Natural Freedom

I know I'm in the late or middle-late staunch phases of my mindset.

I had a conversation with a woman today. I could tell that she wanted to talk to me, but she wanted me to speak first.

In class, she looked straight ahead at me for no less than 10 minutes straight. It's uncharacteristic of her. Where she was sitting was uncharacteristic.

Consequently, I decided that I would speak to her if where she was headed and what she was doing was not too far off from where I was going or what I doing.

She left class in a hurry, but she gave me no less than 3 looks. I got a head start on her, but because of the medications I take she easily passed my pedantic slow shuffle. She looks back after she gets a little bit ahead of me so I decide to follow her because it looks like she's interested in picking up a late lunch too.

I'm right like have been for the last deuce and change years about people's habits and what their going to do. Sometimes it's scary. I thought she might have just went into the building to go to the bathroom as the door slammed when I walked in. Low and behold, I find her in the lower level of the building grabbing lunch.

I make conversation with her, but she seems a little shocked and surprised and doesn't have much to say because I think I caught her off guard. Well, she sits down in a highly visible place and doesn't touch her food. So, I decide to sit down with her and run up the alley.

I couldn't believe how fast she started testing me. I found it entertaining to say the least. I was stumped a few times, but I didn't feel phased by it so it probably showed that I wasn't phased by it if the internal reflects the external.

A guy from our class shows up, and I start talking with him. A couple guys roll through that are obviously interested in her, but she doesn't spend much time talking with them and they leave. However, she decides to just sit there and play with her phone while I'm chatting up the guy.

Earlier she had said something about her room being messy. I think she wanted to plant a seed. I didn't know how to respond so I left it alone. She also said she was tired and didn't want to leave the spot she was in. The ticker tape in my head took her not wanting to leave as her being interested in talking with me. Interestingly, for being tired she answered my questions and spoke to me with a lot of vigor and enthusiasm that I would not expect from someone who stayed up all night.

Anyway, I decide to attempt to get her name. I call her by another woman's name, Karen. I won't say her real name. Any who, she looks at me rolls her eyes and starts packing up her things. I didn't realize it was a power play until I accidentally did something that I learned from the Mask of Zorro. Say one thing and think another. The other guy told me her real name. I told him in a not so quiet voice, when she was walking away, that I almost called her Karen again. She immediately looked back at me with the same look that she had when she was testing me and verbally sparring with me. I told her don't give me that look in a joking voice. I realize now that was she was doing was a power play. She removed herself from the situation to see how I responded.

My question isn't about the woman. I know I made some mistakes. It probably wasn't the smartest idea in the book to call her by another woman's name as a guess instead of asking her her real name, but I didn't want to ask her her name. So, I improvised. I'm always willing to try something new when comes to communicating with people. Funny, the other guy thinks she was offended. I think she was trying to put my balls to fire.

My question is how do I tell when I'm being staunch. I think that with the other things I'm undertaking to improve my mindset that watching over my actions insofar as taking notes on how I'm responding and thinking will help me to gain a better understanding of body awareness.

The whole story is meant as a experiment to verify if I'm being less staunch or not.

Interesting

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

What is she doing?

If she is trying to place a seed, and you give her the space to do so then what?

It is ALWAYS a really bad idea to guess someone's name if you don't know it. I'll just be like " Sorry, I'm really bad with names I forget yours, faces are easy, but I suck at names."

On what level do you decide not to see your staunchness while it's happening? Your holding yourself back somewhere, you should introspect and discover why.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

I let the seed grow.

Believe it or not. I figured it's a bad idea because it comes from a position of weakness. If I want to know someone's name then it means that the person has value to me, but if I don't remember the name then it means that person has power over me because I'm attached to the signifier of the person, the name.

If I guess and don't know the person's name because they haven't told me then they are not interested in me knowing, and I am attached to the idea of person or the actual person in this case rather than the idea in the other case.

I just figured something out. When girls kick that ask me shit they're telling you that you have their permission. They have the power when in reality this is a stupid idea and the exact opposite of what they want and need.

In my experience, girls are really staunch. It's so much my way or the highway shit rather than letting things be.

If I'm mirroring their staunchness then I have to kick that permission shit to myself and to them?

Edit: I don't give myself permission to see my staunchness

Why wouldn't I give myself permission

(rofl) I laughed at myself after I typed that rhetorical question, but it's still a good avenue to persue? How to give permission to myself?

Hmmm... I never thought about this name thing a lot, never gave it much importance...Even in my symp puberty days I often went out with girls and I didn't know their names untill like 4 "dates" or shit and nobody cared.
I think you can easily evade this with nicknames, I use them naturally a lot and never felt bad about not knowing somebody's name (I forogot names after like 2 minutes lol)
Are you mirroring them, or are they mirroring you ?

When you feel it, hence why I say you need to get 'in tune' with yourself. Two things I've learnt;

1) Staunchness can provide a solid foundation for keeping your principles and not accepting bad behaviour from others, but it also causes a person to take themselves and other's too seriously and actually repel people. So I would say it's helpful to a degree. Women are totally underserving of being taken seriously.

2) You can 'watch' yourself all you like, but you'd be in danger of neglecting the present moment and, y'know, actually having fun in life. Again, being hyper self-analytical is beneficial to a degree, but can take you further down the wrong road.

This is just a random opinion: If you're not enjoying it, then you're doing something wrong.

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"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."
- Oscar Wilde

It only comes from a place of weakness because that`s the perspective you look at it from. It just means there`s more inner work to be done so you can let go and be more confident in your own value. At look at it from you should be happy I`m taking the time to pay attention to you...don`t take it for granted though.
Of course they are, everyone is. Shit happens and they cannot let it go so it sticks in their psyche, don`t fight fire with fire in this instance.
It`s a decision your making to not see.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."