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I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
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Author:  Slim Titan [ Thu Mar 05, 2015 8:07 pm ]
Post subject:  I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
It's been 8 months now since I've essentially put myself in the hyperbolic time chamber with exercise and mental pushups. One of the first things I did 8 months ago was to tell my father how I wasn't happy with his absence and the way he treated me when I was a young child.

It took so much courage to do it. It was still the same day as my graduation from college. I was about to break down in tears. I remember saying, "I don't hate you. I'm just not happy." He listened to everything and said ok. I told him that I wanted us to actually have a relationship going into the future. 8 months later, I still haven't done anything. I don't even know what to do now because it's been so long.
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Fri Mar 06, 2015 6:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Just show up and see what he does. Then, follow your gut. Come across more like you're fine without him rather than needy...if he cares at all, it'll draw him out. But overall quit worrying about it...it's on him now not you.

You did your part...now give him the space to do his...or not. :geek:
Author:  Slim Titan [ Sun Mar 08, 2015 11:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
The Kidd!! wrote:
Just show up and see what he does. Then, follow your gut. Come across more like you're fine without him rather than needy...if he cares at all, it'll draw him out. But overall quit worrying about it...it's on him now not you.

You did your part...now give him the space to do his...or not. :geek:
We're in different states so I can't show up. My bad if it reads like that. I'll call him though just to see what happens.

I thought he would at least call me on my birthday, but to be fair, I missed his birthday (it came before mine).

I always thought he hated me. I recall receiving an email from a professor of a local college (relatively speaking) a few years back while I was still in school who had to tell me about how my dad bragged about me when he rode in his cab. The college is relatively close to mine and both compete with each other in sports. It took a while for the situation to register with me.

How he can brag about me but never bother to contact me is baffling. He isn't the man I once made him out to be. I probably just saw the best of myself in him.
Author:  Altair [ Sun Mar 08, 2015 11:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
If he saw a homeless person on the street he wouldn't care. Why? It's because he has nothing invested in it. He fears his legacy being worth nothing. He has a vested interest in your success because it is a direct reflection of him.

Just my two cents. It's kinda a harsh outlook though :| .
Author:  Slim Titan [ Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
The Kidd!! wrote:
Just show up and see what he does. Then, follow your gut. Come across more like you're fine without him rather than needy...if he cares at all, it'll draw him out. But overall quit worrying about it...it's on him now not you.

You did your part...now give him the space to do his...or not. :geek:
I suck. I couldn't even hold it together for a meaningless conversation. I teared up and almost started bawling like a baby. I'm sure he could hear me blowing my nose into tissue.

3/4 of the way through the conversation I pulled it together. The one thought I had was why won't he pay attention to me. When he entered his apartment I heard two female voices and possibly one male voice. It sounds like he still hasn't gotten his party days out of him or he's unable to afford single's apartment.

He's a cab driver.

:oops:

Edit: we talked about women for a while too. He's at worst an old symp. if that and most likely a pink piller at minimum. I even ran a test by him. I don't think I like having a red pill father. I would rather have a red pill brother.
Author:  fufe [ Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Have you thought about, well, analysis why you are so emotional in that situation ? You may be reacting to soemthing you want to get and didn't, etc, you know the stuff..
Not that you are going to listen to me a single bit, but I think this may be the most difficult pushup you may have done so far, but also the most important one
Author:  Slim Titan [ Mon Apr 06, 2015 2:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
I know why. It's even in the post.

I never got the recognition I thought I deserved from my father. It's pretty simple. It's just harder dealing with it.

The only thing left to do is neutralize/accept the reality that I didn't get what I needed when I was a child.
Author:  fufe [ Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
My experience is, that when you really know the reason, really know the reason, the issue dissolves.
Author:  Aragorn [ Mon Apr 06, 2015 1:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
fufe wrote:
My experience is, that when you really know the reason, really know the reason, the issue dissolves.
Yeah, I'm with fufe on this. I oftentimes had the unfortunate habit of surpressing issues by acting like I uncovered their root cause.

