I haven't posted a story on my background like many have here. You dudes have been real honest, so I thought I'd do the same. I've been doing some real honest reflecting, and these are the results. Probably the most honest shit I've ever written.
I've always felt somewhat inadequate, but I used my ego to conceal it well enough so no one noticed. Hell, I even hid it well enough that even I didn't notice. Yep, defense mechanism to cover up my insecurity, formed in my adolescence. Caused by shit I hadn't dealt with or faced from my childhood, all done unconsciously.
On the flip side, I was the kid in school that exerted cockiness. Girls wanted to fuck me and guys wanted to be me. I didn't express a care towards school or towards anything. Yeah, I would be considered the typical "bad boy". But underneath all that, who was I?
I was still that scared little kid that grew up in a dysfunctional home that never got the proper upbringing. My parents split before I could make a memory of them being together. My mother provided for me decently, but in no way did she provide me with a secure home. I experienced many of her unhealthy and often times violent relationships. It got so bad that eventually I couldn't even live with her. I'm still under the age of 10 experiencing that. My father expressed (still does) indifference towards me. If we talked cool, if we didn't talk that was also cool. He didn't teach me any valuable lesson on how to be a man, about life, or about anything for that matter.
Realization? I wasn't operating from a place of true confidence, rather I was operating from a place of insecurity/inadequacy. The way I coped was to use my ego to shield me from it so I could overcompensate. I'd been stuffing my true feelings, something I picked up unconsciously from both of my parents.
As you can tell, (or maybe not) I wasn't born into the best financial situation. I might have always had good looks, but I see now that's only half of the foundation, if that. So what will I be doing in the meantime? I'll be increasing my potential/front by starting college. I'll also be lowering my ego to address and experience shit I've always hid from myself.
Conclusion, not everyone is born complete. Everybody has to work at something they weren't born with. Thanks for reading.
