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 Post subject: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:10 pm 
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Location: Levelling up.
Been with this girl nigh on 10 months. I'm turning 32, her 28. We've never really discussed the future per se, but she sure as anything implied that she wants L/T. She's a good girl, shows a lot of love and commitment toward me. I have imagined the possibility of raising a child or two with her and always felt as though it was be a positive thing.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she rang me to say she had tested positive. I asked her what she wanted to do and her answer couldn't have been clearer; she wanted to terminate. Her main reasoning was that she felt she was in no financial state and didn't want to raise a child in a 'miserable' environment, which is a little insulting :lol: She may aswell have said 'YOU' are in no financial state, despite me being in a comfortable and stable job with a company who want me to progress even further up the chain.

I composed myself enough to reply that it was her decision and that I respect it. I didn't like her choice(I'm not a pro-lifer, but there is a huge part of me which feels the unfairness of terminating a potential life because their parents were not responsible), but I chose to respect it. I kept my feelings to myself and went with her decision, giving her unconditional support - after all, I would never wish to raise a child with someone who was so clear that they didn't want and would make no attempt to persuade them. So we split the cost(her suggestion) and it went ahead. I looked after her pretty damn well.

Three weeks later and I'm struggling with what this all means. I'm trying to separate emotion and logic, trying to determine positive reasons for her choice, but this situation has raised some alarm bells. Whilst it's good of her not to baby-trap me, I now question whether the relationship has a future; whether she actually wants a family with me(seems not), if her love is true and how she perceives me and this relationship. What is the mirror showing me here. I feel pretty detached from her right now, not really wanting to see or communicate with her. It feels hard to do this with a Woman who aborts your baby. My instinct is telling me that if there isn't a truly solid reason(age, being in education, being on the poverty line etc etc), then a Woman who aborts your child is not going to be a long term partner. Her choice feels totally separate from me, know what I mean? I now know what guys mean when they say they're just a sperm donor.

To summarise, I am at peace with her choice but not with the relationship as a result of the choice.

Cheers.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:13 pm 
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Fuck, I can feel how that must be painful for you..

But, about something else:

Leo wrote:
comfortable and stable job


Leo wrote:
comfortable


Hmmm


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:22 pm 
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Location: Levelling up.
Before I answer, what about it?


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:26 pm 
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Little hint here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6c2hPIymvQ


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:48 pm 
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Location: Laniakea Supercluster
Your values and her values

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Nothing in common


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 2:25 pm 
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Jared wrote:
Your values and her values


I thought they were the same up until this point...but they are different, with neither being right nor wrong.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:38 pm 
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Leo wrote:
.. I asked her what she wanted to do



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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 4:44 pm 
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Location: UK
https://youtu.be/RDmwPGrZkYs

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 5:08 pm 
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For what it's worth I don't agree with Shapiro and this is not about whether abortion is right or not.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 5:57 pm 
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Leo wrote:
For what it's worth I don't agree with Shapiro and this is not about whether abortion is right or not.


A good woman will do what I want her to do or goodbye.
I am not a tyrant. She does have a choice.

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Nothing in common


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:23 pm 
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Leo wrote:
For what it's worth I don't agree with Shapiro and this is not about whether abortion is right or not.


If abortion isn't wrong then how is it different from her simply using contraception? And why would that be a problem for you? I disagree hence your emotional predicament.

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 5:03 pm 
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Pindar wrote:
Leo wrote:
For what it's worth I don't agree with Shapiro and this is not about whether abortion is right or not.


If abortion isn't wrong then how is it different from her simply using contraception? And why would that be a problem for you? I disagree hence your emotional predicament.



The fact that they feel differently about it has nothing to do with right or wrong, the issue is that they have different values in an area/situation that is a big enough deal it seems as though terminating the relationship is on the table.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 5:12 pm 
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Leo,

You don't specify, did you make it clear to her that your wish was to keep the baby?


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:52 pm 
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luciddream wrote:
The fact that they feel differently about it has nothing to do with right or wrong, the issue is that they have different values in an area/situation that is a big enough deal it seems as though terminating the relationship is on the table.



Type 'morality definition' into Google and you get this ... 'principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behaviour; a particular system of values and principles of conduct'.

Principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong = values. My first ethics module at uni was called ]'values and virtues.


luciddream wrote:
Leo,

You don't specify, did you make it clear to her that your wish was to keep the baby?


