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 Post subject: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 1:27 am 
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Posts: 66
Thanksgiving Debrief.

Alright, this is attempt number two at this, a word of warning, write longer posts on a notepad or something and then paste to the forum. I got fucking LOGGED OFF while typing and lost a lengthy post in the process. Fucking IRRITATING.

That off my chest, here we go. Some of you remember my other post regarding that chick I got so undone over.... lot of personal analysis has resulted from that experience, and your perspectives were really helpful. I am working on the personnal issues that result in such bullshit attachments like I had. Meanwhile, the same chick told me she needed a "plus-one" to her turkey-day event. This is with family members, and their families. I thought it over for a day then said yes. What have I got to lose?

I got along with her family well, dad especially, which was easy because, like her, he's an outoging person and we share a lot of interests. Fairly early on during the day she announced to me, and the rest of them, that she needed to get back and let out the dog. I was driving, and its about a 35-minute voyage. So, to be comfortable, I hit the head before we departed back to our side of town. During the trip I even mentioned having used the facility before driving ... it came up in coversation and was totally appropriate to that moment.

Anyway, we get back to her place and she invited me in. Said something like "didn't you have to use the washroom or something?" Now, this is odd because she knew I already had. Was she making an excuse to invite me in, or did she just forget? I said that I was fine ... but went in with her anyway. She offered me a drink. I asked "sure, what do you got?" She mentioned she had some wine, so I accepted. I opened up the bottle, poured the wine and we took a couple sips. We stood around and had a few words, she delt with the dog, etc. At some point she mentioned the wine was getting to her. Then, I actually did have to visit the head, which I did.

When I got back she was in front of the TV, watching the game we had just put on. But rather than sitting one of the 2 super overstuffed and comfy easy chairs (no other furniture), she's sitting on the carpet, in front of the coffee table. I was curious as to why, she has a really temperamental house mate, so I figured he had some kind of problem with people sitting in the chairs, as unreasonable as that sounds.

I sat down there as well, not super close, just kept it casual. I wanted to just be real nonchalant and stay observant. We chatted for a while and then stepped out for a smoke (she smoked, not me). When we went back in I sat back down on the carpet first. She sat in the same spot as before, no closer. I was looking for any sign of interest from her but really didn't catch anything.

After the game we moved to the dining table. There, the conversation got better, more lively, more laughter, more in the flow. She was a bit 'touchy' in the casual way that occurs in conversation. Eventually we took the dog out for a walk and wrapped it up. She said she had some work to do, which in her case is somewhat believable, so we adjourned for the evening and I drove home.

I had no real expectations for the day at all. Never thought we'd hang out after dinner, but since I really didn't see any distinct signs of interest was not too encouraged by the whole thing. I dig this lady, as I have said, and am pretty much in my head still about her, so I don't trust much of my own analysis. At the very least I didn't do anything stupid, and there will always be more bottles of wind to share.

I realize this is not a fascinating post, but I cannot and will not make the mistake (again) of beiong open with her about what's up with us, so I have to be covert about it.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 2:38 am 
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Yudansha wrote:
Anyway, we get back to her place and she invited me in. Said something like "didn't you have to use the washroom or something?" Now, this is odd because she knew I already had. Was she making an excuse to invite me in, or did she just forget?
Don't forget women are good actors she probably twisted it to her convenience as an excuse to invite you in.
Yudansha wrote:
I opened up the bottle, poured the wine and we took a couple sips. We stood around and had a few words, she delt with the dog, etc. At some point she mentioned the wine was getting to her
Women don't want to be responsible for what would take place between you 2 she was using the wine as the excuse if something were to go down.
Yudansha wrote:
I sat down there as well, not super close, just kept it casual. I wanted to just be real nonchalant and stay observant. We chatted for a while and then stepped out for a smoke (she smoked, not me). When we went back in I sat back down on the carpet first. She sat in the same spot as before, no closer. I was looking for any sign of interest from her but really didn't catch anything
.

You should've tested the waters and gauge her reaction by coming up with excuses to touch her face like faking picking something off her hair or face, I use this a lot to tell me if she's ready or not it works wonders. :mrgreen:

_________________
~There's weakness in the hearts of all humans are you afraid to acknowledge yours... ~
Mr. Todo


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 5:38 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2013 4:31 am
Posts: 66
Quote:
You should've tested the waters and gauge her reaction by coming up with excuses to touch her face like faking picking something off her hair or face, I use this a lot to tell me if she's ready or not it works wonders. :mrgreen:
I have had girls do that to me! Its brilliant, I think it could be worked in if we were little closer in terms of proximity. I will have to see about trying it. It will come off as a deliberate flirt, but perhaps that is ok.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 8:48 am 
Quote:
I was looking for any sign of interest from her but really didn't catch anything.
Resonance came with a practical answer to this. :mrgreen:

Why were you looking for signs of interest?

