If I Only Had a V

If I only had a V
I could be accusatory
And hide in anonymity
Despite my obvious perjury.

If I only had a V
I could live so happily
Causing untold agony
To the man who married me.

If I only had a V
I would be officially
protected by immunity
With no responsibility.

If I only had a V
I would dress most prettily
And all of the judiciary
Would judge my claims most favourably.

If I only had a V
I would use it expertly
To generate equality
That somehow always favours me.

If I only had a V
I could act appallingly
And cause my partner misery
No matter how atrociously.

If I only had a V
I would stroke it tenderly
Because quite unbelievably
It is my gold-filled treasury.