Natural Freedom

One of the best times I ever had was one day I went to six flags by myself. They had just built a new coaster that I wanted to go on so bad and the only day I had off was on a week day so no one was able to go with me. So I was like fuck it I'm goin solo. I ended up having one of the best times of my life. I got on so many coasters in a matter of like 2 hours. Shit was so much fun. I'd def do it again. People laugh when I told them how much of a good time I had by myself.

I did this yesterday. Went to a movie by myself for the first time. It was great, made me wonder why I have been procrastinating on this, it was a matinee show and there was only 1 other person in the theater. I felt like an famous actor or athlete with a movie studio in his house.

Overall, great time and got me thinking about doing a bunch of other stuff alone that I have been putting off.

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"Truth is not something that can be truly and deeply understood by having it spoon-fed to you." - Adyashanti

I wondered the exact same fucking thing when I started doing it. DO IT!

Also: DO IT!

There's something else I wanted to say, what was it again? Ummmm, hmmmm...... oh yeah, now I remember: FUCKING DO IT!!!!

[Edit: I KNEW when I hit submit that I had forgotten something: DO IT. ]

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Also, something I posted elsewhere (http://www.naturalfreedom.info/viewtopi ... 054#p29926), which I think you may be interested in looking out for when you do stuff like this: [Edit:Also, just letting you know (and I am in no way saying that you don't know, this is JIC): you will also, even if only after a while, be able to sit by yourself in a packed cinema with lovey-dovey couples, large groups of friends, etc. ALL AROUND YOU, and not give a shit. I can, but it did feel a little strange at first........]

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

I don't feel like this is best advice for Caliboy to hear.

The reclamation of power comes from within because if it was not there it was given away because there is no other way to lose what one has had that cannot be physically taken, but it has always been there. It was only lost in confusion. The proper perspective of the self was supplanted with something the self thought was more beneficial.

On a side note, I like a theater to be not-so-full if it has a lot of people. I like there to be ample space between I and the next person that wants to talk on their cell phone during the climax of the film.

On another side note, if you do go to the movies then you should visit your local IMAX theater.

Sitting in the front row immerses you in the film, and you get to feel so insignificant in relation to the pictures on the screen that you actually feel like you're inside of the film because you have to turn your head a little if your peripheral vision can't pick everything up, even if you sit in the middle.

On the flip side, Sitting towards the back of the film really takes you out of the picture. You feel like a Titan watching mere gods at work on the screen (Greek Mythology).

The effect is significantly reduced in a normal theater.

This is my feeling generally as well. However, during busy film seasons, the cinemas around where I live (which I will not elaborate on ) occasionally drop films from their schedule even when the film is still well-attended. So i've been in situations where if I wanted to see the film, I have had to put up with having people all around me. I found that after a while, I was able to shut them all out and just become engrossed in the film (and strangely enough, more so than I usually would). Very useful experience, as it taught me that I can focus & enjoy even when situations are less than ideal.

I see what you're getting at about the reclamation of power issue, but I nevertheless disagree; quite frankly I think at this point you're splitting hairs and getting too caught up in semantics.

Front row at IMAX - very true; I have done this (not front row, but close), and the effect was indeed that I felt like I was IN the film. And I don't EVER sit in the back row for the same reason you describe. To me this is only good for observing the others in the cinema (which is not what I am there for), or if you're with someone who wants to do nasty things to you without anyone seeing (an experience i've never had).

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

The Dark Knight at the front of the imax was the business.

Out of curiosity, what is the general view (from others) on people going out alone to bars, clubs etc wherever you are from?

For example you see on American TV guys like Hank Moody sitting in a bar alone, and it’s portrayed as if it’s no big deal, pretty normal. Is this the case? Because in the UK there is STRONG stigma attached to people who go out alone.

My observation, and subsequent impression (which could very definitely be innaccurate) is, if I am out alone:

- Some men, mainly the insecure ones (who cannot feel secure without the comfort of being in a group - they're very easy to spot ) see me as a loser (rroriM?). The more comfortable I am, the less this seems to happen (more on that later).

- Women will more than likely see me as attractive for it. At the very least, they seem to respect me for it.

- Having said this, many men, and a fair amount (but smaller proportion) of women will not notice me AT ALL.

But I suspect it really depends on how you FEEL about it when you're doing it. Generally: feel insecure, people will see you as lonely if they notice you at all. Feel secure, people will either see you as solitary (as opposed to lonely ), or will not register your existence. This makes a great case for mirroring, in my opinion.

