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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 7:41 pm 
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I know this very good looking girl that always captivated my interest.

The other day I went to the shop where I was expecting I could meet her "by accident" and I did. We started a casual conversation and in the end, I asked she is was willing to meet for a drink. She suggested going kayaking with her sister and her husband ( I took that couple kayaking last year and they loved it) instead. I told her I will need her number so I can set it up with her. She told me I can set it up through her family but in the end RELUCTANTLY, she gave it up. That was at her work and her coworker girls were almost giggling. There was a lot of tension in this situation.

Today, I called her to set it up. I don´t know if she has my number. She picks up and I try to set it for the next weekend but it is hard to make it work for all of us. It comes up that I am interested in her. She sounds like she had no clue about it but I have a hard time believing it.
She clearly says that between me and her alone there is NO chance for anything but this kayaking idea she really likes. She emphasizes that I shouldn´t get any hopes raised because she really is not interested in anything beyond that.

My response is: I have to withdraw my offer then, cause making friends is not my intention. I can´t spend my time doing things you want if what I want, you deem impossible. I really appreciate you being clear about this and I wish you a good day" (translation not exact so maybe I conveyed a different message but I communicate with her in my 3rd language so not the easiest to transpose and communicate)

One hour later I received a message she mistakenly sent to me but was meant to reach her sis (in Ukranian so very different alphabet): We don´t go kayaking anymore.

Even though I was turned down I was not feeling bad about myself. I felt like I respected myself. This girl does tick a lot of my boxes. I find her very attractive ( she is fucking gorgeous), I know her family ( I worked with her mom, sister and now I am working with her brother in law) so I know a fair bit of her background. I have never seen her with a guy. Like never

I am just curious what experienced people would say about this interaction.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 8:32 pm 
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viewtopic.php?f=18&t=3490&p=34430

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 9:23 pm 
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Seems to me she enjoyed playing flirting and playing around. Don't take what women say too seriously (as many here have emphasized).

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:31 pm 
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Aragorn wrote:
Don't take what women say too seriously


I don´t 8-)

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:41 pm 
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You have already chosen her.

She knows this.

She also repeated her objections multiple times, in what you said, possibly more.

Rider wrote:
I have never seen her with a guy. Like never

And this has relevance how?

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 12:28 am 
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peregrinus wrote:
You have already chosen her.

She knows this.

She also repeated her objections multiple times, in what you said, possibly more.


I have been getting some subconscious signs of her choosing as well. I probably wouldn´t be engaging her otherwise.

Good eye contact, eyeing me when I was passing by the shop she used to work in nearby. Once after a long time of not seeing me, I parked my bike in front of neighbours shop and after I finished shopping she walked out to greet me and talked to me for quite a while.
Another time when I was passing by and she saw another girl with me on the bike, her face was a mix of :shock: :x (mind you I was still in a relationship with my wife)
I have few reasons to think she is choosing, but the evidence is not very strong.

I have chosen her, yes, but I am not willing to go for just any price and I tried to convey that in my message to her. Call me staunch but I decided I am not willing to spend any time with her if she openly gives no chance of anything coming out of it in future.
After a couple of minutes, I wasn´t even thinking about this interaction. I have never made a move like that before. It´s all a bit of experiment for me. I enjoyed playing this. I have been doing a lot of work on letting go lately.

Update:
Two hours after she sent me the mistaken text, I get another message:
Her: Hi, Rider. I prefer to be straight up front to do not lead you on. All the best

Me: :)
A few seconds after
Me: Let me know if you change your mind.

Again, my thinking is why would she even bother to send me this last message. I really liked that message by the way. She seems like a nice person or tries to make that kind of impression on me.

As things are now I am really willing to completely let go any idea of anything happening with this chick. I feel like it´s... HER LOSS.

She has my phone number, she knows my stance. If she ever gets back to me I will post it here. If she doesn´t no big deal.

peregrinus wrote:
Rider wrote:
I have never seen her with a guy. Like never

And this has relevance how?


I don´t know. It´s definitely an observation. She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 5:47 am 
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Rider wrote:
I have been doing a lot of work on letting go lately.


--

Quote:
Again, my thinking is why would she even bother to send me this last message. I really liked that message by the way. She seems like a nice person or tries to make that kind of impression on me.

As things are now I am really willing to completely let go any idea of anything happening with this chick. I feel like it´s... HER LOSS.



peregrinus wrote:
Rider wrote:
I have never seen her with a guy. Like never

And this has relevance how?


Quote:
I don´t know. It´s definitely an observation. She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN


Lot more to work with here. Big signposts to your whole paradigm.

From what you've described, the story seems interesting and nuanced because of the goggles you are viewing it through vs. what is actually there.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 6:51 am 
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Flow83 wrote:

Quote:
I don´t know. It´s definitely an observation. She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN


Lot more to work with here. Big signposts to your whole paradigm.

From what you've described, the story seems interesting and nuanced because of the goggles you are viewing it through vs. what is actually there.


