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Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me
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Author:  PimpDee [ Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Hello folks,
What I am going to resume is a month-long situation, sorry if this post will be long.
At the end of the summer I met at my beach a 24years old woman tourist who was in my city for a week (she was fresh single). I saw her 4 times. 1st time after the approach I told her my 3 strikes and you are out rule, get to know her a bit and during that time I tought I never see her again. She came the 2nd time on the place we met, we take a walk together but when I was going physical contact holding her hand, she was not receptive, I interpreted as resistance, so I set the date to see her again. 3rd time, she came late, she was giving excuses like I am sorry I am not in the mood, I need a moment to stay alone and meditate, I was cool, calm I did my stuff (reading a book and my notes cause an exam was coming) so after we take a walk together, I show her my city, take something to eat, take pictures of her but no matter how charming, how interesting my conversation was, how I show her my desire, my compliments, my attraction for her (not needy or thirsty), she gave me a hard time during the date (her conversations were boring and about people who did something to her and basically most of that were material or external value), she gave me the excuse "I really enjoyed the time spent with you but" that she is single from couple of days, I am not in the mood today, so I gave up on her...and again in my gut I felt I will never see her again.
A day passed and the next day, the day before she was leaving the country, she came back to see me again at the place we met. I told that "i thought I will not see you again" she answered "I know", I tested her "what about if I wasnt there, what you will do" she was silent "I dont know probably write to you". During this 4th time I said "you know what I wanted but you didnt gave it to me, its cool, its fine, I need to be in contact with you for (work/studying language related reasons). It was fine for her. She was doing most of the talk about what she did in these days, people she met... I said her goodbye she said instead "see you again next summer".

So we kept in contact via whastsupp (actually she lied about not using fb but later after our Skype talk she found me and add me), I saied during our writing to her one time something like a sexual joke and of course she writed "I have better thing to do now" "you are too (this) for me"...

Yeah, I am in the friendzone. Cool.

I move on, she told me about learning in tandem language via skype.
So what I did? I told her rules and codes to follow if we would keep in contact for language learning purpose. (She will learn mine, I hers equally.) She was as meek as a lamb. Actually I saw that her way to talk and write changed.
I was relaxed, we joke a bit, she qualify herself a lot during that skype thing about her family, economic condition and personal stuff like that (things that anyway were red flags for me).
My perplexity is that, during the conversation, she pull out a romantic thing I gave to her and some other topics like seeing and planning to see my city again (and me) and in my gut, immediately I felt warning alarm (She played games with me too much that actually If it wasnt for the learning language reason, I wouldnt want to talk to her anymore).

My question is: should I draw a line in the sand? What you would do in my case? Somebody sayied me "take as a game" but I dont want to be exploited.

Thanks in advance, im waiting for your answers.
Greetings,
PimpDee.

Author:  Jared [ Mon Oct 31, 2016 3:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

(I'd not be in this situation in the 1st place...)

If she keeps turning you down (even though through of your own action)
it's her time to do 100% of the pursuing. Meet new women.

Author:  peregrinus [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

answer me this

Why this woman?

Author:  PimpDee [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 4:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

peregrinus wrote:
answer me this

Why this woman?
I plan to move from my country for working/studying reasons (after finishing my IT degree within a year), the city she stays, the capital of Germany, seems to be the best option in my field to move in...and having somebody that you can help you learn language and explain you (for free) and from that city, I consider it as a big opportunity.
So thats why I choose to still be in contact with her and I have no problem to be "friends".

The question was about the correct attitude to have in my case to not fucked up my goal because she has a piece of pussy.

I know when it comes to women is about power and they are insecure and want attention, and change ideas based on their emotions. At the same time I cant be influence by that, because she is only a woman.

Yesterday we had another lesson and I bet she get that "controlling/jealous attitude" cause I just simply say few words in eastern language to her friend (who was waiting for her), she wanted to know what means these words, it was incredible :lol:

Author:  fufe [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

I Think the question still remains.. Why her, why not anybody else ?

Author:  PimpDee [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

fufe wrote:
I Think the question still remains.. Why her, why not anybody else ?
Because there is, at the moment, nobody else with these characteristics.

Author:  fufe [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

One would think you can meet a lot of people in Berlin..