Also, I have found when out with my friends or family, if I wander off to be by myself for a bit, someone will invariably come over to me, as if they're 'keeping me company'. At first, I noticed (misperceived?) that it was only females seeking me out (filling space?), but now I notice that guys do it too. I sometimes have to find a spot that's out of view, in order to escape this. People seem to have a subconscious discomfort associated with seeing someone they know all by themselves. Same thing goes for silence; if in a conversation I clam up for an extended period of time, someone will usually then focus the conversation on me. (To be clear: these things usually happen, BUT NOT ALWAYS.) I see this as different to stigma, which people are more conscious of:

Where I am from, the only stigma on a man being out alone is from the insecure types of men mentioned above. Yes, some women WILL attempt to ridicule you if they see you out without a woman or friends (some have tried this with me), but I now come to see this as a testing of how secure you are with it. For a woman out alone, however, there definitely seems to be a stigma, and it seems to come more so from other women than from men (although men seem to 'get sucked into' that as well). I think she is seen as either 'desperate' or 'really wierd'. I find going out alone to be a much more difficult prospect to consider for women than for men, but the strange thing is that most men don't seem to realise this - ie they believe it's as 'unthinkable' for them to do it as it would be for a woman!

And finally, while I haven't actually discused this 'stigma' with others (something I should probably do, to get more insight), one thing i've noticed is that, when most people criticise me for my above-normal desire for solitude, when I ask them "Shouldn't someone have the ability to enjoy their own company?", they always immediately concede the point, or they move off to find someone else to harrass. This is in contrast to all the other responses I have given before ("it's my life", "why should it make a difference to you?", "what's wrong with that?", "different strokes for different folks", justifications for it, etc.) which often end up steering the conversation into a direction where I end up in a defensive position - that one question seems to short-circuit their arguments effortlessly.

I've gone way beyond what you asked, but I see these things as all interconnected, and I personally find the whole thing to be really fucking interesting.

But the real question is: at the end of the day, should you really give a fuck what others are thinking about you?

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

BTW -'Grinus is in the UK, I believe. I wonder how that stigma affects him?

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Sounds pretty similar to my experiences.

I'm pretty comfortable doing things on my own, just culturally curious

What stigma?

I feel no stigma.

There are only others who want to challenge you for being able to do something they do not have the balls to do, or do not feel comfortable enough with their own company to do it. Hence they use these tactics to try and throw you off and test if you are what you appear to be.

It is all projection.

If you are what you appear to be, they will open up like a flower blossoming in front of you.

Also people who feel drawn to you because you do give off that 'I am perfectly happy over here by myself' and they are drawn to it like moths to a flame.

--

Roark: they are not keeping you company, you are keeping them company.

I tend to get a fair amount of women ask me how I do it, how I can go out alone, without other people, they admit they could never do it..
Works really well as a conversation opener for them and can provide enough material for a whole night if they are curious enough.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

I see what you mean.

Also, you might be interested to know that, over the last few months, if i am at someone's house for lunch or a party or something, when I seek solitude for a bit and a stranger gravitates over to where I am and kind of hovers in the area, sometimes I 'open up' to this (they'll usually make an observation or say some shit and i'll go with it). This pretty much always results in a beautiful interaction that leaves me 'tingling' (and therefore them too, I have no doubt). [One of them even subsequently saw me at a mall while I was on one of my 'reading & observing trips', and she came over to chat.] Happens with guys too (rarely), but women and little girls are definitely more 'hungry' for this experience.

I'm not talking anything sexual, just good old-fashioned harmony (although sex may be in there too). You would've loved to see when I said hi to the infant girl (in the arms of her mother who sat down next to me), and the girl immediately looked down submissively (so much so I was actually taken aback). Followed by the mother calling over her 7-year old daughter to meet me, who when I gave my name and asked for hers, sputtered incoherently, blushing. I made sure to let the girl know "It's ok. In fact, I find it cute." Had an interaction in a supermarket on Sat night with three women (simultaneously) in the checkout line who were strangers to one another (one with her daughter in tow) that was out of this fucking world. I have now experienced what you said in your post about when you went to the opera, where the volume of the area went up exponentially. When the woman at the cash register (who looked miserable as fuck when I first got in line) handed me my change, she was fucking beaming.

Despite the red pill, life is beautiful.

Said all that to tell you and Kidd!! THANK YOU. I always sought out my own company & solitude, but it was what you guys have written about being your own best friend that got me comfortable with it.

