Natural Freedom

This is my first post, but hopefully not my last.

An old acquaintance recently popped back into my life through the miracle of social media. I've always like this woman, we have a great deal of interests in common and I've always had a solid rapport and a nearly effortless conversation with her. Let me also say she's my "type" as well. Until recently it had been over ten years since I'd seen her.

So, back to the present, we became friends online, on the phone and had a lunch date once as well. I became pretty invested, and found myself thinking about her far too much. At one point I told her I could see our friendship becoming something beyond just friendship. Her answer was something about how we weren't romantically compatible (she's into astrology). She eventually said we'll "play it out."

I let the issue go, and have not brought it up since ... but I went through a week of emotional torment. Bouts of overwhelming sadness, anxiety, frustration, anger and a pain in my stomach continued ongoingly, only sleep seemed to provide any relief. Its irrational, its not like I discovered my wife in bed with my boss or something! But the blow was a crushing one.

I backed off a little, stayed offline, or at least off facebook, and tried to let this thing go. We had one conversation recently resulting from her messaging me the other day, "hey there stranger" of something like that. That actually eased the pain some, but its bound to regress.

I am no stranger to a number of methods of personal growth, enneagram, LoA, advaita, etc. I am pretty well versed in these, and have tried to find my way to some kind of peace, but its pretty overwhelming. Maybe not as much as it was at first, but I really need this OUT OF MY HEAD.

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

2 questions: Should I even bother to tell her what is going on with me? She knows nothing about it. My inclination is to say nothing, but was wondering what y'all think. And, how advisable is it to remain friends? The second one is complicated. I have read that some on this forum will not be platonic friends with a woman. I don't have that policy, but each situation is different.

Label change eh

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From what I've read you don't want to know the root of your problem, you like to swim in the symptoms of the "problem", thus; you still want to play with toys.
"My Type"... My god...
Ten years to internally resolve this needines of yours about her, and you still go mad needy when you interact with her... Tell me that this, isn't pathetic? So, NO, you are still in the past. And you are interacting from this boyish premises about her. There's no present updated shit in your filtering, there's this same old, rusty, needy, inferior, unreal, fucked up glasses you still wearing to see her...
No, you don't, if, then... you really wouldn't made a thread about that particular girl.
Torment?, that you created, that is your current internal mental state, that have nothing to do with her, but you blame that poor girl about your illness.
This methods are complete bullshit and a more like a hindrance (knowing you are superior because you know methods of "personal growth", and stuck in this loop) if you pay attention and address the big pink elephant in the room you can advance, until then, you are ignoring the essential and using the methods as a "distractor", and doomed to fail if you keep this shit going like this. Yer, it cannot go out of your mind, you need to shift your perception (there's no spoon).

Your questions will be mockingly irrlevant, once you know the real "situation."

If you are not trolling, I recommend to you to read the basic shit around here. MANDATORY.

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GMST

Hit up wikipedia for 'limerence'.

I vote for yes on both questions.

@Dali, .

Let's start here: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sarcasm

Or, is this clearer:
An old acquaintance recently popped back into my life through the <sarcasm>miracle</sarcasm> of social media

Let's move on.
Do tell. The symptoms are the first problem you get. The real problem is invisible until symptoms arise. The symptoms are unpleasant, to say the least. They are experienced like the same thing, although I'm sure they're not.
There was then, and there is now. Sure, I have regretted the missed opportunity, but that's it. The "neediness" appeared when the interaction happened. Note I said "appeared." I may be the one creating the bullshit, but not intentionally.
OK .... so I can just put on a different pair of "glasses" and poof, its all different? Isn't that like trying to tell yourself you hate chocolate as you eat your 23rd candy bar of the day? Or, maybe better said, an addict trying to tell himself he doesn't need drugs or alcohol?
Perhaps I am failing to communicate. By "let the issue go" I meant that I did not continue to discuss it with her, I moved on conversationally. I did not argue with her in any way. Just dropped it as a point of conversation. As far as blame is concerned, that is your fabrication altogether. Do I associate her dismissal of me with the emotions I experienced (am experiencing)? Yes, because her dismissal is the catalyst of those emotions. I haven't assigned one iota of blame on her, or placed any guilt trips on her of any kind. Not in my own mind or in my communications with her.
Superior? Is a history of interest in discovering one's real nature vs. one's mind/ego/etc really me being superior? If some methods are complete bullshit and others are not, who, then, decides which are which? I am assuming that there is something within these pages in the way of real wisdom, beyond adolescent fantasies and associated tricks to how to get your dick into as much pussy as possible without admitting that's what you're really trying to do.