Author:  PimpDee [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

fufe wrote:
One would think you can meet a lot of people in Berlin..
No doubt about it, but I am still not there.
The difference is that for now I have somebody, a contact, there.

Anyway for the answers you gave me, I think I have to act friendly (not be mad or stuff like that) and lets see her further moves.

Author:  Aragorn [ Wed Nov 02, 2016 8:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Quote:
she was not receptive, I interpreted as resistance
Maybe she felt lukewarm towards you.
Quote:
she was giving excuses like I am sorry I am not in the mood, I need a moment to stay alone and meditate
Or maybe she wasn't in the mood and needed a moment.
Quote:
no matter how charming, how interesting my conversation was, how I show her my desire, my compliments, my attraction for her
No matter how hard you tried to qualify yourself, she could sense you were trying to qualify yourself and not the other way around. Perplexing indeed.
Quote:
She played games with me too much
I think what this interaction boils down to, for you, is being able to accept the fact that she feels lukewarm towards you. That, in and of itself, is a hard pill to swallow, much harder then painting her as a "bitchy girl who doesn't know what she wants but deep down wants you so she's playing games and you just don't have the time for her bullshit, well until the next time you feel her coming on to you".

Can you come to terms with the fact that it's possible she just doesn't feel as strongly attracted to you as you do to her, and that these interactions with stem from that fact? There's a lot of power that comes from being able to accept and feel at peace knowing that some people don't value you too highly. If you're your own best friend though, it doesn't really matter.

Author:  PimpDee [ Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Aragorn wrote:
I think what this interaction boils down to, for you, is being able to accept the fact that she feels lukewarm towards you. That, in and of itself, is a hard pill to swallow, much harder then painting her as a "bitchy girl who doesn't know what she wants but deep down wants you so she's playing games and you just don't have the time for her bullshit, well until the next time you feel her coming on to you".

Can you come to terms with the fact that it's possible she just doesn't feel as strongly attracted to you as you do to her, and that these interactions with stem from that fact? There's a lot of power that comes from being able to accept and feel at peace knowing that some people don't value you too highly. If you're your own best friend though, it doesn't really matter.
Thank you for the answer. My perplexity was that everytime I was "leaving", swallowing that pill you talk about of "she doesnt like you and I have to accept it" (you can see these moments in what I wrote), she came back for my attention. She did the forth time we see each other (and I didnt plane the meeting) and in other occasions (she is a girl with a lot of male friends, cute, that she hang out together and a person who has living her life by a schedule).
That feeling of peace that comes from accepting, is what I really felt few times already with her and now, what I questioned honestly is about how to keep that peace.

Author:  Aragorn [ Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

PimpDee wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
I think what this interaction boils down to, for you, is being able to accept the fact that she feels lukewarm towards you. That, in and of itself, is a hard pill to swallow, much harder then painting her as a "bitchy girl who doesn't know what she wants but deep down wants you so she's playing games and you just don't have the time for her bullshit, well until the next time you feel her coming on to you".

Can you come to terms with the fact that it's possible she just doesn't feel as strongly attracted to you as you do to her, and that these interactions with stem from that fact? There's a lot of power that comes from being able to accept and feel at peace knowing that some people don't value you too highly. If you're your own best friend though, it doesn't really matter.
Thank you for the answer. My perplexity was that everytime I was "leaving", swallowing that pill you talk about of "she doesnt like you and I have to accept it" (you can see these moments in what I wrote), she came back for my attention. She did the forth time we see each other (and I didnt plane the meeting) and in other occasions (she is a girl with a lot of male friends, cute, that she hang out together and a person who has living her life by a schedule).
That feeling of peace that comes from accepting, is what I really felt few times already with her and now, what I questioned honestly is about how to keep that peace.
Yeah, I totally get it. A lot of unanswered desires seem to be really close to being met and you sort of stick your hand out to get it. And then you pull it back when it comes back empty, thinking "Well fuck it, I don't need it anyway".

If you honestly believe you don't need it, there'd be no harm in not having it every once in a while. If that means reaching out to get it and coming up empty (because you know that sometimes you do have to reach out to some extent to get what's there). Or just not reaching out and chilling, not having what you don't need (so not really having a desire to fill a nonexistent need, or feel a need to base an identity around not feeding an "unneeded desire" by flexing your ego about how powerful you are for resisting what you say you don't really need...you don't feel more spiritually evolved or more socially powerful for not having fish when you're in the mood for chicken).