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Now that is what I am talking about roark

I would encourage you to expand on some of these experiences in another post, to give others an idea of the possibilities out there

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

I enjoyed those posts Roark.

I definitely identify with those feelings at times. There is a college bar that I often frequent when I have the money.

Plenty of times when there are open seats. People will fill the seats right next to me when there are plenty of open spaces. It's like I'm a group to myself. It feels like I'm a tropical island and some hungry and thirsty people just found paradise and decide to land on the shore. They frequently start up conversations. Or, if there are people that have come and sit down and started off quiet as soon as I order my drink they chime up.

It's like build it and they will come. Before I know it, I'm surrounded sometimes. Other times, when it's desolate in the bar. Some women will come in and sit down and keep looking at me for the first hour until they realize that I don't feel like talking. Some women start talking with the bartender in an inane manner. If I chime in they immediately stop talking to the bartender (WHO HAS TO BE THERE) and start talking with me.

I even had a young female who works at the bar start grilling me about everything in my life.

However, when I walk in to a bar and the serving island is filled up with groups people don't notice me immediately. It's like they just assume I'm with some group there. However, after a fair amount of time has passed, I notice that women generally come to pay their tabs right next to me. I feel like I'm much less threatening than the boisterous group next to me. Sometimes they start up short conversations. Often times, they are highly receptive to anything that I want to say.

Older women are the worst offenders. I don't generally go out with more than one person, but older women feel the need to but directly in between myself and my acquaintance. This happens even if I'm having a conversation with someone that I met in the bar. I remember my New York trip as a great example. There was an older female that butted in between my friend and I. We were not facing the counter. We were facing each other and talking intensely about what we were going to do in New York. It had been such a long trip to get to long island and we got lost trying to my family's house. So, we asked around about bars in long island and low-and-behold we wound up there.

My friend started attempting to talk to her and she quickly brushed him off. However, I was offended by her actions. I let her know that it was rude to interrupt to people when it's clear that they're having a personal conversation. I also let her know that I didn't care for the way she treated my friend because she doesn't know anything about him, and he was just being kind. She quickly apologized. The rest of the time that we were sitting at the counter her group had their eyes fixed on us.

Thanks, Titan. Yeah, it seems when you're comfortable with yourself, you can become safe harbour for others. Like 'Grinus told me above, "they are not keeping you company, you are keeping them company." Man, I used to hate this. If i'm there reading a book or just pondering something, I used to HATE people breaking me out of my reverie. (Especially after I swallowed the 'red pill'. ) But now I am feeling much more receptive to this, especially with strangers; not knowing what direction this could take, it could end up being an enlightening (or just a pleasant) conversation. And if they turn out to be an asshole, well it's a good test to see where I TRULY am with indifference. Oh yeah baby. It's like Kidd!! said in his thread ("The Barometer", I think it's called). The ones in their prime are too good to talk to you, but little girls and old women have no such reservations. And both of these I just find to be ADORABLE! It seems to me that there are more 'bands' as well, but there's probably a whole host of variations:

- around 9 to 11 years or so: will openly gawk, lost & not knowing what to do, or even smile in a nervous & excited way ("Dude, I like you soooooo much but don't know what to do.") There is DEFINITELY sexuality going on here, but in a really cute, sweet way, as opposed to a 'predator/prey' type of way (although I am now detecting a slight hint of that in this band as well ) By the way, I am also detecting that sexuality in the outer bands mentioned above as well, but it's in the background (of the interaction, not necessarily the person).
- 30's, '40's or even a still-attractive '50's: Keep an eye on the emergency exits, just in case you need to exit quickly with them, or alternatively run from them . I believe this is the bracket you were referring to when you said older women?
- and then getting closer to the fronting motherfuckers in their prime, you get the 13, 14 year olds or thereabouts. I have been finding that these check you out really hard, and the sexual attraction emanating from them is reaaaal potent (sometimes even more so than the 18 to 26 year olds!), but they front and fight with themselves, and it's obvious to see (and fun to watch ). In fact, it sometimes seems as if they front EVEN HARDER than the 18-26. Good fun.

In all cases, 'Mirror' applies.

Recently I was at a luncheon, and while lining up for food this fat old lady who I barely ever met walked past me, and rubbed my back in a circular motion while doing so. Felt good . My thoughts: "Enjoy it, gran. For this moment when nobody's looking, soak it up - it's yours." Another old lady who I was introduced to a few months back just looked up at me and whispered, with her mouth in an 'O' of shock: "Oh. My. God."

