I'm starting to get scared.

she has a boyfriend, and I apparently have some hangups around that.

I'll probably get some opportunities. And I'm scared.

Why?
what is it that you feel... what goes through your mind?

Please explain?

Why are you scared?
What does your mind see in the future?
what does your mind see in the past?

..
Separate from the above... I see a number of red flags in your text.

(What opportunities? )
If such a woman is to say yes, I know myself well enough to say no.

It's the kind of fear I have before going on a rollercoaster. I know in my heart of hearts I'll be fine, but this is a particularly scary rollercoaster and I'm scared to even get on it.

I don't enjoy the company of most women enough to make it worth all the hassle.

I'm not sure I can trust my thoughts when I actively think about it. It feels like I'm only trying to come up with reasons, but no one really fits. I think about her rejecting me, others not approving of my advancements towards her, the boyfriend coming to beat me up, etc. All these would suck in their own way, but they don't match with the general feeling in my body.

I have a strong inclination of doing "what's right" and I've learnt that it's wrong to steal someone's girlfriend. This messes with my head, and it also makes me question the evidence I've stacked, because "she isn't single so it can't be true"

But then again, if they didn't match, why are they still together after 7 years? I'm still brainwashed and confused in this area

I don't like texting in general as I said, but I specifically didn't want to text with her because it doesn't feel natural to not be in the same room when communicating at this deep level. It's too emotionally draining.
And it also makes me think of her when there's nothing I can do about it at the moment, instead of getting on with my life

An example:
He arrives for their weekly visit at her house all mad after something happening work, storms in and says

• "Don't talk to me!"

And she just says okay, and walks off to her bedroom to play video games. After six hours he comes by, pouting:

• "I'm only here for today. It's you who always say you want closeness so why didn't you come to me?"

Argument ensues.

So I see a past where I am alone and unseen, and a future where I am understood and accepted on a level I didn't think possible

If such a woman is to say yes, I know myself well enough to say no.

why?

is this one worth the hassle? you dont know yet

the evidence is separate from the other part, imho, they are not tied.

The simple answer... because he offers her value.
she gets value from him, in some way.

hmm

take a step back, take a breath and pause

personally, i would disregard all of this

a lawyer would call it 'heresay' https://www.dictionary.com/browse/hearsay
and so would i...

Heard too many over the years, some were mostly true, most were mostly fantasy twisted to her viewpoint.

there are others out there as well

I would encourage you to explore your feelings and thoughts around this subject, as you say, to learn more about yourself..

I would also refer to Jared's comment earlier this in my mind is an important question to ask yourself...
as you mention above that you have reservations about being 'that' person.

and I could also say, just because something could happen does not mean it has to, or should.

you can say 'i have a headache tonight'

It has a height requirement, in the way that the experience I want requires me to open myself up to someone completely, leaving me vulnerable and exposed. And if I don't, it would definitely not be worth it.
But I've been punished in the past every time I've shown even a small part, so it's an intimidating prospect. I guess I'm putting more at stake, so there's more to "lose." That fear feels closer to home. I suppose I'll find out if I'm someone who enjoys high-stakes gambling

I'll defer to you here. I've too little experience, and one of my faults is applying my own standards of telling the Truth™ onto others. The only thing we know is that she feels the need to bad-mouth him for some reason

Now we're soon going to be living together in the same house with a couple of friends a few days for a friend's birthday party,

I may be wrong, for some reason this brought to mind too fast, too quick.
skipping stages, pacing

and finding out what is on the other end first

why do you have to lay all your cards out at the start...

applying your standards to others is a recipe for misunderstandings imho.

possibly to see how you react?

my focus would be the friends and the party

That's probably where my fear comes in. Go all in immediately so I don't have to keep playing the scary game

In addition to Your guidance, things developed in a way that helped me touch grass, and I feel more indifferent moving forwards

you just passed that big ball of scary to the other person

you know, from memory, the really good horror films had a real slow burn build up... rarely did they go full on into the endgame

Expand and explain... how are you thoughts different now as compared to then..

what did you learn...
what do you want to learn/explore more..

And I was hoping I could get away with it too

Tension and release. I know it from music theory, but I never actually realized it's a universal rule for basically every type of experience.

But you still escalate the action a bit, dropping hints with some intense Jaws music from time to time and then pull back, right? Before finally revealing the shark

Cindy kept telling me how I should save Linda like I had once saved her. (Cindy was single at the time we crossed paths, depressed and broken, and had given up on men forever) She explained how me and Linda were meant for each other. And in the end, I let myself believe that.

But of course, Linda didn't attend the party.

This was Cindy's 30th birthday party, and they hadn't seen each other for 6 months. And Linda chose her boyfriend that she sees all the time over her. I peaked behind the curtain and the magic was gone. I lost all respect for her at that point.

Linda later revealed to us that she sees no friends at all, and is afraid to even go to the store. She never leaves the house, and hasn't had anyone in her life but the boyfriend and her mother for years and years.

She's miserable, and I do feel for her. It sucks to be in that place.

I learned how quickly feelings for someone can shift. I found my way back to indifference. I don't care if I never hear from her again, and I likewise don't mind the occasional text.

And of course, this shift in me made her desperately overwhelm me with messages just like You teach.

Linda is the first person to actively seek my number out and try to get to know me, so I felt obligated to return the favour and put a lot of effort into my texts. This was a mistake, because it wasn't something I really wanted to do.

I also reaffirmed that you truly can't trust what people say with their words. Even those who "never lie" will only tell the truth that they themselves believe. I'm pretty okay at seeing what people's real meanings are in person, but over text I suck. If I'm to hang out with people, I want it to be IRL.

Now that I don't want something from her, I don't feel the need to find the exact right phrase and tone to perfectly convey what I mean, while not being too forward, too backwards, etc. I just say whatever I feel like in the moment, and often don't say anything at all.

This must be the proverbial Space I've heard so much about, because it gets filled every time