And doesn't mean not enjoying the moment when you do have it. I think when I dropped my guilt of having or being close to getting women, because I should be focusing on myself or being independent or whatever, was when I accepted that it's a great thing to have. Don't know if that applies to you, not saying it does, but just sharing that experience if it's helpful.

Author:  Flow83 [ Fri Nov 04, 2016 3:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Become more interested in how you are reacting than how she is reacting.

Author:  Slim Titan [ Sat Nov 05, 2016 12:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Flow83 wrote:
Become more interested in how you are reacting than how she is reacting.
I agree with this. Relax.

You're also not in the friendzone. You're not friends. It would do you some good to go to places in your element for whatever you like and see how you react to women in places where you feel safest and are least focused on them.

For me, I really like anime conventions. I feel my best being around the things I love with people who share similar interests. Women are not a factor.

Maybe also try being around a few men you are close friends with who are genuine friends. Friends who will tell you when you're over reacting. Calibrating your senses takes work and social aptitude, both of which you can fulfill.

Author:  PimpDee [ Sat Nov 05, 2016 12:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Flow83 wrote:
Become more interested in how you are reacting than how she is reacting.
Basically hunt for these feelings/emotions (in reaction and unpleasant), so you discipline yourself by for example reverse them and cancel them.
Aragorn wrote:
Yeah, I totally get it. A lot of unanswered desires seem to be really close to being met and you sort of stick your hand out to get it. And then you pull it back when it comes back empty, thinking "Well fuck it, I don't need it anyway".

If you honestly believe you don't need it, there'd be no harm in not having it every once in a while. If that means reaching out to get it and coming up empty (because you know that sometimes you do have to reach out to some extent to get what's there). Or just not reaching out and chilling, not having what you don't need (so not really having a desire to fill a nonexistent need, or feel a need to base an identity around not feeding an "unneeded desire" by flexing your ego about how powerful you are for resisting what you say you don't really need...you don't feel more spiritually evolved or more socially powerful for not having fish when you're in the mood for chicken).

And doesn't mean not enjoying the moment when you do have it. I think when I dropped my guilt of having or being close to getting women, because I should be focusing on myself or being independent or whatever, was when I accepted that it's a great thing to have. Don't know if that applies to you, not saying it does, but just sharing that experience if it's helpful.

Thank you for sharing it. You were deep. When it comes to feelings, sensations, the only thing that now I could compare is when you were a smoker(old behaviour and mindset): you stop smoking because its not good (new behaviour and building a new mindset), you know it, you remember that but everytime you see somebody light a cigarette, you smell in the air the cigarette or when you are doing something some memories comesback (imprinting). You now are dealing with an unpleasant feeling (old mindset, old behaviour try to hunt you down) and the only tool to fight back (I know), so you can overturn and cancel it, is to ask myself why I have in the mind that feeling and I give myself explanation and solution. So that unpleasant feeling is cancel and the calm comes back.
Slim Titan wrote:
I agree with this. Relax.

You're also not in the friendzone. You're not friends. It would do you some good to go to places in your element for whatever you like and see how you react to women in places where you feel safest and are least focused on them.

For me, I really like anime conventions. I feel my best being around the things I love with people who share similar interests. Women are not a factor.

Maybe also try being around a few men you are close friends with who are genuine friends. Friends who will tell you when you're over reacting. Calibrating your senses takes work and social aptitude, both of which you can fulfill.
Thank you Slim for your suggestion.
Actually is not so important the term friendzone or whatever, is another word, in my point of view that explain something: Power in a relationship. Let me elaborate it, because this is something that I told about it with an old lady (the game is always the same)...yeah she told me that I am too sensitive about the whole situation, to take it like a game but she, when I told her the situation the first time (she is helping me out learning German but she is not so good, I help her out learning English) she said "what I am going to say is against my gender because it piss me off when a guy is treating nicely a woman, and she is using him...put your rules, make her stick to them, dont be used...if she doesnt like it, tell her to fuck off".
You see, I`m developing the flair when something is going on, but still i am slow to check it right away or maybe I should say be more ruthless.
We are living in a women`s world and she is a woman, she did, she is doing and she will do things to be the upper part of the hand and have control for her agenda...that basically is: I have the pussy, I look cute, I have ton of attention because I have many males around, let me choose who I can manipulate for time, attention, chaffeur, food, emotional tampon, ect ect...without bringing something to the table.
Being relax is okay, cool but at the same time being aware of whats going on is better, because, for what I wrote few lines before, in a moment you can became her bitch, you know what I am saying?
This thing could happen even at workplace, school class whatever really a woman should have so much power to make you stop working/studyinhg with her or make you change your workplace/class? I dont think so.