Anyway, 'Grinus asked me to elaborate on something, and i'm happy to give back if I can. I'm also going to expand on the events around it a bit, because some other things happened around these experiences that also touch on other things that are encouraged on this forum, so i'm going to divide it up into separate posts - anyone can read only on the issue they want to read (although they're probably all interconnected):

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

LETTING GO:
First off, i recently realised that I was sliding back into needyness. I basically transferred my ego (*hands out* hold up, Flow! I'm ok! ) from 'wanting women' to 'wanting to know that women wanted me'. No biggie - I expected this, and once I noticed it, just decided to observe it. So even if I was out observing everyone (guys, gals, fat chicks, old ladies, how pretty someone's earring is, what a nice handbag they have or shoes they're wearing - seriously, some of this shit is really pretty and/or interesting to watch ), I noticed that if I observed no hot chicks jocking me, it would drop my mood a bit. Came to a head Friday night (said to myself "Man, I thought i'd dealt with this shit!" ), and when I got home I just sat down on my couch and 'let it go' as 'Grinus has described in maaaany threads, and something clicked: I had been playing with this for a while, but this is the first time I 'got serious about just allowing it", contradictory as that may sound. And for the first time I felt what Flow describes about the 'energy moving around'; in my case (JIC it's different for different folks) it felt like the feeling (a dull type of hotness or something, I dunno.....) was pulsating: intensifying, then subsiding, then intensifying, etc. with no specific pattern. Also, it felt like the amount of area it occupied in my body was fluctuating in a similar way. After it eventually subsided, I said to my body "If you wanna say even more, go right ahead. This is your time, baby, not mine." Then after a while, a slight feeling came back up, and when the whole thing was over, I realised it took almost 45 mins.

So the next day (Sat) I was at a mall reading/observing, and the same feelings came up again. No prob. Just felt my body (my practicing of inner body awareness over the last few months have served me in good stead!) while I continued watching people, or reading my book. Feeling didn't magically go away, mind you - the dull ache of needyness was still there, but the more I felt it, the less of it seemed to be there. Then I suddenly realised a) I was getting this done (letting go) in realtime, in public, so there's nothing to worry about, I can deal with it, and b) how utterly ridiculous the whole thing is (wanting to be seen as attractive). I was chuckling uncontrollably - couldn't stop. Then magic started happening; magic that i've grown accustomed to, but not in such rapid succession......

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

GUT
All kindsa shit started happening, as I said before, but i'll stick (for now) with what 'Grinus asked me to elaborate on:

Eventually ended up at the supermarket to get a few things. As I was lining up, this older, chubby woman was behind me (let's call her 'Chubs'), and she only had a couple things, so I told her to go in front of me. She kept checking back and forth to see if there were shorter lines anywhere else. So without editing or checking myself (because I felt a gradually, increasingly familiar compulsion - three letter word), I smirked and said to her "You know, I find that I can't help but see a woman who is constantly looking at other options as somewhat wanton." She laughed & denied it, and I said "I never told you that was a bad thing." [Bear in mind that I was not sexually attracted to her; was just having fun. I do this sometimes. Despite the manipulations, I find many women to be playful, but I need to use my gut to tell me who I can start on. Or alternatively, bring the teasing up gradually and see how she responds. By the way, some old ladies flirt and handle innuendo REAL well. ]

So we're chatting away about nothing in particular (she's getting very animated), and eventually the woman in front of her is being checked through (middle-aged but not bad-looking, has kept herself in good shape, has a very 'mousy' and nerdy look about her - let's call her 'Specs'). Somehow, one of Chubby's things gets confused with hers & checked through, so now it's a mess over Specs paying for it and Chubs will pay her back. Specs says, grinning at me, "You caused this - you're disruptive."

Once again, out my mouth before I could edit it, I tell Chubs "You thought you could trick her into paying for your stuff, but she seems really quiet, and we all know it's really the quiet ones that are the wanton ones. You may have bitten off more than you can chew." Specs denies this, with a BROAAAAD smile on her face. I remind her that I said that being wanton is ok with me. Specs says "I'm not, but my husband is. Worse still, he's shameless about it." I say "Shit, that's the combination i'm aspiring to, but i'm new to it and I can't quite get it right - I need some pointers from him. At any rate, I consider you lucky to have a man like that. Why are you still talking to me? Get back home so you can both be wanton TOGETHER." She looks at me like i'm a steak........