I'm pink elephant color blind in this situation, perhaps, so if there's one here, maybe we can go straight to that conversation. I've made the decision that I am done with whatever pattern or mindset is responsible for this crap. There's obviously something hidden from me that a shift in perception may reveal. That is why I am here.
That is how I started ... and have continued up to now. Of course, the basic shit is intentionally ambiguous. Like I said above, a lot of seems to be oriented toward establishing a self image that inoculates fragile male egos against the sting of female rejection.
There is a lot on how to game chicks, turn their tactics back on them, etc. Seduction stuff, which is mostly nonsense unless your quarry is mostly 20 year-olds, etc. Lots of variations on how to "Tao of Steve" girls panties off, or whatever. I get that.

But among all that, there seemed to be some discussions about the kinds of things that happens in real life. People get blind sided once in a while. And it could be that someone in this forum has had to deal with that, and found some helpful ways to excise the internal machinery responsible for this particular depression/anxiety/whatever. I'll continue to read the "treasures" thread as was already doing. Nothing in "Kidd's Korner" seemed at all relevant.

Limerence applies to some degree, seemingly. As for your vote, I'll take the addition of the mrgreen smiley to mean the opposite, no?

Hey I'm not that twisted.

My vote stands. No smiley.

Ask yourself why YOU are feeling this way, why YOUR energy is reacting to her this way and what the causes of sadness/anxiety/depression/anger are, and what they are tied to.

She is not the answer. Any action rooted in trying to manipulate or force a certain reaction from her (be it in something she does, thinks of you, or doesn't think of you) is the taking a step back (although we all need to take a step back to take one forward sometimes).

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

Good to know you acknowledge your blind spot, it's good.

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GMST

What's done is done, but never say that to anyone again.
Just let it be there, it's not going to kill you. It'll go.
1. No.

2. Not right now. Eventually, perhaps.

Work on yourself, ignore her, and when you've become more balanced within yourself then she'll see a more real 'you', and probably wanna fuck.

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All is more simple than you make it.

Do what you feel like doing.

Let it all go.

Come back to us with the result.

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler

Looks like you have created a story about this woman (like in the back of your head you think she is your 'perfect girl'- something that doesn't exist BTW). She doesn't see you that way and the moment she will meet her X-factor (a guy she really likes who will want her) she will dump you.

sorry bro, but you are going to have to let her go.

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"a sniper is the worst romancer, he never makes the first move"

what ever you do, you starting from wrong position.

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“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl

Why can't you fall in infatuation with yourself like you did for that woman.

How do you value her?

Tell me exactly what you value about her.

Advaita Vedanta could not have less to do with 'self improvement.'

Take extreme caution to any teacher who says otherwise (my favorite ones say flat out, it has nothing to do with making a "better" life or self, in fact it will strip away everything of yourself until it isn't there any more).

Not an easy one to market

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4

Just realized something......Uhhhhh OP (original poster because I can't even begin to spell that name).....

Why don't you take such cold and calculated analysis towards this woman that you do to Dali's post.

That would get you soooooo far. I'm not even kidding.

Lots of stuff to think about. That is why I am here, to rid whatever it is that causes this to happen. I appreciate the comments. Let me reply some:


Slim- I have, somewhat. It would piss me off and throw me into anger ... and I do not like anger. But its better than the other shit so yes ... I will take stock of that approach and analyse her in a cold and calculated way.