Anyway lucky for me, I meet new women everyday.

Author:  The Kidd!! [ Sun Nov 06, 2016 4:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

This woman is a complete waste of your time. You've been dancing to her tune the whole time...what incentive does she have to change? Reading this made me sleepy. :|

Author:  Slim Titan [ Tue Nov 08, 2016 4:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

I like that you're learning English man. Kudos. I don't know multiple languages. I do think you're glossing over the plain English that I said things in. I fixed all of my words to be more direct since you are learning English.
PimpDee wrote:
Flow83 wrote:
Become more interested in how you are reacting than how she is reacting.
Basically hunt for these feelings/emotions (in reaction and unpleasant), so you discipline yourself by for example reverse them and cancel them.
Slim Titan wrote:
No. It's not about that all. :| you're trying though. I know I wasn't even trying to hear this mess when I first started. :lol: Read this part with my fix.
Slim Titan wrote:
I agree with this. Relax because you wouldn't get excited over warm ice cream or a cold pie.
Actually is not so important the term friendzone or whatever, is another word, in my point of view that explain something: Power in a relationship.
Slim Titan wrote:
You're also not in the friendzone. You're not friends because there is no relationship. She doesn't respect, value, or admire you. She is used to you. She is cool with you. You can rule with fear or the discerning taste of admiration and respect. I like women to like doing things my way. Consequently, I stay away from trying to rule over people who DON'T LIKE me.
Being relax is okay, cool but at the same time being aware of whats going on is better, because, for what I wrote few lines before, in a moment you can became her bitch, you know what I am saying?
Slim Titan wrote:
Calibrating your GUT takes work, LOGIC, and OBSERVATION, which you can fulfill.
Slim Titan wrote:
Do you know what I am saying now?
This thing could happen even at workplace, school class whatever really a woman should have so much power to make you stop working/studyinhg with her or make you change your workplace/class? I dont think so.
Slim Titan wrote:
It did happen to you and that's why I painstakingly summed up the long post I was going to write into a few small additions since you're learning English.
Anyway lucky for me, I meet new women everyday.
Slim Titan wrote:
For me, I really like anime conventions. I feel my best being around the things I love with people who share similar interests. Women are not a factor because I enjoy myself for being myself.

Maybe also try being around a few men you are close friends with who are genuine friends. Friends who will tell you when you're over reacting because you don't need to be around women. You need to either be alone or in the company of those who will help you express yourself honestly and to fullest capacity. Those who will help you find yourself.
[/quote]

The reason why I redid my post is because you're missing the practical solution. It could be a language barrier. Take the time to reread my original post with more thought now that you can be sure we're on the same page.

Author:  peregrinus [ Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

You are letting her lead

Author:  PimpDee [ Sat Nov 12, 2016 11:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Dear fellas, dear slim titan (thank you for your kudos actually this would be my 6th language).

It took few days to swallow this thruth, I mean logically and understand why I had in the gut that unpleasant sensation/emotion. We are nothing (actually you, Slim Titan, were the second person that said that the day when you answered me, this is an incredible coincidence).

She doesn`t like me, she doesn`t respect me...and she manipulated me because when I was going to take the L, she "came back" with crumbs of attention and other sweet BS.

I`m her time ho as Patrice O'Neal would say.

So I`m going to take the L, without overreaction/emotion and kick her to the curb.

Thank you again fellas for all the answers.
Happy weekend,

PimpDee.

Author:  Flow83 [ Sat Nov 12, 2016 2:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Get more out of this.

Explore what was blinding you to seeing the situation clearly.
It's not just "she is attractive." There is an emotional thing going on inside of you, that she activated.
You want to be able to picture her and this situation and have no emotional charge around it, to see it with clarity. It will happen again if not addressed.