Hint: this is not meant to lead you in any direction if that helps at all because I'm asking just as much for you as me.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 10:54 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2013 4:31 am
Posts: 66
Quote:
Why were you looking for signs of interest?
The whole history can be read in my other thread...short version I got pretty invested in her. The really shitty and painful part was all past tense emotional crap intertwined with memories of her from what seems like a previous lifetime. I am way better off than I was, but still just plain really dig this chick. A great deal of what's going on in my head comes from a strong attraction to her and desire to have her. I don't want my actions to reveal that, however. But I realize my judgement may be way off, so I want to see some definite sign of attraction from her. A subtle green light, if you will.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sun Dec 01, 2013 6:25 pm 
I read your original post about her.

See if you can shorten your response to my question. There is so much thought.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:47 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2013 4:31 am
Posts: 66
Why am I looking for signs of interest? Answer, I got gun shy after her dismissal of my original interest. But, I still wonder if she's open to something, and I want to be able to move with confidence.

The answer is that the fear I originally had is still there. If it were some different chick I wouldn't care as much. Just go for it and if she retracts, so be it.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:08 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:56 pm
Posts: 276
Let her go Yudansha, let her go...

_________________
All is more simple than you make it.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 7:07 am 
I read your other thread about IM communication.

She invited you to Thanksgiving?

That's a holiday. If you have any priorities then you spend it with your family.

If you have any type of principles relating to personal time off, such as holidays, then you only spend them with people that you consider FAMILY.

guess what that means....

I hope you didn't go. I can't remember the original post in this thread and what the story is though.

You have two options. Make her shit or get off the pot. It's killing you.

I'm going to share something that's very private that I did to get over attachment.

After I fucked a girl a little while back, I couldn't accept that it was just a one time thing. SHE HAD BEEN CHOOSING ME FOR FOUR YEARS.

FOUR FUCKING YEARS! It was my initial attachment that made it a one time thing when the sex clock started ticking.

Here's what I did: after she told me that she chose some 37 year old guy who lives in her home state I deleted her number, deleted the call logs (so I couldn't find the number again), and deleted the text messages.

Then I wrote a hate letter. It was the worst hate letter ever. I was just talking about everything I LOVED about her and calling her a bitch. There was twice as many things, if I remember correctly, that I liked than disliked about her.

Due to the constraints that I have at my school. If someone found out I wrote such a vile thing I could jeopardize my schooling. So, the letter was placed in my personal copy of PIMP, and I forgot about it. Let me tell you that I was halfway there before I thought about the consequences. She probably wouldn't tell, but if someone else over heard me reading that they might have felt uncomfortable.

Today, I decided to walk over to her room to apologize for my attachment because I didn't treat her fairly and check her as much as should have been done. Plus, I didn't give her the space she needed.

A funny thing happened. She wasn't there, but all those feelings vanished without a trace. I knocked once for the her. I knocked twice for courtesy. Boom! Walking back to my room without a thought in the world. My mind was so quiet.

I'm surprised because I have two women to manage right now.

Enough about my story. Try writing the letter. See how that makes you feel. It seems like it's difficult for you to adequately process your emotions right now. This will help. Nothing is off limits in the letter, your fantasies, hates, anything. Unload it all.

If that doesn't do the trick. Take the letter with you and read it to her. It will be the scariest and most exciting thing you've thought to do in the last month. I guarantee.

Also delete all contact information relating to her. You cannot be able to communicate with her at YOUR whim to really feel what I'm getting at.

Then, if that doesn't work, wait about 2-4 weeks and randomly show up at her house when you think she might be home with a second letter created that talks about what you learned and what you want to apologize to her for that wasn't fair to her, that didn't treat her ACCORDINGLY.

That's the thought I had when I went to the room to visit the girl that had been choosing me for four years. I don't even feel like it's an issue. She and the apology have no value. She was not available to receive important information as I deem it. Guarantee you won't think about her again.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:29 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2013 4:31 am
Posts: 66
Wow, I knew this forum would have a great deal of value. This approach is pretty different than all the others, and there are some pretty good points in here.
Quote:
She invited you to Thanksgiving?

That's a holiday. If you have any priorities then you spend it with your family.

If you have any type of principles relating to personal time off, such as holidays, then you only spend them with people that you consider FAMILY.

guess what that means....