What I value in her... hmmm. Rather than list all the qualities I like about her, which is probably not what you are asking for anyway, I'll distill it down to this: My understanding of what you mean by x-factor, big time. A set of shared interests that border on unreal, that spurs a powerful intellectual connection. A similar set of values, or the way we judge the world. I'll have to think some more, but it boils down to the way I feel when interacting with her, as cliche as that is.

Flow, panoramix- I am pretty versed on the Advaita thing ... I grouped it into what is commonly called self improvement out of convenience. And it has helped ... at least somewhat, when I can experience enough distance to just let the quagmire that is occupying the space be the quagmire that is occupying the space. It intensifies the feelings/emotions and sensations, which is uncomfortable, but probably the quickest way through. Of course, what, or who, wants to get all the way through? Advaita is that way.

Sniper- Most likely, that it the way it seems to go. Of course, that would be in a world where she didn't dismiss my interest in her. Interesting, I was going to write "in a world where she allowed something to happen." The "allowing" or not allowing, being her choice and not mine, seems to be a problem. Will look into that.

Rolan- We have all heard the axiom that you never let someone know you are into them. If both parties play that game, how the hell do people ever get together? I can see, of course that I would have been better off to have not said it in this case, because of the result I got. But if she were in the same state of mind, I'd be at her house fucking her right now rather than here writing this. Or so I would like to believe. As to your suggestions, I get it. One problem, of course, is that if I do ignore her, she may clue into what's going on. I suppose its no matter if she does, so long as I don't say anything.

Nice

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4

Part Deux:

Dali- Neediness is a symptom and a cause, a self-fulfilling prophecy. There a plenty of women that I have liked, even loved to some degree, that didn't reciprocate, or the timing was off with. I may feel disappointed about it, but nothing like this. This was something totally different. But the short answer is, the neediness is the cause.

The emotional shit, that is the cause of what is termed neediness. I have no idea what it is specifically, or where it came from. It probably does not matter. I'm not up for 20 years of therapy where I wallow in my emotional swill and make some practitioner rich in the process. i want freedom... starting with freedom from this kind of suffering. And believe me, that is the right word for it.
I don't follow you here. I am NOT discussing this with her. Once I got that she wasn't interested, the subject of us becoming more than friends, or the state of our friendship, ceased altogether. In fact, only she has referred to it at all. She dropped this the other day, over the phone, in the middle of a lengthy conversation about a mutual interest: "its good we can't be together ..." I don't know why she thinks it "good" or whatever the hell was meant by that. I didn't ask, I just continued the discussion. Did it trigger internal shit? You betcha.

Re tools- They have worked some. But I continued my search for PEOPLE from whom I could learn. The tools have pointed out some things that make sense in light of my experience, I mentioned Advaita in my last post. You can go in circles talking about what Advaita is or is not, or how it entails an inquiry into who we are, or are not. Better left for another discussion. Suffice it to say that the tools I have led me to this place. I got really clear that I am the cause of this nonsense and that I want to be free of it. And that I intend to grow out of whatever is at the root of all this, so to speak.

re being strong- No, I do not identify with suffering, nor do I want to repeat this in order to become stronger. It would only serve to become "harder." Hardness, although romanticized in the movies as gangsta-cool bassassery, is just cowardice and fear, and internal woundedness being covered over. And it will bind you, not free you. I get that.

moose- I don't know the answers to those questions yet. I'll be sitting with that, among other queries, until some clarity arises. I see that trying to elicit something from her is just indulging the addiction. I suppose I have done a little of that. I will not do any more.

ahk- Can you say why you think its a good idea to tell this woman what's going on with me? The prevailing opinion, including my own, is that it is not wise to do so. I'd be curious to know your reasoning.

Appreciate the replies. I hope to hang with this community indefinitely, I believe there is a lot to discuss and learn here ... well beyond sudden, pathological bouts of womanitis.

Yud... whatever you name.

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GMST