Whew, acted hella bitch made
Well, the relationship with the girl pretty much ended. I fucked up. She dumped me after various tumultuous periods in our relationship, after I pretty much agreed to a fwb situation (basically following her contract again) after bringing up I wanted to have a non-monogamous relationship for like the third time. She pretty much checked out soon after that but I wasn't paying attention. Eventually she met someone and is starting now to see where it goes. I pretty much found myself where she was at the start of the relationship, in a I care more mode where I wanted her back but she wasn't having it. She was distant, not responding to messages no longer caring or interested with her new option.
Here's some of our last few messages:
F: Hey still kinda hurt form yesterday. I still would like to call you my girlfriend at least in cetian circumstances..
F: I don't understand why we cant be in a long term relationship until you found someone.
G: That's absolutely understandable, but I honestly think putting a label on something will only make it harder to let go. I remember what you said about growing distant over time. I can promise you I wil never intentionally let someone walk away from me unless they have only ever cause me pain. so as long as you continue to keep in touch we'll still be talking on our deathbeds.
G: Whether you choose to believe this or not, I truly gave our relationship every chance I could get my hand on before I bean to mentally pack my bags. I tried oh so very hard to keep us going and to be positive, hoping it would start to get better and feel...but it only hurt more realizing we are forcing a cube piece into a sphere slot. I dont want to lose you either but I need to have some peace by ending us on this complicated level so we can grow better and together as close friends.
F: This hurts in a way I can't describe...
G: ...I know and I absolutely hat that I'm causing such pain to you...but I've been in pain for a while too... and while I honestly have enjoyed all of our time together, Intimate or not, I don't think we were meant to be what we tried to force ourselves into. I can't fucking stress enough that I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to (be) here for you regardless of the paths we each take. I don't know anyone like I know you.. I'm going t keep reading every word you write, I'm going to hug til my arms are numb when you need it, I'm still here for you. Though I know it wont feel exactly the same, I'm still here for you...
G: If you need time to process or just think I understand completely. Let me know when you need anything.
F:It's fine. I think I think I should have just loved you and kept my mouth shut. I'm here for you even emotionally if you feel like opening back up. Maybe one day we'll be closer again. What's your schedule like tomorrow and thurs?
G: You did and if you if you "kept your mouth shut" I doubt I would understand you and appreciate you on the level that I do. I'm not exactly sure, I have to go see my ----- and do some running around. If I get done early in the day I;ll let you know first thing, okay?
She didn't let me know. She was too preoccupied with errands and going back to the place where she had her first date with someone else, to re plan the route or something, she said. Her phone WAS on silent so she didn't get calls from anyone but still I was in pure chaser mode trying to grasp on to something slipping through my fingers. I pretty waited for her at her place like a stalker, not being able to sit with myself in the axietly. We talked about the date, how she enjoyed it how they vibed better and I was pretty much acting insecure the whole time we spend in bed, hurt by the lack of attention, how see didn't seem to care in more just texting the new guy on her phone or just websurfing. I missed how affectionate she he was, the love she didn't feel like giving anymore, she used to be up under me all the time. We joked and laughed about the relationship and fucked she suggesting it would probably be the last time as if she works out with the other guy she can't have sex with me. Still touch but no sex. I asked her something about the sex we had and I think she mentioned though she cums all the time it doesn't feel like it did beginning of the relationship for a while and I was like that's due to your mindset now. She was like yeah pretty much.
She refused to restart the relationship as she really likes the new guy and being distant over the past month to few weeks, had time to think about the negatives in our relationship and circular arguments of what we both wanted but didn't want to give the other. We couldn't compromise, it dragged out. We hung out the next day but again she was distant,being needy instead of chilling, I asked all types of questions of why? our relationship, and the new person. She was okay with it to give me closure, she really felt nothing. She said sadness but it seem like she was resigned. I told her I lost her and she looked at me like I was dumb. "I just fed you," she said. She would not be readily available like before, she wouldn't chase me like before, but she would support me emotionally. She was adamant that I still had a place in her life just not what I wanted. I asked if she still loved me, she said she had love for me but it wasn't the same. If asked if we could get back to that point, but said it would never go up to were it was. We talked about mistakes, I mentioned what I could do better and she said I can do it for the next girl. She pretty much told me to be honest
at the start, and that pretty much wraps it up full circle.
I didn't finish how I started. I accepted her contract at the beginning without really putting my foot down and when I did her dirty and stepped out/presue other girls she felt like I basically betrayed her basically not following the contract I accepted. I suggested threesomes, for her to fuck other people anything to keep myself from feeling trapped but she was excruciatingly hurt by that. She still stayed. We had talks about breaking up a couple of times, I didn't want to do it out of fear and attachment but I had planted that seed in her head as she felt she wasn't enough, that she was com petting in the relationship. Agreeing to the fwb scenario pretty much absolved her of guilt to find something different. She had already cried her heart out, those times. She had no more tears to give. She mentioned her only regret was not ending it sooner when I revealed to her some of my insecurities (another mistake) about not having a lot of partners. She told me I didn't know what I want, that I was looking at the past instead of forward trying to fix it and I should let it go
. She said now I was doing the same thing with her and our relationship... frustrating. I was still hoping there was something there. I asked if we could get back together if things didn't work out she said she didn't know. I wasn't the lover I presented myself to be, what we agreed on by implication. On top of that I spent to much time up under her and though she complained about not revealing my truth self, always holding in my feelings and thoughts on things but still I think the reason she had an issue with it was because my internal frustration about the situation was on full display. She complained about me always being to busy for her and not sharing while we were together but if my internals were correct, I doubt that would have been a problem. I would have probably talked more too, as she said I cared to much about what people think. She mentioned that the other guy would keep the conversation going even if he said something stupid not caring about judgement, he would give her attention and not wait hours between texts. But again I don't think the attention was the problem if my mind was right. However, she did say she was tired of feeling anxious all the time.
I hate it. I may still be able to have sex with her for the time being but that's not what want, I want her mind back. She suggested not hanging out for a month or two, saying I would have build resentment toward her and relationships in general. I was like WOW. I don't feel like dating or fucking at all right now, I feel like I could be satisfied just jerking off forever.
She said we can still text but probably best to not contact her. She mentioned in conversation she would reach out if she didn't hear from me.. but we'll see.