Then I hear a voice behind me, telling the other two "HE looks wanton; you can see it written ALL over him!" I turn around, it's the woman in line behind me, a very shy/quiet-looking, but not nerdy woman, closer to my age, slightly chubby but a little cute, and very innocent-looking. She's grinning like a cheshire cat. So I say "You look QUIETEST of all, and I am therefore scared shitless of YOU." She denies this, and I note that all she has are wine & beer, and point out to her that these are the hallmarks of a wanton evening. She then points out some small items she's purchasing for her young son at home. I say "Good grief. So you expect me to believe that you got him through a stork? Besides, you say i'm wanton, but how would you know (words start to slow down) unless.. you.... had..... the.......... experience.............? Oh God........" And I leave my mouth open, in mock horror. She lowers her head & really blushes. When she looks back up, there's that 'sparkle' in her eye. As if to say "Yes I have, and it's wonderful." Then this comes out of me automatically, with a smile of pride for HER on my face, in a flat tone and low voice: "I am so happy for you right now, words fail me." Another blush, then a smile that says "You're really cool. I'm real glad we met."

At this point, Chubs had left, but the other two were bubbling with a kind of subdued enthusiasm. It was like the energy that little girls give off when they're 'comfortably excited' with me, but a little more well-formed, not so 'wild'......

Then I got on with my life. Oh, I forgot to mention, Specs had her daughter with her (looked to be about 10/11 years old), and she too was grinning from ear-to-ear at me throughout this whole exchange. Specs made absolutely no move to 'protect' her from this 'adult' situation.

Throughout this whole episode, the entire volume of the supermarket went up, to the point where it was unnaturally loud. And 'Grinus, you're right - there's an energy to it as well. And I feel like if I 'used' it I would've forced things and gone overboard; it was more like riding a wave, balancing on it, going with it, I guess. I also notice that if i'm out at a mall reading/observing, the longer I stay in my seat, the more this ambient noise happens too. It seems to rise gradually, but other times I don't notice it until it's actually uncomfortable.

Like I said in my earlier post, the cashier looked miserable and almost hostile when I first entered the line; by the time she handed me my change, she was beaming, and looked at me as if to say "Thanks for making my night."

I wished everyone a wonderful weekend (with a knowing smile to everyone revealed as 'wanton') and made my exit......

.....but not before being stopped by one of the younger employees to make sure the guys in the back of the store confirmed something I had asked her about earlier...... followed by some more chatting. Then I REALLY had to go.

Remember, this is the same evening I encountered those feelings of needyness in my last post.

This post came out much longer than I intended. Sorry about that, but I hope it shows what you were looking for me to show, and that like you said, it shows the possibilities.

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Also Titan, I forgot to ask: rather than (or in addition to) you being less threatening, could this be because of the following?

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

1. I thought that I was the only person that got that hot feeling all over. It started happening right before spring break, and now the feeling has been occurring more frequently. I've tried to observe where that feeling comes from. I have not discerned whether or not it comes from outside sources. Your post confirmed for me that it is an internal feeling.

I might add that the reason that you feel that way is because you genuinely feel attractive. You feel like things actually do come to you. I don't know what I'm exactly trying to say because I don't have the words yet.

It's like that cool feeling you get where there are shivers, but it's not in a creepy way. It's like you have AC and heat on at the same time. It's just different.

2. What did you mean when you said that in all cases "Mirror" applies?

3. As for the quote, I'm not sure. All I know is that's the feeling I have at times. I also do recognize my appearance though. I have long dreads. My dreads are died blonde and red. I'm a big guy (muscular sense). The long hair makes me look more feminine. I noticed after my dreads got to the point where they hit my forehead that I have a "softer" looking appearance.

Basically, if they are feeling aroused around me, I may also be aroused around them, even if I am not consciously aware of it. (Though I guess there are exceptions/other variables, etc.)

Relatedly, I think Kidd!! said once about how he was feeling aroused around this chick, so he asked her if her nipples were hard. She said "Yeah, how did you know?"

I thought it was only on this forum that I would hear about this kind of shit. But I was in a shop that I frequent, chilling and talking with the girl who works there. A really cool gay guy who I enjoy talking to whenever I see him in there walked in, and while we were chatting he said something that COULD be construed as a pass at me, or maybe not. After he left, I told the chick "I really like that guy, but I hope he wasn't making a move on me. I'm not gay, but I don't have any problem with a guy being attracted to me. It's just that, in his case, I would hate to be the one to let down such a cool guy in that way." Without looking up from what she was doing, she said "Don't worry about it, if he was turned on by you just now, you would've felt turned on too, even if you didn't know why."

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"