The Value of Others: Understanding the Economic Model of Relationships to Get (and Keep) More of What You Want in the Sexual Marketplace
Amazon link :
https://www.amazon.com/Value-Others-Und ... B0D1Q5LHNV
If everyone is looking to secure a relationship with their perceived best option, then the perception of value must be at the heart of human coupling. In this groundbreaking work, psychologist Orion Taraban sets forth his economic model of relationships and exposes the often uncomfortable laws that govern the sexual marketplace. After reading The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again.
Orion Taraban, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the creator of PsycHacks, a popular podcast devoted to relationships and personal development. He lives in Napa, California.
My opinion :
This is one of the greats. Really in my Top 5. Have read it twice.
It has its place in here.
It provides new concepts and analogies, clearly explains multiple things in a clear, neutral lingo. (Being your best friend, frame, Value in general and SMV, why women tests and why you should lead, fishing vs hunting, boundaries, different != equal ...)
I could provide quotes similar to Kidd / Grinus / Patrice on oh so many subjects. Really a brilliant book.
Very much recommended read.
I had done many many quotes but don't want to spoil too much, so I'll just quote the
conclusion of each chapter to give you a rough approximation of the content, though it is very dense and touches way more matrixes :
Chapter 1
Relationships are the media in which value is transacted
In this chapter, I introduced some of the fundamental principles of the economic model of relationships. Because people want things from others, they enter into relationships. And because this process is subject to certain rules and laws, people must play the game of relationships to get these things. Individuals enter into relationships with their perceived best options, which means that the perception of value resides at the heart of all relationships. Value is calculated by an extremely complex and almost entirely unconscious process, the outcome of which is transformed into an emotion that impels people to act in line with that outcome. In the context of sexual relationships, this emotion is desire. However, desire remains mysterious – even to ourselves – due to goal conflation and a lack of awareness of our own functioning.
If people must transact their sexual relationships in the game of mating and dating, then there must be a field of play. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss the nature of this field: the sexual marketplace.
Chapter 2
Sexual relationships are transacted in the sexual marketplace
In this chapter, I described the sexual marketplace as a dock where captains and passengers compete for the right to do business with each other. This led to a discussion of the complementary relationship between the three challenges of the captain and the three prerogatives of the passenger. I also briefly touched on the relationship between marketplace role and gender, and some of the implications of this intersectionality.
That said, mastering a role is not enough to secure a relationship. All relationships – from casual hook-ups to lifelong partnerships – are comprised of three stages: attraction, negotiation, and maintenance. In some cases, these stages transpire over a matter of minutes; in others, decades. However, if you look carefully, these three stages are always present.
In the next several chapters, we’ll discuss how each of these stages operates. I’ll begin by tackling that thorny and often misunderstood component of attraction: sexual marketplace value.
Chapter 3
Everyone has a value in the sexual marketplace
In this chapter, I discussed several conceptualizations of sexual marketplace value. This detour was necessary because – like it or not – these valuations have a profound influence on all three stages of relationships. All other things being equal, a person with a higher sexual marketplace value will attract more desirable partners for mating and dating, negotiate more preferential relationship terms, and maintain relationships more successfully against intrasexual competition, relative to a person with lower SMV. Furthermore, an individual’s perceived sexual marketplace value does more to determine whether an interaction occurs that could lead to a sexual opportunity than any other single factor. What is written here is far from the whole story, but it will have to serve for now.
At this point, let’s assume there is sufficient initial mutual attraction to motivate an interaction in the sexual marketplace. While each party’s pSMV will continue to fluctuate in the other’s mind as the interaction unfolds, the two have functionally entered into the negotiation stage of the relationship. As we’ll see, this stage is exceedingly nuanced and involved. It also begins long before an actual proposition is offered. Learning to play this phase of the game well will dramatically improve an individual’s bargaining posture once the proposal becomes explicit.
Chapter 4
Everyone is trying to negotiate their best possible offer
In this chapter, I discussed some of the most salient features of marketplaces and argued that the necessity to transact with others is a net positive for both individuals and their communities. In particular, I focused on two essential properties of marketplaces – antagonism and competition – that give rise to the necessity for negotiation, and I described some of the ways these properties influence the sexual marketplace on a high level. Finally, I offered optimization strategies for each of the four role-sex combinations. All other things being equal, these strategies should help to position actors most advantageously in their respective negotiation processes.
All these considerations affect negotiation on a macro scale. In the next chapter, I will discuss the game of negotiation on a micro scale – that is, in the moment-to-moment exchange of an interaction – and the strategies that people predictably employ in their attempts to get what they want.
Chapter 5
Negotiation is the fundamental game of human relationships
In this chapter, I introduced the fundamental game of human relationships: the Game of Please/No. Since the universe lives closed, people are forced by necessity to secure their needs and wants from others using a variety of recognizable behavioral strategies, most of which hinge on the manipulation of a human emotion or a feature of human consciousness. The most successful individuals are those who can consistently turn “nos” into “yeses” by listening attentively to the moment-to-moment exchange that characterizes most negotiations. I also discussed the most common gendered strategies in the Game as it is typically played down on the docks of the sexual marketplace.
