"Are You Healed… or Just Isolated With No One to Trigger You?"
A backstory first.
She was a temporary neighbor - a young, very sexual woman, studying, small tattoos and Instagram-whore.
Gorgeous by today's standards, but not at all my type.
I got two months with her, walking our dogs, helping her prep her exams, all evenings and weekends.
I heard her whole life, her insecurities, everything. I loved it; I called myself her gay best friend.
But the more proximity and more time spent together, the more I was drawn to her in a way I never felt before.
And as I was "scared" of losing "her" (whatever that meant, the friendship, the relationship, scared of being turned down, ...), instead of staying in my "non-sexual Natural", I went Inner / analytical mode. Sent a big whatsapp message telling her "I'd love to have you as my girlfriend but I understand that we're friends", ... Simp shit.
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Anyways, here are the lessons.
For fifteen years I did the inner work. I named my mental loops not the real deep nervous systems ones.
I thought I was mentally prepared, feeling calm, cool and collected. I thought I was healed.
You are not healed because you feel calm. Not if you are alone, with no one near enough to press the button.
A wound never touched is not closed. It is sleeping.
And she touched them all, because of my attraction towards her, how connected I was to her, how she mirrors me to the utmost of anyone I've ever known.
-> My attraction towards her made me want to go deeper inside, to not stay surface level.
-> Her being a mirror means that what I see in her is the opposite of what's in me (her over-sexual, me almost asexual, her fully extroverted, me introverted, her constantly needing attention, ... and me offering, ...)
She did not lecture me. She simply pulled back at my message. She went cold. She didn't even say "no" to me or the message. She just came at my house cold as an iceberg.
That coldness reached me further than fifteen years of reflection ever had. I could not stand feeling it.
I stayed in this uncomfortable feeling, without talking to her, while she was inside my house. For two hours. Then when she got up to leave, I erupted verbally. At her coldness.
She did not help me heal with warmth. was just being real and cold enough to reach me.
She could have manipulated me. She could have faked many things to have more advantages.
She did not. I was the one who fled expressing my feelings, I fled the repercussion of her going cold, I justified, over-explained, ... during the conflicts, instead of really sitting through it.
She was very descriptive, precise, lucid, in her words. Like knives.
Then. We had multiple disputes, back and forth continuing to talk / over explain / patch things up without addressing the wounds, ...
Over the three big fights, between my actions, her reactions, then my reflection / inner work and some guidance by good friends, I'm quite sure I healed all my childhood wounds and now see my loops, as a couple of weeks ago, after our last conflict, I let it all sit in my bed. After taking 2g of psilocybe shrooms (not recommended, just for truthfulness).
I had visions of my childhood, fights between my parents, me in the middle, ... I cried and cried and cried. ... Then it healed.
I don't think I'll ever see her again after all I did to her (judged her, insulted her, not giving her enough space, ...) during our conflicts (even though she's one heck of a narc, full darvo attacks, no accountability whatsoever, ... - Again, my mirror. Opposite reactions to same triggers. Opposite "managers / firefighters" (IFS)), but the lessons will stay for the rest of my new life.
So, if it may echo to some readers, my loops (based on IFS therapy, see
my other post) :
Very strong feeling → fear of being overwhelmed → escape into the intellect → feeling never really felt → it returns worse. (Goes with activities, procrastination, ... and comes directly from childhood conflicts)
Desire too strong → fear of not handling it and letting it loose -> fear of being seen as a predator → repression → intellect → Big Whatsapp message of projections, plans → Rejected. (Goes with scared of intimacy, almost asexual and no long time girlfriend, just one night stands with women I didn't like, ...)
Fear of being left → I read a sign in every silence → I leave first → I built the abandonment I dreaded. (Giving gifts, being the good neighbor, wanting people to like me, ...)
Lack of boundaries → hurt → I say nothing → it stacks → it rots → one day it floods, over something small and far from the cause. (Goes with work, family, neighbors, ...)
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A wound is not healed by being understood. It is healed by being triggered - and then not running. (Just allow it, per GP Walsh)
I am not claiming to be fixed. Something truer:
What I once buried, I can now see. And what was seen has be healed and will continue to heal with new experiences.
Now, when something is triggered in me, I can stay. I can feel it, name it, say it - in one honest sentence, the day it happens.
I see it with my Mom, my Dad. It's triggering me less, I'm way more "feeling" it now, not overthinking, less reactive, it just flows more.
So the question is yours now, and do not let yourself dodge it:
"Am I healed… or am I just isolated, with no one to trigger me?"
Experience is the best teacher because it is the only teacher. Everything else is getting ready.
You can prepare for fifteen years. You will not know what you are made of until someone stands close enough to trigger you, hurt you - and you do not run.
Take what is useful. But do not skip the question.
This forum is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Many thanks.
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