I held them in the same regard I wish they held me (for whatever reason - popularity/hotness in a women. This resulted in awkwardness/complete lack of self-awareness and self-love.

In some instances, it usually ends up placing women I deal with in precarious situations that, once I regain my wits (and this doesn't take very long ), usually end up playing hugely in my favor.

THIS

I still wrestle with this to this day, but more in the sense of placing the expectations of MYSELF as what I should expect from others...knowing everything that I know and I STILL get burned by this (usually nothing game breaking, mind you...but just singed good enough to cut it out). This is my main Achilles heel and I can't say that I'll ever be able to completely close the book on it.

But that's ok...at least I recognize and accept it...which means that I can use my other many strengths to help cover this weakness.

...and sometimes, it turns out to be a strength in disguise!

In some instances, it usually ends up placing women I deal with in precarious situations that, once I regain my wits (and this doesn't take very long ), usually end up playing hugely in my favor.

Stephen P hit the nail on the head. To give an example, I literally could not talk to anybody in my dorm room for a good hour because I was so angry at how they were still in the matrix and how selfish and self-centered they were. How I felt that they were all using each other in this parasitic pseudo friendship and that they act however is in their best interest at all times. It was me taking it personally (the ego Stephen described), because I think deep down, I wanted to feel some unconditional, I don't know, respect I guess. Me wanting to control it. It felt trippy as hell, I saw them as these nasty leeches. And I saw it in everyone.

Isn't my best and proudest moment, but that's about as accurate description of it as I can give you, Meraki. At least through my interpretation.

It was hammered into my head at a very early age that if I didn't keep others happy, bad things would happen (being alone). Everybody came before me, and trying to do what I wanted, even if it had no effect on other people, was deemed selfish and a shitty overall characteristic.

Fear of abandonment/aloneness ----> Constant monitoring of people's opinions of me ----> Trying to fit their mold of what I should be/absolutely no backbone whatsoever

I held them in the same regard I wish they held me

As a last note, re-reading the things in Kidd's Corner should be mandatory. So many things went over my head that I didn't notice the first couple of times. And I'm sure I haven't understood everything the last reading either.

You guys are the shit though, love this community. Peace.

You slip at times and treat people, lets say a female, a bit nicer than usual cause you'e just feeling so fresh and up that you can't help yourself. She takes it for weakness, and you sense it immediately in which you tighten up you're demeanor, and act accordingly. She's then thrown off by this impenetrable foundation you're exuding that she's left puzzled and baffled from what your initial "niceness" response was to who you are right then and there in her presence treating her accordingly?