I had hoped that this trip could one day been seen as just a glitch. I had no idea how to respond when the trip forced us to be around each other most waking hours and yet she was so distant. I had hoped that I could go back to the way things were when we reached campus because I could easily control my distance and give space. The campus environment made it easy to give space and let her come to me in the beginning.
Throughout the trip I felt knew to give space, I even had a dream of me chasing her into the arms of another man. At the beginning of the week I felt if I just gave her space she would come to me even on the trip and in the end things would be fine. I did not listen well.
She initially described me as strong and mature, but after this trip she described me as clingy. Maybe I was wrong to think that perception could be changed by anything other than a reset, a break-up even.
I'm sitting with this and will continue to sit with this and evaluate our relationship. I've been getting closer to doing it, and may do so tonight. I want to feel that I'm making the right decision.
1) The dream is very telling. Your subconscious mind is actualizing your greatest fear to you and manifesting into your experience bc you can't let go of it. Letting go is the only way to bring your desire into manifestation. What you can't see right now is that this girl is just a idealization of what you want. She represents an ideal but she isn't special, your unwillingness to let go of her actually means you aren't worthy of having her because you feel you have to hold onto her for dear life. You won't allow her(her type of energy is really what you want subconsciously) to come and go freely in reality. Now the game of life is going to show you letting go is the only way. As I already said, the easy way or the hard way, you can choose to let go or you can be brought a crippling amount of suffering until you see that holding on is futile.
2) This is how reality works. You're negotiating with reality via the people around you(energetically)for a "self image" if you will. You want the self image of strong and masculine so you put forth your best effort in being that way early on. It wasn't actually who you were when you started the negotiation but you put on a good act, put a lot of energy into it and even convinced this girl to some small degree that's who you were, and that's her ideal in a man so she immediately started testing for it to make sure it was real. Slowly or perhaps quickly your "strong and masculine" mask was breaking though right before her eyes and to your own dismay. She started making offers to you that your true clingy self couldn't resist. Talk to me everyday on the phone, hang out with me in all your free time, drop your friends for me, give up all your hobbies to spend time with me. And right back to your old clingy/needy way of being you went. A TRUE strong and masculine man would never agree to do any of those things, especially not so early on into a relationship. Those types of things would be very slowly eased into until you were both finally living together and even then she would not occupy all your free time. You're in negotiation at all times with Reality for the person you claim you want to be. Attempting to hold onto this girl is not really holding onto her, it's what she represents, it's an attempt to hold onto to your old Self Image of being clingy/needy. You know deep down if you drop this girl like a bad habit, she's almost assuredly gone for good because she represents exactly that, your bad habit of being clingy and needy. You know what you NEED to do, you know what your ego WANTS to do.
The choice is in your hands....the easy way or the hard way?