Natural Freedom

This is my last post before mid-September, i.e. when university starts back up. Here's a few notes, updates, thoughts, etc.

-I realized what I want to do with my life work wise. Not really go into too much detail, but it is a business idea that will take maybe 1-2 years to get into the freelance stage, and 4-5 to actually hire people/distribute work/etc. Plus, it's doing something that I absolutely love (although I'm still learning). Funny thing is, I found out about this passion after installing a computer filter (30 minutes of time-wasting sites a day) and being forced to do something else other than browse the internet, it all put itself together.

-I've started workout out and doing cardio work (sprints+tabatas, fuck long distance running and jogging) again, and my body is already in better shape than it has been the past 3-4 years. I'll continue that throughout the summer, along with stretching, vertical jump work, agility stuff for soccer etc. All in all, I'm gonna be a beast on the field and on the court when soccer and basketball season picks up next semester. Even beat a person one on one (basketball), who I was hopeless against this past year. Jumpshot is back, all is good.

-I'm going to go ahead with the 90 day challenge (for realz), already on Day 11. That, along with meditation and acceptance work, is going to be my path, NF-wise, for the summer. I've already had some realizations into what sex/masturbation meant for me (feeling of being loved and accepted by somebody else. That's like euphoria for me.)

-About the feeling loved part. That's my main thing. I expect everybody to shun me, even though what I want most is to feel loved and accepted for who I am. I know I'm a good/interesting/valuable person, but it's like that opinion means shit when compared to what parents/peers thing (who don't respect me because I shut myself off and don't respect myself.)

-It's nice, saying "let it go", and I'd like to - but on the other hand, I feel extreme agression, hostility and danger from the external environment, like I'm a helpless kid. The deeper I go, it becomes more difficult to handle and seemingly more frightening. Like I'm dialing back defenses that I've built up and seeing what I was defending in the 1st place. But this is a very dark period for me.

-I'm already starting to see this divide between that fear and the "me without fear". But it's still there. I've learned that the more I resist these kinds of things, the more they'll come back, so I'm going to let it be. But it is a bitch in...

-Work. I have a job where I absolutely need good communication, confidence and friendliness. I don't have a single one right now, with me seeing fear, feeling about as unconfident and small as I can, and not being able to express myself. It sucks, and it needs to get sorted out soon. It's one of the reasons why I'm finding patience and acceptance difficult.

-It's like the process of translating what I want to say into actual words/tones/energy is faulty and keeps expressing my thoughts in a way to shrink/hide/seem small.

-So all in all, it's not really a lack of inner work or awareness. I know what my problems are. But they're not going away, nor am I succeeding in letting them go. Shit's just more frightening the more I "see the elephant".

So that's about it. I'll check back if you guys have anything to say about the inner work I'm doing (be glad if you did), but then I'll stop visiting for the summer. So long!

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

Happy travels moose35

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Gl sir , see you in a bit.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

Good luck dude and see you when you come back, that is....if you come back.