel stupid, I like having more than one woman in my life, using their ressources and not working, ..."

When she showed me this, there was a woman's reply :
"Hey man, long time no see.
You know it's not bad to have more than one woman, as long as they're OPEN minded, I feel for you Andy (let's call him Andy), and if you need a REALLY OPEN minded woman, you know where to find me"
This is absolutely priceles
Not only it backfired back to her.. But look what radical honesty can do


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 2:53 am 
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Quote:
So, why is all this ultimately selfish ?

She has values, values that correlates with mine (she's a strong woman, who stands for what she thinks is right and will do what needs to be done to have it her way (when she's in her rights, not just randomly).

Her past and the lessons they contain could be of great value to her, to be a better person too.

All in all, I like her because there is "not much work" (psychologically, emotionally) to do on her (I only detected a couple of issues where she could improve herself (in my view of her perspective /// and in my perspective but it doesn't matter much as I can't/don't want to change her), because what I like in her are things that actually allow me to express myself honestly, which I really thrive for. (People with whom I can really be myself without censoring, without watching what comes out my mouth ...).
Plus my gut screams out SEXYYYYYY (even though not the prettiest looking woman, she's one of the sexiest, no doubt on my part, her whole energy, :oops: :oops: )

That's why I like her, and think of her.

Because with her I felt free. I felt as good with her than I do alone :!: :!: :!:

End ? We'll see
GB, I am on the same page now, in the same verse. :) Have to admit I really enjoyed that lesson about myself.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 3:34 am 
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I've been there. Pretty much how it started for me as well.

Buying a ticket to Siberia for the winter and working it off in the coal mines would be a preferable alternative. :ugeek:

As long as you don't kill yourself off at the end, you'll be ok :geek:

She's already got you on her team and against her exes, even complicit in stupid pranks :? without even fucking you :|. Clever girl :ugeek:

You have logic and knowledge. Use them. It can be done. 'Act accordingly' is all you need to follow, whatever your thoughts and emotions.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 4:11 am 
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As a sort of a compare and contrast thing maybe, this reminded me of an incident maybe a year ago, coming across a lad, 16 years old, who was going around on the streets near the city's nightlife hotspots, around closing time, stopping women and telling them how horny he was and all he wanted to do was to stick his head up their anus and rest there for a bit. :roll:

Talk about radical honesty indeed :lol:

And compare that with the 30 year old woman, who informed me that sex, to her, was like riding a bicycle. :roll:

Fun stuff :D


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 5:08 am 
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Ahk, nice reminders, but... Did I say once that I don't like the place I'm in?

I don't care if she used me as emotional tampon, I don't care that I didn't fuck her...

Even if she did, I actually enjoyed her company and learned some things (and thanks to those who comment...) win win...

I could also say that I could have fucked her if I wanted, and even if that could have been the chance, it just didn't came across my mind, first I like to know them, especially when they're honest like she was.


Act accordingly I won't forget for sure, that's why I acted this way.


She has my number and if she wants to contact me she can. I don't plan on contacting her again.

I have yet to be so horny that I would say things like your lad said, though. Interesting guy for sure :-)

edit : there is a distinction between blindly following my emotions and just acknowledging them...

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 5:45 am 
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Good deal 8-)

Giving space is the best, for _you_ :geek:. Always need to watch out for the brain trying to push itself off the deep end :mrgreen: . If it suddenly starts spitting out poems, be very concerned. And do _not_ publish :lol:


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:33 am 
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Ooh, I am not on the same page. Quite different in fact. Didn´t realize there was no fucking involved.
ahk wrote:
Good deal 8-)

Giving space is the best, for _you_ :geek:. Always need to watch out for the brain trying to push itself off the deep end :mrgreen: . If it suddenly starts spitting out poems, be very concerned. And do _not_ publish :lol:
this

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 2:03 pm 
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Damn you read my mind about poems :roll: :lol: :lol: wanna read my first draft ? :mrgreen:

For the fucking part, I'm not concerned the least, if she contacts me, she's the one who will rape me (even if I am to be the one who verbalises it, the non-verbals she gave... :o ). *Tic tac*

----

For the horny part, I feel it's getting worse (maybe coz I don't jerk off much).

In stores, streets, THERE ARE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN EVERYWHERE (well it's summertime :lol: ) :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus, I have two new housemates, 22 yo small ukrainian beauty with tight clothes, and 30 yo girl with a 'sensual' feel to her (meaning an aura of horny around her to me, + she's 30 and single, she gotta get down :twisted:).