He did make it clear, as he says above.


Either he's upset because a girl he's only been out with for 10 months doesn't want to commit (yet) to having a baby. Or ....

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:59 pm 
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I am going to throw a bone into the mix.

Forget about her (temporarily).

How do you feel about what happened?

What did it tell you about yourself?

Did it change your opinion of what you want?

_________________
In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:13 pm 
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Posts: 409
Location: Levelling up.
peregrinus wrote:
How do you feel about what happened?


Pretty terrible.

I didn't feel terrible when I found out, I was a little shocked and, to be honest, a little happy too. But now I have a bad feeling about it.

Quote:
What did it tell you about yourself?


That I don't really have a clear vision.

Quote:
Did it change your opinion of what you want?


One day I want to have a kid, so in that regard no. It just changed my opinion about the relationship itself.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:20 pm 
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Posts: 409
Location: Levelling up.
Pindar wrote:
luciddream wrote:
The fact that they feel differently about it has nothing to do with right or wrong, the issue is that they have different values in an area/situation that is a big enough deal it seems as though terminating the relationship is on the table.



Type 'morality definition' into Google and you get this ... 'principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behaviour; a particular system of values and principles of conduct'.

Principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong = values. My first ethics module at uni was called ]'values and virtues.


luciddream wrote:
Leo,

You don't specify, did you make it clear to her that your wish was to keep the baby?


He did make it clear, as he says above.


Either he's upset because a girl he's only been out with for 10 months doesn't want to commit (yet) to having a baby. Or ....


Re-read it Pindar, I was not clear about it with her.

I asked her first what she wanted to do without giving anything away myself and she was clear that she did not want to keep. I expected a different reaction and the reality was very different. I decided that, based upon her reaction, It was not meant to be and would not confuse her mind even more.

I did ask her a few times if she knew what she was doing, and if she wanted to proceed. Again she was clear. So I went along with it. I am as much to blame as her, it's a joint responsibility. Still a pretty confusing and fucked up situation.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:44 pm 
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Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2010 12:08 pm
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Deeper Leo, much deeper..

One answer is not enough, there is more to come out.

Much more that you can learn about yourself through this encounter.

Much you also have found out (yet to realise) about how you would want to do things differently in the future, situationally, people involved, timing, lots of things.

Separate from the specific encounter, ie her as the girl... and think much wider.

This is about you, not her.

_________________
In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 9:10 am 
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Leo wrote:
Pindar wrote:
luciddream wrote:
The fact that they feel differently about it has nothing to do with right or wrong, the issue is that they have different values in an area/situation that is a big enough deal it seems as though terminating the relationship is on the table.



Type 'morality definition' into Google and you get this ... 'principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behaviour; a particular system of values and principles of conduct'.

Principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong = values. My first ethics module at uni was called ]'values and virtues.


luciddream wrote:
Leo,

You don't specify, did you make it clear to her that your wish was to keep the baby?


He did make it clear, as he says above.


Either he's upset because a girl he's only been out with for 10 months doesn't want to commit (yet) to having a baby. Or ....


Re-read it Pindar, I was not clear about it with her.

I asked her first what she wanted to do without giving anything away myself and she was clear that she did not want to keep. I expected a different reaction and the reality was very different. I decided that, based upon her reaction, It was not meant to be and would not confuse her mind even more.

I did ask her a few times if she knew what she was doing, and if she wanted to proceed. Again she was clear. So I went along with it. I am as much to blame as her, it's a joint responsibility. Still a pretty confusing and fucked up situation.


Indeed. I was over zealous. Sorry Lucid

_________________
We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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 Post subject: Re: GF had an abortion
PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 5:36 pm 
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Posts: 409
Location: Levelling up.
peregrinus wrote:
Deeper Leo, much deeper..

One answer is not enough, there is more to come out.

Much more that you can learn about yourself through this encounter.

Much you also have found out (yet to realise) about how you would want to do things differently in the future, situationally, people involved, timing, lots of things.

Separate from the specific encounter, ie her as the girl... and think much wider.

This is about you, not her.




peregrinus wrote:
I am going to throw a bone into the mix.

Forget about her (temporarily).

How do you feel about what happened?

What did it tell you about yourself?

Did it change your opinion of what you want?


Been thinking on this for a week. Total block.

I need to re-calibrate and re-learn how to think critically and outside of the box. Been too dormant the last 6 months.


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