I had a post pointed out to me, reading it I wanted to post it here..
Let's point our lens at you and zoom out, then zoom in, then zoom out again, then do a little dance, and see what we can learn about you.
When you're approaching people, you're doing it with the expectation that something will happen. You're "trying to make something happen". I recommend you think a lot about the default state you're in prior to / during the approach, and how you're thinking to change this state.
I'm going to use a word that can have some shame attached to it, but doesn't have to, it can be seen as just a neutral word: manipulation. Manipulation really means originally, etymologically, moving something around with your hands, attempting to change it.
What I think you will find, if you look deeply at yourself, is that your 'default state' with respect to how you view yourself, people in general, your chances with others, how others accept you - your view of all these things has significant negative streaks in it. I don't doubt you can smile and be kind at times, but you are probably carrying a significant burden of toxic beliefs. This for me is confirmed in your last line: "People suck".
This is the state you're attempting to change, using other people as a means of changing how you feel. You are implicitly, and perhaps sub-consciously, saying to them:
Prove to me my beliefs are wrong, let's get a positive social vibe going here! I want things to be fun and social, I want to connect with you!
But your default state is also being broadcast, and it's saying something like:
I don't trust you, I need you to congratulate me, I need you to like me, please prop me up by showing me I have friends.
People are strange beasts. I suspect you caught a mental social virus, that I also caught, that says something along the lines of "dudes who stay at home by themselves and don't have big social circles, really suck as people" - or some variant of that. Part of this subconscious 'default state' that I'm telling you you have, is that you are ashamed of your solitude, your aloneness, your otherness, standing on your own, and just doing dudely batchelory things by yourself.
So you're saying:
I'm ashamed of myself. Please help me fix this. Let's get social.
Well, as I think you're finding out, people rarely have the extra energy to share to help pull you up from your default state, into the higher state you're trying to achieve, by validating you. They sense, instinctively, the energy suck that you are trying to perform, and because they have their own problems, are not able to help you. Doubly so because you are a stranger.
This is why, in a total paradox, a good way to become better at socializing is to spend a good chunk of your early 20s largely alone, pursuing whatever hobbies interest you. Yes, I said it, lock yourself in your apartment and play videogames and watch movies. Gasp! The horror! What a terrible thing to tell someone!!! Everyone please stop reading what I'm saying right now!!! Just get out and CoLd ApPrOaCh YoUr EnTiRe CamPuS BroZ!!!
But I learned to socialize properly by spending years on my own, being anti-social. How did this work? Basically, I learned to like/love myself in my default state, to appreciate myself for all the porn-watching, video-game playing, chinese-food eating craziness that is me. All these things that guys love to hate in themselves, I also wanted to "hate out of existence" or "hate into evolution" - but after a while, it didn't work, so I decided to love myself for these things.
As I did this, my soul became satisfied. I was doing the things I want - without shame - and building a life that, whatever people were in or not in it - was fulfilling to me. Did I want more for myself? Sure. But ultimately, I was learning how to become content.
This gradual filling of my soul up with love for myself, brought me tremendous benefits. Some of the benefits were even spiritual, and not something other people would easily understand. I became closer to the heart of the world. But I'll not get too poetic here, I know we love staying grounded in visible reality, so I'll just say: I became very comfortable with myself.
When my default state improved, through self-love, I found out I could interact while placing less and less burden of expectation onto others. My vibe began to say (and NOT because I was consciously trying to exude this vibe):
I'm really ok if you don't like me. I like my life. I like what I'm about. That is all.
And people can take it or leave it.
That change results in pretty magical effects, the first of which is, I stopped applying subconscious pressure to my interactions to "just get them to work". I also stopped flipping out if things didn't work, saying things like "people suck". They don't suck. Its just, not everybody is meant to be my friend.
This is what it means to fall in love with solitude, and with yourself. The result is, socializing is very easy. I don't need things to work. If I go home to myself, it is a joyous thing. I don't need other people in my life as a shield against my own self-hatred.
Look at yourself in terms of these things and see what you can see. See what your default state is, and what it means to you to come home alone to an empty house - is love or hatred there? What pressure are you putting on others, because you need their approval to be ok with yourself? Asking all these questions and meditating and spending time alone, will move you in the direction that I described. And its not about 'status', in any way, shape, or form. Its about self-love and whether you are peaking your head out of an internal tropical paradise, or reaching out while you hang over an abyss of self-loathing, and asking others to save you from it. Good luck.
It is from reddit, /asktrp/comments/87zjds/approaching_fails_bc_my_social_status_is_too_low/dwhbfif/