AutumnTactics...also watch your ego. Ego really is a beast... once she was gone that when most learning came to me. That was the time where I could really watch my ego from the side cause it was missing something that was really boosting it greatly. That is a perspective.
I agree 100%. In fact, that is
EXACTLY how I got to where I am. It was that absence, and 'feeling' that went with it, that really caught my attention the last go around. I left out many of the details of my personal introspection earlier, because I really didn't have the time to write them ALL out. But in this context, I noticed that I had what I have come to call 'a place' in my mind that certain women would take. When that place was filled, I felt fine. When it was not, I felt something missing. It was only during the most recent experience I focused on what that 'place' was, and more importantly WHY that place even existed. Previously, I would just go out and try to fill it again. Usually it would be with the same 'long-shot' of a relationship, which was inevitably due to fail in a short time.
Now, I see how much my own ego was responsible for the patterns I found myself reliving over and over again. When I shattered the walls that were protecting this piece of my ego(there are plenty of other pieces that I am still working on) from my conscious awareness, things changed...
rapidly
There is a cliche line of 'What is the common experience to all your failed relationships? - YOU'.
When the ego is too strong, the blame for failed relationships comes out as 'she was crazy', 'she had issues', etc etc. When I honestly looked at the frankly inescapable truth of the repeating patterns, it became obvious that I was not only responsible for them, I was actually choreographing them to play out a certain way, starting at the very beginning with the 'selection' of who would fill this 'place'. The faces were different, but I honestly could write down EXACTLY how things would play out, and when I literally did this the last go around, it felt like I was able to see the future. The last night I was with the previous girl, I had a dream that was exactly how our 'breakup' interaction would play out just a few hours later. At this point, my subconscious mind knew the next steps, but I was still in denial in my conscious mind. Obviously, nobody can see the future, so this left one uncomfortable reality -
I was causing this pattern subconsciously.
I was sick of the pattern, identified what it was, and more importantly WHY it was, and broke it. Sure, it will take effort to stop it from happening again, because I grew so accustomed to it for years, and I have already stopped it once already. There are many other things besides this one facet that I need to be aware of, and by no means do I think I have conquered all, and am now invincible. What I do think, is that I now have a basic tool set to identify them, and work to change the ones I no longer wish to be a part of my life going forward.