Quote:
The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!)
but “That’s funny …”

— Isaac Asimov


Enlightened vs enlightening

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 10:46 am 
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Rider wrote:
peregrinus wrote:
Rider wrote:
I have never seen her with a guy. Like never
And this has relevance how?
I don´t know. It´s definitely an observation. She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN

Following....

maybe she does and has and does it in private, away from the eyes of the public,

maybe she is a complete freak in the bedroom and hides it really well,

maybe you are correct.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 3:46 pm 
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Rider wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
Don't take what women say too seriously


I don´t 8-)


No? So why start a topic designed at getting other people do decipher what a girl has been saying to you and hoping to find out what it "really" means?

Quote:
She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN


Oh come on, only 4 limiting beliefs from that observation? I'm sure you could do better if you gave it some more thought.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 11:48 pm 
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Aragorn wrote:
Rider wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
Don't take what women say too seriously


I don´t 8-)


No? So why start a topic designed at getting other people do decipher what a girl has been saying to you and hoping to find out what it "really" means?

Quote:
She might be one of those persons that are just not at all interested in being with other people, maybe she completely unavailable for anyone, maybe has outrageous standards, maybe she thinks all men want from her is sex, MAYBE SHE NEVER MET A REAL MEN


Oh come on, only 4 limiting beliefs from that observation? I'm sure you could do better if you gave it some more thought.


I sense irritation. I appreciate the answer you gave me but I don´t take what women say too seriously. It´s a fact. I started the thread to get some feedback about my part in this interaction, general dynamic of it and gain some material for insight.
I feel like I was not making much progress and believe that posting more will help me see those blind spots of mine better. I really want to put some work in myself.

And thank you for pointing to me that all I wrote in answer to ´Grinus´s question are limiting beliefs. There was more, believe me, and I knew they were concepts but you helped me seeing that they are limiting concepts. Thank you.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2016 9:52 am 
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Rider wrote:
I sense irritation. I appreciate the answer you gave me but I don´t take what women say too seriously. It´s a fact. I started the thread to get some feedback about my part in this interaction, general dynamic of it and gain some material for insight.
I feel like I was not making much progress and believe that posting more will help me see those blind spots of mine better. I really want to put some work in myself.

And thank you for pointing to me that all I wrote in answer to ´Grinus´s question are limiting beliefs. There was more, believe me, and I knew they were concepts but you helped me seeing that they are limiting concepts. Thank you.


No, no irritation whatsoever. Just wanted to point out that dwelling on what this girl is saying is, to me, a waste of time. You made it known you're interested (and guys here have pointed out the buyer/seller dynamic), what else is there to do?

Had you not taken what she said seriously, I think you would have simply moved on with your life and not gave it any more thought, instead of subconsciously hoping her disinterest was a mask. I could be wrong, but that's the sense I'm getting here, so I wanted to point it out. And if I'm wrong - great! Means you've made even more progress.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:03 am 
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Rider wrote:
MAYBE SHE NEVER MEAT A REAL MEN


What are the qualities and behaviors of a 'real man'?

Is the way you are interacting here in alignment with that?

Your paradigm about this sets the stage. You'll see anything moving towards this ideal as progress, and progress is possible in any game including a losing one. This is why getting to your honest answers is very important.



Rider wrote:
As things are now I am really willing to completely let go any idea of anything happening with this chick. I feel like it´s... HER LOSS.


A woman does not lose anything by not getting together with a man she is not interested in.

If you can be fine with this, without the need for reframing gymnastics, you'll see quite a few layers of noise fade away.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:29 pm 
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After some probing into myself I realized, have I been completely ok with what she said I would not have canceled the kayaking.
I´ve done it, to prove to her that she is turning down an assertive man. Why did I feel the need to prove to her anything, I ask myself? So yeah, I must have taken seriously what she said.
If I was completely indifferent I would have gone with it and she would be gobsmacked with how much fun she would have. The cliffs are full of caves and are simply amazing and I know how to have a good time.
After tasting some of that, then she could start rethinking. After all, she would have by then have enough idea of my interest without me saying that I am not intending to make friends with her, yet again.

There would be one more move to play out which could possibly lead to another one. I didn´t allow it.
I wish there was a way of turning it around.
Now again, I have to be ok with the consequences of my choices. hmm...

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 2:02 pm 
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All the focus in what women should be pleased with in a man
vs
what they're actually pleased with in a man...

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 2:43 pm 
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Jared wrote:
All the focus in what women should be pleased with in a man
vs
what they're actually pleased with in a man...


Brilliant. That is exactly what is happening here.

You are analyzing micro details about the interaction instead of the nature of the entire interaction itself, and why you are engaging in it.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 3:30 pm 
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Jared wrote:
All the focus in what women should be pleased with in a man
vs
what they're actually pleased with in a man...

What man should be pleased with in a woman

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 4:20 pm 
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peregrinus wrote:
What man should be pleased with in a woman


Healthy social, mental and physical pleasures are ok,
being enslaved by gratification through them is a different beast. ;)

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