Take it for what it's worth (since I know you only from what you post here, and don't know your father), but it seems to me like you have a tendency to highly regard the opinion of those you perceive to be authority figures/"above you", while acting condescending and sort of asshole-ish to those that you see from the opposite perspective. Could it be that you're repeating a pattern of the relantionship you had with an authority figure that never accepted you?
Author:  Slim Titan [ Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Aragorn wrote:
fufe wrote:
My experience is, that when you really know the reason, really know the reason, the issue dissolves.
Yeah, I'm with fufe on this. I oftentimes had the unfortunate habit of surpressing issues by acting like I uncovered their root cause.

Take it for what it's worth (since I know you only from what you post here, and don't know your father), but it seems to me like you have a tendency to highly regard the opinion of those you perceive to be authority figures/"above you", while acting condescending and sort of asshole-ish to those that you see from the opposite perspective. Could it be that you're repeating a pattern of the relantionship you had with an authority figure that never accepted you?
I haven't thought about it that way. That's actually true for the hangups I had about sports. The symptoms no longer show up. I don't feel the need to lie to myself about that anymore or others. I accepted my shortcomings and realized the other strengths I had from that experience.

I'll put it on my list. I might be able to rekindle the same state of mind that I was in when I talked to him. I would rather be inclined to think of my grandmother or mother when it comes to that Aragorn. My whole family is a grab bag of assholes though.
Author:  Aragorn [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 12:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Slim Titan wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
fufe wrote:
My experience is, that when you really know the reason, really know the reason, the issue dissolves.
Yeah, I'm with fufe on this. I oftentimes had the unfortunate habit of surpressing issues by acting like I uncovered their root cause.

Take it for what it's worth (since I know you only from what you post here, and don't know your father), but it seems to me like you have a tendency to highly regard the opinion of those you perceive to be authority figures/"above you", while acting condescending and sort of asshole-ish to those that you see from the opposite perspective. Could it be that you're repeating a pattern of the relantionship you had with an authority figure that never accepted you?
I haven't thought about it that way. That's actually true for the hangups I had about sports. The symptoms no longer show up. I don't feel the need to lie to myself about that anymore or others. I accepted my shortcomings and realized the other strengths I had from that experience.

I'll put it on my list. I might be able to rekindle the same state of mind that I was in when I talked to him. I would rather be inclined to think of my grandmother or mother when it comes to that Aragorn. My whole family is a grab bag of assholes though.
Oh that's for you to instrospect on, I just thought I'd throw it out to maybe assist you down the line.

I've been reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective people (I'll probably make a post once I'm done), and in it the author talks about the importance of what we choose to focus on, and divides that into 2 categories - Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern. The Circle of Concern is a big circle of all the things that cause us worry or we feel affect our life in some way, while the Circle of Influence is a smaller circle inside the CoC, which encompasses all the things that we actually have control over.

The point I'm trying to make is I was hung up on my family being selfish, self-absorbed, and downright mean, all the while choosing to hide this behind a facade of masks and blame. It caused me great amounts of pain to never have felt unconditional love from my parents, or to not have anybody in my family (aside from my brother) that I can trust. I cried about it and had depressive states for a long, long time. It even grew to define me as a person for a while. I fantasized about situations where I would pour all of the pain I felt back onto them, or make them see the wrong they've done and beg for my forgiveness.

But it never really helped me. Felt good for a bit to not feel like I was at fault, but I was running around in circles, being pulled by the gravity of helplessness. My only periods of growth were the times where I took responsibility for myself completely and focused on the things that I could control and do. My family and their outlook on the world was not one of them.

So while looking into what situations influenced who you are today can be a good tool and lesson moving forward, it does nothing except generate more pain and dig you an even deeper hole than the one you think you might be in. Somewhere down the line, there has to come a point when you let it all go. Understand and move on.

I mean, think about how unthinkable it would seem to show your father/parents/family unconditional love and acceptance at this point. And that's basically what you're asking of them.
Author:  panoramix [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 3:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
hi youngblood. how you doing mate?

when you coming to playa with a question, you gettin a playa answer.

I can understand from where others users are comin from and they earning respect for that.... so dont you guys get personal about it but your guidance only mislead this young playa.

whenever you get tired mr Slim Tee holla at me so I can laid down some game. what I gonna write will boost your confidence, earn respect and authority to positive change your father-son bond. in long-term is win/win situation but you need to put some work.