Why did you feel so much drive to turn the situation around with her. What was it to prove about yourself? That you were powerful (which means you feel un-powerful)? That you were good at 'the game?' The game in this story means chasing, changing a woman who is not interested in you hoping to turn her interested in you. This is a losing game- but many guys are deeply attached to it and see every piece of advice as how to play this losing game better. They try to turn inner-states into outer-techniques to control situations, instead of cultivating inner-states that create positive situations.

Otherwise, you will draw more women like this into your life, simply to exercise the power of saying no to the situation. To prove to yourself that you're not the type of guy who will be manipulated. But what you really want is inner peace, and women who actually like you.

Author:  PimpDee [ Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Friendzone-perplex: a woman is using me

Flow83 wrote:
Get more out of this.

Explore what was blinding you to seeing the situation clearly. It's not just "she is attractive." There is an emotional thing going on inside of you, that she activated. You want to be able to picture her and this situation and have no emotional charge around it, to see it with clarity. It will happen again if not addressed.

Why did you feel so much drive to turn the situation around with her. What was it to prove about yourself? That you were powerful (which means you feel un-powerful)? That you were good at 'the game?' The game in this story means chasing, changing a woman who is not interested in you hoping to turn her interested in you. This is a losing game- but many guys are deeply attached to it and see every piece of advice as how to play this losing game better. They try to turn inner-states into outer-techniques to control situations, instead of cultivating inner-states that create positive situations.

Otherwise, you will draw more women like this into your life, simply to exercise the power of saying no to the situation. To prove to yourself that you're not the type of guy who will be manipulated. But what you really want is inner peace, and women who actually like you.
Hi, to be honest with you there is a mix of things.
At that time I was focused to an exam for uni and actually I thought most of the time, every time we saw each other, that it will be the last, actually I told her about it one time and she answered me "i know that" and to justify myself: In my mind she ways cooler than me or I should say Im not the kind of guy she would be with.
For what I mean she has ton of friends (male), work, travels done, Independence, the city she is living...instead of me, loner, no job at the moment, at my parents, who enjoy being alone, minimalist, nature, sports, walking, interesting conversations...(If I could describe myself with an actor, being misterious, im similar to benicio del toro). I hide it but i guess in our conversation maybe she see that cause I was kinda honest with the economic situation here, what I enjoy to do and my future plans of leaving the country.
Another thing, but I put in her insecurities, The way she ways talking about "what this/that person did to/for her", well, I didnt understand why she talked about that.
The other thing was, when I got to know her, her kinda bad situation she talking about that make me feel uncomfortable (about why she ways there, left a boyfriend who was controlling, mentally instable, always at pc, he didnt want some her male friends, or to go out too much with her or that she should not this or that, caming from a divorced family...for what she said to me about) and this umcomfort feeling brought me back in memories the unpleasant feeling I had for the end of the relationship with my ex girlfriend that I had few years ago, physically speaking they are similar too (blue eyes, simple kinda dress style, few days different but the same sign of scorpio).
I really like simple style girls, she is not hot but her body language was kinda shy...I liked her.
The chase started when I was stopping to think about fucking her /to create the situation for doing so, a bit because I was focused on my exam and a bit because I remember I told her "its too bad that I cant come to your home and have a dinner together" and her answer was kinda like that "yeah...long pause...but im here in vacations, i cant be at home, when I am at my home I can stay at evening..ecc ecc"... and my attitude changed too because I wasnt thinking about fucking her like I sayied before, I remember I was more comfortable, more spontaneous and she was responding good...or because she is a sly one/goody-goody (like the ex I was talking about).

So yeah I did a half ass job and i get half ass result. Lame, I failed at taking the lead, I`ve should sayied no and stand up for myself in the times I felt in my gut she was testing me/taking me for granted, so I wouldnt become her time ho.

I guess this experience left me some kind of imprinting because yesterday I was going on my favourite spot to be alone, listening to music,enjoying the sun and i saw a girl who was just like her...and In my gut/radar feeling immediately I felt a unpleasant/surprised sensations (I swear I thought "she is here"). I didnt talk to this girl even she kinda look at me couple of times or maybe she did cause of my goofy expression of my face I had.

Ps:Let me tell you i spent for that girl 4€ coffe, a pizza slice, i took her to the places I wanted to share with her, but i know that the fellas she was going out in the evening spent more and more money for her company (pizza, cinema, gas for the car).

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