Ok, so this week I've been feeling like the shape of my reality has been changing, and I wanted to share my experience for others, and also to get feedback from people here. Your guy's feedback always is insightful, and I appreciate it.
Getting down to it - I've been feeling a complete lack of sexual desire/motivation to interact with new girls at all. I had two new very beautiful girls jocking me this week, (one of them super blatantly), and I just couldn't motivate myself to go out of my way at all to make anything happen with them.
-----------------------
Girl #1 was monday - at the gym, I was getting in a quick cardio session after lifting, and this girl, probably early 20s, very beautiful (probably could model, if she doesn't already) came up and took the elliptical right next to the treadmill I'm on, even though there's like 25 treadmills/bikes/ellipticals there and only one other one was occupied. Her perfume was intense, and she had way too much makeup on for her to be seriously working out. I didn't glance at her, just noticed her out of my peripheral vision and with my nose.
She starts exercising, clearly doesn't know how to use the elliptical machine. I've noticed a slight change in my heart rate like my body is in a slightly heightened state, but I'm not at all mentally nervous or excited, and I don't feel any sexual arousal like I might normally. About 30 second in, she looks over at me obviously trying to get my attention, and says directly to me, "whew, I'm tired already." I look over at her and say with just a bit of a smile, "yeah... gotta work hard in here." Then I go back to my workout and proceed to ignore her, and she doesn't say anything else to me either. After about 5 more minutes I'm done with my workout and I leave.
Here's the thing - I could have easily manufactured some reason to say something else to her, like giving her a pointer on how to use the elliptical, or I could have manufactured some reason to stay in the gym a little longer so I could "bump" into her over by the cubbies after she was done on her elliptical machine, but I just felt no desire to.
Even though I knew that if I didn't make some effort to interact with this girl that there was a good chance I would never see her again, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just kept thinking to myself, "this girls probably a bitch who wants to sink her fangs into me and suck me dry just like all the other manipulative bitches out there do with stupid ass men." Even though I feel like I can see the matrix pretty well in that respect, and so I guess I can defend against that scenario, I just can't help but think, "why would I want to deal with a human (male or female) who just wants to manipulate others and squeeze them dry of everything they have to offer?"
Even if she was not a evil-hearted vampire, I didn't have any evidence that she brought anything to the table other than her looks, and if she had been a fat dude I would have said the same thing to her and left without thinking about it. Do you give give hot girls a greater chance to prove to you that they're worthwhile? If you do, then is that really being indifferent? Does it matter?
-----------------------
Girl #2 was tonight (thursday), and very similar scenario, (mid-20s, beautiful, fit, etc.) but she wasn't nearly as blatant, and she gave me more space. I checked her out (and she knew I was checking her out), but I caught her in my peripheral vision several times just staring at me, or glancing at me in the mirror repeatedly (lots of mirrors in this gym, makes for good observing...). Not sure who checked the other one out first, but I don't think it really matters. I thought she was attractive and she clearly thought I was attractive, but I had the same complete lack of desire with her. Like I consciously knew she was hot, but my dick didn't realize it. I even got the vibe from her that she was "more real" and not trying to put up as much of a front (ie. not wearing makeup and perfume to the gym, actually being there to work out, etc), but I still couldn't help getting the negative thoughts about how she's probably as manipulative as the rest of them, and why would I want to invite that on myself...
-----------------------
I've really been focusing on developing indifference this week. I've been doing this by asking myself over and over and over again, "would I really be ok/happy with my life if I never had sex again as long as I lived?" Each time I answer yes to myself, but I'm trying to feel out if that yes is coming from deep down in my core, or if I'm saying that just because I consciously know that's what I "should" respond. I figure that if I can respond yes to that question, truthfully and from my core, then that should be a pretty good sign that I'm indifferent.
So, here's where I would really love some feedback - is this negativity part of being indifferent, or is it still part of calibration (ie. red pill)? If its not part of being indifferent, then I guess its just another phase of the calibration process to go through, or ???
If this is at least part of what indifference feels like, how do you guys who are indifferent motivate yourself to make something happen with girls? I don't feel any horniness/sexual energy so there's nothing pushing me to do it there, and those fairy tale dreams of soul mates and love at first sight certainly aren't motivating me, so it seems like its just inviting a potential pain in the neck into my life that I'll have to deal with.
Do any of you get motivation from being able to feel powerful and manipulate those who are normally doing the manipulating? I don't feel like I have that motivation, and I don't think I really want it either. Seems like a big waste of energy, since these girls haven't done anything in particular to me, so why should I go out of my way to get back at them?
Do you get motivation out of the potential to get something from them (ie. money)? I have money of my own, and I don't think that (past a certain point) more money really brings more happiness, so I'm not feeling very motivated by that...
I guess thinking back to Marquee Value Theory - if the value they bring is their hotness, but their hotness is not valuable to me, then what would make me want to interact with them?
Any of you guys who have been through this have insight? I know Mikey Swag is going to tell me that he doesn't get why I didn't follow through
... but the rest of you all?