Although the Game of Please/No can unfold in an infinite variety of ways, the outcome of every game is decided by a single factor. In the next chapter, I will discuss what that factor is and how players on both sides can manipulate it in their favor.
Chapter 6
The more powerful player always wins the Game
In this chapter, I argued that power – the ability to get other people to act in the service of your goals – is the single most decisive factor in the determination of the outcome of any Game of Please/No. Of particular relevance, I noted that most of the attributes that people associate with this factor – like money, status, and physical strength – are proxies of power, while actual power is immaterial, as the lever that compels people to act is always psychological. I then discussed 10 principles of power, which collectively can be used to identify the more powerful player in any given interaction.
These principles are applicable to relationships, in general. However, another dimension of power exists that is especially relevant to sexual relationships, in particular. We’ll look at this important factor more closely in the next chapter.
Chapter 7
Attractiveness is the key to power in sexual relationships
In this chapter, I introduced the most important dimension of power pertaining to sexual relationships: attraction. After defining this concept in relation to sexual marketplace value, I argued that – all other things being equal – the more attractive partner is the more powerful player in any sexual relationship. This led to a discussion of the three laws of attraction and several of the constructs to which they give rise, including: the balance of attraction, the attraction gap, and the fundamental romantic misunderstanding. Using these ideas, I was then able to explain a number of otherwise mysterious phenomena and provide a reliable metric for measuring people’s levels of attraction.
At this point, I’ve provided an overview of various aspects of the negotiation phase of relationships. In the next chapter, I’ll move on to the maintenance phase so that we may better understand why some relationships go the distance – and others do not.
Chapter 8
There is no happily ever after
In this chapter, I turned my attention to the third phase that constitutes all relationships: the maintenance phase. In particular, I examined three of the most significant Crises that are subject to occurring once a ship sets sail. In the Crisis of Disillusionment, individuals must decide to whom they are more attracted: their actual partners or their own projected fantasies. Further out at sea, the second Crisis, an Attempted Mutiny, forces both parties to come to terms with issues related to power and frame. Finally, the couple must eventually escape the unwavering Doldrums, the third maintenance Crisis, by nurturing sufficient desire to propagate forward motion. Those who successfully navigate these Crises – either through prudence or cunning – may arrive to enjoy the best that relationships have to offer: a sustained and mutually satisfying intimacy.
Having now discussed all three relationship phases in some detail, we will increasingly abstract from the individual dynamics in which relationships transpire to the larger social and cultural contexts in which they occur. I’ll begin by responding to the most common criticism of my economic model of relationships: the love exception.
Chapter 9
Love has nothing to do with relationships
In this chapter, I responded to the most common critique of my economic model of relationships: the exception that not every good is transactable. I agreed with this observation but argued that relationships – as the media in which value is transacted – are not necessary for the transmission of these goods. I then examined the most commonly misunderstood non-transactable good: love. First in the negative sense of what it is not (i.e., romance) and then in the positive sense of what it, in fact, is (i.e., the humiliated self, triumphant). Finally, I asserted that all NTGs are valueless in both senses of the word and suggested that appreciating the abundance of these goods may be more useful than insisting on their scarcity.
Having laid the groundwork for a general theory of relationships, we can now turn our attention to the attributes of successful relationships. In the next chapter, I will discuss the most important consideration with respect to such relationships.
Chapter 10
You can’t have any relationship with anyone
In this chapter, I discussed the importance of selection in successful relationships. By approaching dating as an extended hiring process, people can significantly increase the likelihood of getting what they want by prioritizing goodness of fit. By hiring slow (and firing fast), men and women can avoid most of the problems known to plague sexual relationships. And by using a combination of reasoned consideration and emotional intelligence, people can minimize risk and maximize reward across time.
At this point, we’re well-positioned to discuss how men and women can increase the chances of securing their desired outcomes in the game of mating and dating. In the next chapter, I will examine these optimal, gendered strategies for navigating the sexual marketplace.
Chapter 11
There is always a better move
In this chapter, I examined how the asymmetrical outset of the game of mating and dating – in conjunction with the rules currently in force in the contemporary sexual marketplace – gives rise to different optimal strategies for men and women. I argued that women are most able to secure long-term relationships with high-value men when they are younger, and I encouraged them to strategically gatekeep their sexual opportunity in order to “hook” the men they have targeted for commitment. Conversely, I explained why men are most able to secure all kinds of relationships with more desirable women when they are older, and I motivated them to increase their optionality by cultivating wealth, status, and prestige. As the game continues to evolve, so, too, will the strategies associated with the highest likelihood of success.
In the next (and final) chapter, I’ll turn my attention to the current state of the sexual marketplace, investigate the forces behind the ongoing relationship crisis, and make a few predictions about the future of mating and dating.
Chapter 12
People don’t really want relationships
In this chapter, I argued that people don’t really want relationships: they want the value that relationships provide. If that value can be secured more cheaply, more easily, and more safely in other ways, then people will increasingly abandon the sexual marketplace in favor of these solutions. Certain technological developments – like birth control and p2p internet platforms – have brought about a precipitous decline in sexual relationships by significantly altering their valuations through unforeseen economic pathways. However, this crisis also contains an unexpected opportunity: the possibility of reimagining our relationship models for the modern day.