I hope you didn't go. I can't remember the original post in this thread and what the story is though.

You have two options. Make her shit or get off the pot. It's killing you.
Well, my family is all across the country. I had generalized plans for Thanksgiving and pretty much knew the basic crowd with whom I would be spending it, but my plans hadn't solidified as of yet. When she asked, I bought a couple days to get back to her. I then ran it by a close friend of mine. His advice may not be as advanced as what I would get from y'all, but he thought that since the girl and I had a friendship, she at the very least was just wanting some company. Or, that it may have been a "good sign" (his words), maybe she wanted to put me in the traditional BF roll without the risk. Like a test, or reassurance, or something.

So I did go. I wanted to see for myself what it was all about. Maybe it would bring her closer, maybe she gets over whatever her barriers are to us being together. I'll wait for you to stop laughing, but these are the thougths that came to me. It was the invitation for a private drink at her place after we drove back to our side of town that I really wanted a reality check on ... that story is all at the top of the thread.

But your point, shit or get off the pot, is VALID. I have to do it first! By that I mean, either sucome to being her platonic "plus one" and life in the friend zone, if that's her intention, or give her the ultimatum. I don't want to spend the next 5 holidays hearing her answer to the inevidible question, "we're just friends." Fuck that.
Quote:
After I fucked a girl a little while back, I couldn't accept that it was just a one time thing. SHE HAD BEEN CHOOSING ME FOR FOUR YEARS..... Today, I decided to walk over to her room to apologize for my attachment because I didn't treat her fairly and check her as much as should have been done. Plus, I didn't give her the space she needed.
I'm not super clear why your treatment of this chick was not fair...she chose you for a 4 year period and you ignored her? Then when she got off you and chose the 37 year old dude, and you were pissed, you realized that you were pissed for no legit reason? Just wanted to make sure I had that right.
Quote:
Try writing the letter. See how that makes you feel. It seems like it's difficult for you to adequately process your emotions right now. This will help. Nothing is off limits in the letter, your fantasies, hates, anything. Unload it all.
So write her a letter, tell her everything that is going on in my mind. Everything. OK ... that might serve as a catharsis, maybe a profound one...I'll think about it.
Quote:
If that doesn't do the trick. Take the letter with you and read it to her. It will be the scariest and most exciting thing you've thought to do in the last month. I guarantee.
YIKES! I'd never see or hear from her again, but for the wrong reason, I thnk. She'd freak out that I dumped all that emotional shit on her. As of now she knows only that I once mentioned us becomming more than just friends (and was thoroughly excoriated on this forum for doing so). Not one additional word about us as a romantic possibility has been mentioned again.
Quote:
Then, if that doesn't work, wait about 2-4 weeks and randomly show up at her house when you think she might be home with a second letter created that talks about what you learned and what you want to apologize to her for that wasn't fair to her, that didn't treat her ACCORDINGLY.

I don't see what I have to apologize for, unless I really did read a hate letter to her...I don't see that happening. I'm not blaming her for this...I may be pretty pissed about it, but that anger is not directed at her. She is just a demonstration of some crap going on in my mind, some past loss, something I still haven't identified. At least that is what I think.

We have a decent friendship ... she's a woman and therefore crazy in the way all women are, but I like her company. As far as girlfriends go, she would be a good one for as long as it lasted. Or so it seems from my current perspective. I'm not ready to vaporize the friendship yet. I would like to be able to convey that ultimatum, shit of get off the pot, without vaporizing the friendship. But that's probably not possible.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:08 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:56 pm
Posts: 276
You don't need to say another word about your 'romantic intentions', it'll be written ALL over you.

All we have are our ideas of people. I gaurantee that she is not who you think she is. You're not seeing her in reality.

Let her go. You don't need to do anything, nor read her any letters, nor tell her what or why. She knows. Now fucking let her go.

_________________
All is more simple than you make it.


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 Post subject: Re: Thanksgiving Debrief
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:01 pm 
Rolan wrote:
You don't need to say another word about your 'romantic intentions', it'll be written ALL over you.

All we have are our ideas of people. I gaurantee that she is not who you think she is. You're not seeing her in reality.

Let her go. You don't need to do anything, nor read her any letters, nor tell her what or why. She knows. Now fucking let her go.
Rolan is right. You don't have to do anything except let it go.

How you achieve that is the question.

Yudansha, what I told you was what to do after she gets off the pot because it's going to hurt you.

I actually forgot to write what to do to make her shit or move.

Now that I think about it. It's best for you to figure that out yourself.

Her putting you in the friend space really fucked with you.


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