If I may quote Arrested Development "No touching, NO TOUCHING" :mrgreen: :roll:
I sure appreciate it though when they press their chest on my back or shoulder when passing next to me :roll: :ugeek:

Ps : Today I didn't think of her (not bored at work so not much thoughts, plus), I thought of ahk's two first comments.
Much appreciated mister.

PPS : If you know the translator of the russian book, get him to translate the rest, G*ddam*it :!: :!: :ugeek: :mrgreen:

Addendum : Be sure I write here to be honest and get it off, SO I don't write to other nameless people, ie HER, coz the thought (and you know it, except the poem part) did cross my mind :mrgreen:

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 3:42 pm 
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And what if I told you her non verbals were likely entirely an act :geek:

I keep saying women are oscar worthy actresses and people never understand :|


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:10 pm 
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Location: The side of a mountain somewhere...
ahk wrote:
And what if I told you her non verbals were likely entirely an act :geek:

I keep saying women are oscar worthy actresses and people never understand :|
Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they have complete control of what they are doing, other times their body is responding so powerfully to you that they can't help but show it, even if they are consciously clueless, or even consciously trying to hide it.

Observation, observation, observation is what allows you to tell the difference...

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"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 2:03 am 
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ukraiyan (and russian) broads are hot, I feel you on that (I also like german broads) :lol:

I was thinking in the past that I ididn't care if she liked/fucked/ me or not, but I found out I was bullshitting myself actually
And it was about something else too


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 4:22 am 
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Not caring means not being attached to it, not needing it.
I didn't say I wouldn't enjoy it... Or hope it happens, just, I let life unfolds.
That said the 30 yo (to take the subject of another thread) still has a great body I wouldn't mind rocking... (I'm 23).

Enough of what I want to happen.

What will I do? Treat accordingly. What did I do with the Oscar winning girl? Same.

Ahk, what happens to its her loss?
Even though I could have sent her a poem, only thing would have happened would be her thinking she has the upper hand, the ball.
She might act bitchy later, mock me. Would have only hardened my skin...

Feedback and learning are more important than pussy will ever be to me...

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:08 am 
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You have to own your choices, or they own you :ugeek: . You can play the roulette at the casino fully knowing the odds, and enjoy it. You just happen to not do it so often though :)

'Her loss' is in the same vein as 'they don't know what the fuck they are missing'. :geek: You can definitely use whatever salve you can in the moment. I have :mrgreen:
Maybe all she wanted was to see if she could pull your strings and polish her skills and already got what she wanted. She, in her mind, doesn't lose anything then.

Anyway, only you can judge her actions, not us, just need a clear mind to better observe what's real or fake. Women, being women, can also change their minds one moment to the next.

It's actually tougher to face if she's not a bitch and is polite. :( And if you want to be open, it's better to think of the learns as strengthening your backbone rather than hardening your skin :geek:


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:33 am 
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ahk wrote:
You have to own your choices, or they own you :ugeek: . You can play the roulette at the casino fully knowing the odds, and enjoy it. You just happen to not do it so often though :)

'Her loss' is in the same vein as 'they don't know what the fuck they are missing'. :geek: You can definitely use whatever salve you can in the moment. I have :mrgreen:
Maybe all she wanted was to see if she could pull your strings and polish her skills and already got what she wanted. She, in her mind, doesn't lose anything then.

Anyway, only you can judge her actions, not us, just need a clear mind to better observe what's real or fake. Women, being women, can also change their minds one moment to the next.

It's actually tougher to face if she's not a bitch and is polite. :( And if you want to be open, it's better to think of the learns as strengthening your backbone rather than hardening your skin :geek:
True dat. Thanks for this perspective. I would greatly enjoy reading some of your stories btw.

Just to clear things, I continue to talk about it because of your (and others) insightful posts.

That said, that girl is OFF my mind for good (which is why I posted it in the first place, to have a clear mind, not clouded by ego, emotions ...).

And both my backbone, my skin, my breath are (physically) strenghtening by the day, by the week.

---

On a completely different note, I start to be more and more absent minded, clumsy (I hit myself to things, I forget conversations, things ... :o like my mother :evil: :evil: ) :| :|

PS : I will update the thread might she were to contact me.

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 11:51 pm 
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ahk wrote:
Always need to watch out for the brain trying to push itself off the deep end . If it suddenly starts spitting out poems, be very concerned. And do _not_ publish
:lol:


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2021 8:25 am 
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Sorry for spamming.
Again, reading old threads.

This was such a big moment for me, I don't recall the face, the name, and I'm not sure who it was at all...
My mind playing tricks back then.

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler


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