I dont wanna waste my time speaking when nobody wants to listen so young playa, the choice is yours 8-)

... so young playa what you gonna do :?: :?: :?:

remember, show respect to gain respect and then represent the game 8-)

peace
Author:  Jared [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 8:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
family....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU
Author:  Alchemist [ Wed Jun 17, 2015 1:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Slim Titan wrote:
I know why. It's even in the post.

I never got the recognition I thought I deserved from my father. It's pretty simple. It's just harder dealing with it.

The only thing left to do is neutralize/accept the reality that I didn't get what I needed when I was a child.
I'll share with you my perspective from personal experience.

I'm in the same boat as you dude, my biological father doesn't give a shit, treated me like a worthless piece of shit growing up. Upon reflection the root of my issues always go back to him.

I haven't seen him in over a decade, as it's highly unlikely I'll ever see him again so that conversation will never happen so I have to do it alone. If you expect any remorse or reflection on his part when you pour your heart out you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment.

The damage is done, whatever you were missing from him you'll have to get from yourself.
Author:  Altair [ Sat Jun 20, 2015 12:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
I agree with Alchemist.
Author:  Slim Titan [ Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
I do agree with Alchemist. I don't expect anything.

I've already tried the route of getting what was owed to me emotionally through my mother. It failed.

I plan to have a version 2 talk with them that's just for me. It has more to do with acclimating my mother to the changes that she has seen take place with me because I've been living with her since unplugging myself. For my father, I haven't figured anything out yet. I'll deal with both versions of the talks when I feel I've done enough emotional work that it benefits me at a high level. There is still much work I can do own my own.

The second talks will be solely for my purposes and to square up everything with co-dependency issues.

I thought I updated this.

He called me once to see how I was doing after I called him in April and a second time to let me know some information about one of my nieces who I was close with when I was younger. I'm going to call him for father's day just to shoot the shit. It's an opportunity for him to receive some reciprocation and feel better out himself. It may even give him some encouragement to step up his involvement.
Author:  PimpDee [ Tue Mar 14, 2017 6:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
panoramix wrote:
hi youngblood. how you doing mate?

when you coming to playa with a question, you gettin a playa answer.

I can understand from where others users are comin from and they earning respect for that.... so dont you guys get personal about it but your guidance only mislead this young playa.

whenever you get tired mr Slim Tee holla at me so I can laid down some game. what I gonna write will boost your confidence, earn respect and authority to positive change your father-son bond. in long-term is win/win situation but you need to put some work.

I dont wanna waste my time speaking when nobody wants to listen so young playa, the choice is yours 8-)

... so young playa what you gonna do :?: :?: :?:

remember, show respect to gain respect and then represent the game 8-)

peace
Hello Panoramix, what do you mean by that? PM me if you cannot write here.

Slim, hope you are doing good with your father, I see this post today so I can relate very well as you know.
Quite frankly as you did, I spoked dozen of times to him about issues and other stuff, and I hope is not your case, but no matter how precise you are in the questions the answers are always disappointing (there is no admitting of being wrong). I have a list of disappointing answers if you want to.
"Why you did so and so?" "because I've been working".

Mike Tyson in the docu-film called "undisputed truth" talk about the importance of affection, emotion vs money (if you can find it watch it)...when he was young all he cared where money because in his mind, coming from poverty, lack of money (kinda similar to my father environment), is the 1st thing when he lost all of them, he understood the importance of family, kids and so on later when he lost all of them and had another one family.
Author:  Slim Titan [ Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Family is only as good as the friends they are. You might as well not know most of them.

I don't even believe in religion, but religion admits that friends are more important than family and most friends are fair weather.
Author:  PimpDee [ Wed Mar 15, 2017 9:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
Slim Titan wrote:
Family is only as good as the friends they are. You might as well not know most of them.

I don't even believe in religion, but religion admits that friends are more important than family and most friends are fair weather.
Here is a saying "you cannot choose your parents but you can choose your friends"...maybe we talk the same thing.
Author:  panoramix [ Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I Can't Bring Myself to Talk to My Father
hi PimpDee, how u doing?

U havent write any story we could elaborate or discuss nor mention anythng about your father.

Wonder... did u try to underdtand him, where hes coming from n why hes acting like that. Do the digging...

https://youtu.be/e2pfuSxXaMw
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