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Hey guys,
hope this is the right place. I know there's a lot of products out there but I'm looking for stuff that can really help me become a better man, which in turn will bring more success with the ladies. I've built an incredible life for myself but when it comes to women this is my pitfall. Plus everything else in my life will grow as I change. Funny thing is a few of my guy friends seem to think I'm great with women...
Having more in-depth conversations
I've always gone through life have limited conversational topics. Nothing serious. Nothing deep. Not because they don't interest me, but more because I always felt they weren't interesting topics. Yet if a girl, and more recently, guy started the topic I was more than interested and capable of continuing it. Recently I've begun having way more interesting conversations. Hell I was on the beach with friends at night and we were watching lightning strike and I remember saying something like 'there's just something majestic about it'.
So how do you transition into deeper topics, especially ones that you haven't breached already? Or is it as simple as thinking I want to know what this persons thoughts are on x, y or z then literally saying 'Hey, have you seen the movie blah before? It's really cool, it's kind of a cool drama about life, death and how our actions impact us'. I think the thing that really shifted my thinking is the current friends I have.
Judging people at first sight
Man, I'm really bad at this. I don't negatively judge people or treat them different. But there's a girl I'm friends with, who acts like the typical party girl, drinks lots, dances around, etc. A friend commented that she seems lonely. So I started chatting to her recently and the conversation went to a whole new level. I discovered that she acts the way she does because she's lonely, and that she forced herself to make new friends because he's been away for work for several months. It really changed my perception of her. And I think it dissolved a barrier to us going deeper into our friendship. And it reminded me of a really personal, deep conversation I had with her when I first met her. This unfortunately was hidden behind my ill-thought perceptions.
Running out of things to say
Due to me not knowing how to easily transition into new topics I tend to run out of things to say a lot. Not in an awkward way. Just sometimes I want to get to know a person deeper and I don't know how to get there. I'm great with people who are good at this, and can have massively long conversations with these people because there are new topics always available.
Fear of silence
Sometimes when there is silence I feel like it's wrong, but I have made a lot of headway into this and can now relax comfortable into the silence.
Dominant body language/non verbals
I have recently read an article by 60 years of challenge and realised that I am really good at breaking tension. Even when I'm deep in conversation with someone I'm still well aware of what's going on around me. I'm good at breaking eye contact first. Keeping the conversation within safe grounds. Not feeling what comes up for me. I act safe. Last night I had a really in-the-moment conversation with one of my friends. It brought us way closer. I remember at one point sensing all the action going on around us, and a small part of me wanted to see what was happening but the connection was so strong that I didn't want to look away. And when it's a friend or I've met throuh a social link (social event, party, etc) I tone it down so that I don't upset the person. Yet I'm getting better but this is a new transition for me.
Something interesting happened the other night. I must have been staring into space, remember thinking about something. And one of the girls asked me what was up (everyone looks off into space at some point).
Talking about myself
I don't know why, but I dislike talking about myself. I won't go into extreme details, I always give enough detail to answer the question asked but I like to get the conversation back to the other person. Although I had an interesting comment from one of the girls. I was talking about how much I've changed from when I was friendless at school. And she said and look at you now, can't stop you talking. All said as a joke, but it was such a great thing to hear.
Overthinking
Used to be pretty bad at this, or good, depending on your viewpoint Wink
I have become a lot better, but I still see different scenarios to my actions. I'm not one of those people that assume the worst (used to be) but I still consider them strongly, which means I compensate for them. I have noticed I'm a little wittier now, because wit only comes with presence/awareness, if you over analyse then the window of opportunity for the witty comment is gone.
Leadership
I'm afraid of being in charge. I don't know why, I guess if something goes wrong it's my fault. Yet I look out for the people I'm with, I'm quite often the first to notice if someone has been gone longer that normal. when I'm standing in a group, I move people around to make space if someone is on the outside. Like one night I was out with friends at a club and I moved people outwards to make space for someone who couldn't get into the circle. But I don't like it when it's expected of me. Assertiveness isn't my strongest point. I can be good at it at certain situations like the above but when the outcome of my assertiveness only benefits me I'm no good at it. Like with women.
I've started practicing assertiveness with girls. When I text for a date or to catch up I 'suggest' rather than ask. I also tried assertiveness with getting a number/facebook but I feel better about asking. Maybe that's just me finding the safe zone again. About a week ago I met a girl at a bbq. We got along really well, bit of banter. I wanted her number and she enthusiastically gave it to me. As I put her name in I asked for her last name to find her on facebook. And at the end I said we can grab a coffee sometime. She wasn't available on the weekend but said 'soon though'. We texted a bit since but sometimes she sends really short messages so I send another message in a couple of days time (I used to be bad at trying to continue the texting even when I get a short message). Today I sent her one and said we should get that coffee this week and asked if she was free on a certain day.
Thanks for reading guys. Let me know your thoughts and advice. Feel free to post recommendations for resources too.
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