So ever since April of this year, while I've been reading on the forum, my life has been taken in another direction. Thinking about it, I don't think my life would've went in this direction otherwise, but that's irrelevant. I started up reading up on GoldenBoy's suggested steps towards a pimp tight mindset. And I think it was up until this past week that I realised, that I was doing it wrong.
When I read that one had to become one's own friend, I understood it in the sense that I had to become self-reliant. As in a "who needs you!?" kind of attitude. I started isolating myself from my friends after I realised that it was all an exchange of value. I was pissed to say the least. I recall my roommate at hostel, who stays at his girlfriend's flat (leaving me with a "single room"), always coming to me before varsity talking about his girlfriend problems. For you see, his a genuine symp, but at the same time his girlfriend is very dependent on others, as in fearful of being alone. It's quite blatant and I can't stand women who are so dependent on others. I mean, I barely have my shit together, how can I still carry their baggage as well. However, I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that every women has their insecurities of being alone and that it is of a rare case to find an 'independent' woman, if I can call it that. Nevertheless, my roommate was asking for advice and shit before she returned to campus for the start of varsity and he was very worried about their relationship and if it would still be standing once she returned. I tell you now, as soon as she came back I never saw him again! It made me furious! To the point where I couldn't even look him in the eye. I mean he used me to deal with his emotional shit and then the woman comes back and his gone. And I considered him a close friend too. We are no longer that close.
So basically what I've been going through was the anger of people using me. I've read on the forum that others were also going through a similar anger phase, so I believe this too shall pass. I started doing the same with people I interacted with, but got the feeling that I was using them in a way of manipulation. Which just didn't feel right. I know that it is how the world works, but how can you truly be friends with someone if you know they are using you and you the same?
However, that's not exactly what I wanted to tell you guys. Basically, I went into the mindset of in order to be my own friend, I need to be able to survive alone. Rely on no-one. So I didn't visit my friends and tried studying on my own without the help of my classmates because after all, who needs them right? Boy am I starting to realise that it may not have been the best idea. My marks started to take a knock and I reached a low point in my life. I was going through a depression phase, and reading Jed McKenna's book "Spiritual Enlightenment: the Damnest thing", which I now find to be quite an eye-opening book, DEEP too!, I lost all ambition. I started questioning myself, asking "Why am I studying and to what end?". I mean we study==>work==>die. So what's the point? I didn't really speak to anyone about it so you imagine how self-defeating these questions can be if not done in the right mindset.
Anyways, I was having a casual chat with someone about random shit, but noticed that I felt better afterwards. I'm not too sure if it's because I was no longer feeling lonely anymore or just because I was finally speaking to someone about it. Maybe it was a bit of both. But soon thereafter I called up my dad and he came through to have a chat. Now, this my first father/son chat I've ever had with my dad, and don't I'll be forgetting about it anytime soon. He reminded me about my ambition as a kid and that everything I did to get to this point where I am today was all me (my final year before receiving a degree). He may have guided me here and there, but in the end I was the one doing I what I did to get to where I am. It reminded me of a thread I read by StephenP 'CONfirmation', and I believe that is what my dad was telling me. He also mentioned that I spend too much time trying to make others happy and should focus on myself more, be more selfish. Which resonates exactly with what I've been reading on the forum. Thing is I didn't know that my actions have been to seek approval from others. As you can see, I was suffering from a pretty low self-esteem and I was full of self-doubt too. The talk I had with my dad was the talk I needed to get my spirits up and my mind back on focus with my life and my future. This talk was given to me during the exam period, so I'm not expecting the results to be that great. But I do believe that I experienced it at the right time. A couple of days after that event took place though, I started to make sense of what it meant to be your own best friend. I suppose to be the one picking my spirits up when I'm feeling down, not someone else. I'm suppose to investigate why I am feeling the way I do, find the problem and accept the reason for it, or find a solution for it and move on from there. I've been reading the forum the whole time, but I think it was only after this event took place that I may have been sleeping while I was reading it because I didn't fully understand it. That brings to my next point.
I started practicing meditation, you know, trying to create space between my mind full of thoughts and my "true" self (don't know what else to call it). But I was wondering, why am I doing this? What's the purpose of it? Because i would be sitting in my room on a chair for 15min with earplugs in (hostel gets quite noisy), and try to focus and tap into my subconsciousness without actually knowing what it meant. So if I did manage to "tap into my subconsciousness" I wouldn't even know it. Thoughts would come to mind and I would get attached to them until I realized I was 'day-dreaming' and then come back to earth. I was also trying to find a quick technique to get to that state (I don't know what state), but I suppose the one of no thought. But I now realize I was looking for a quick fix technique to meditation. However it HIT me today while I was driving as to why I would like to get back into the habit of meditating again. I was driving in the right lane, listening to the radio and then suddenly I got attached to a train of thought (daydreaming), and when I snapped out of it I found myself in the left lane and just saved myself before driving over the curve. Good thing there were no cars nearby and that I was driving slow, about 50km/hr. After THIS happened, now had a reason to meditate and create space between myself and my thoughts, because as you can see, it can be dangerous. Makes me wonder how many accidents happen because of this. I know I daydream occasionally while I'm driving, but I just convinced myself that I was on "auto-pilot".
Tonight I sat down, and asked myself why I seek approval from others. Examples of scenarios where approval-seeking behaviour came to mind, but I just kept asking "why" till I got to the root of the problem. I'm plan to dedicate 40 min everyday, first half meditating and the other half investigating my behaviours and finding their roots. Any advice or suggestions on this would be much appreciated
So, having realised that I must've been sleeping while I was reading before and come to think of it, I was brainwashing myself into believing that by taking these steps, magic will happen and all my problems would be gone, have women by the dozen. It's a process that takes patience, which I've learnt from meditation and perseverance. It's not going to happen over night.
Time to go under the radar and be a student again
. I will be reading the stuff again, more thoroughly this time. Thanx for reading, and any input are very much welcomed
Register
Login
FAQ
Search
