Natural Freedom

How do you decide when to be nice and when to not give in? I give people the impression that I'm self-serving and firm I guess. I don't want to seem weak like a beta male. I don't like to do things I think make me look weak or obey expectations I think are part of the societal matrix. I kinda want to rebel against people's expectations if I think they're simply part of the social matrix. For example in spanish class my teacher got mad at me. I had an A in the class so I talked to my friend and didn't really pay attention or care about the class. I messed up a joke to my teacher and she got hurt. She got interrupted during my delivery and when that happens I can never seem to deliver with the same energy or wording. I butchered my joke and the tone came across as mean. She pulled me aside and told me she didn't like my attitude (not caring about the class) and I wasn't being like a Christian (I hurt her I guess was the reason). Honestly tho if I have an A why should I care much? I don't want to care just because my teacher wants me too. I had an A.

I like to help and serve. For example I helped an old lady off a side walk (was kinda high), it was dark and she was having trouble. She looked like she would have fallen without my help. There was a need. I'm happy to help if there's a need, but if somebody can do the job themselves then I wouldn't if it doesn't makes logical sense. Like I'm up so I can get you a glass if you ask. I do a lot of what I think is perceived as selfishness because I don't want to seem weak. Like people expect you to do stuff. For example I was putting salad on my plate I was in my sister's bf's way. She wanted me to move grabbed me and I didn't. I took literally about a second to finish up and move, but I can tell the vibe they perceived wasn't good. Saw bf's face. I didn't want to seem weak and it seems kinda illogical to move when I will soon be out of the way. With girls I don't like to initiate hugs, and I don't like to go to them. I'd rather they come to me. I don't like to text first, but with friends I often do however. I'm extra staunch with girls. Unless I''m attached to the outcome. How do you decide how staunch to be. How do you not appear selfish, aloof, or whatever.

Deciding when to be staunch is something that just requires a bit of fine tuning. General rule of thumb is if it serves an immediate need other than a bruised ego go ahead. Like if I'm discussing terms of rent or working out some kind of deal.

As for your sister I would have just smiled and said go ahead.

With people asking you to get stuff for them, I'd do it once...if I was already up. And then ask them to do the same sometime a little ways down the line. If they refuse you have leveled the playing field in your mind and have cause to not help them again. It's easier to put down your foot without over compensating when you can see the passive aggressive behavior.

I'm the same agish as you I think from the fact you said your still in school. And I feel you on the whole social heirarchy thing. Always constant struggles for dominance, people always trying to beta other people. It's annoying as shit sometimes . The key is indifference and when it does get to you to not let the fact that it got to you show.

Time is a precious resource, you cannot ever get more of it are you going spend it on games that sap and drain your energy or on your dreams?

I'll text first and give her the benefit of the doubt, it doesn't cost me anything. If they decide to play whatever game they want let them. Again I'm focused on my dreams and ambitions, I don't have time for their games or figuring them out...don't care.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

How about helping your fellow students by not disrupting the class.. Or simply helping them, helping the teacher..

I sense some diametrically opposed principles in what you have written.

Is an A really the best you can do?
When you get an A do you give up?

What about when you move to the next class/school/college and that 'A' is now only worth a 'C' ? Will you start paying attention then?

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This to me does not sound about being staunch.. There is something beneath this, an undercurrent flowing beneath all of this... Look deeper.

Observe yourself when you are doing this, how does it feel? what are you thinking? etc etc

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Honestly I only took the class because I had to. I have the desire to learn spanish and I thought I would over the summer. It's not really on my list right now. I mainly talked with my friend who was doing alright I think. He knew spanish better than me. I felt like I wanted to have fun and do what I wanted. I wasn't disrupting the class although.
I do have conflicting desires. However where do you see the opposed principles? Wanting to help and not caring? I think there are two different subjects in my post (the spanish class and staunchness with people). I honestly don't think I could really help anybody with spanish I don't feel like I'm very good at it. I was like a mercenary getting the grade was like getting paid. I only cared about the grade at the time. I focused more on math because I struggled there.
I am lazy I would settle for an A not a C. I have gone through periods of doing my best and I get burned out... Its a lot of work. A B is like average for me. I seem to do pretty good with little effort so I've gone by school doing little. I have definitely worked hard at times and even enjoyed that sometimes. My last english project, my speech was the longest and my teacher really liked it. I feel like she thought it was one of the best. I must have got a really good grade because my final grade shot up compared to how I did the rest of the terms. Low A's mostly. My work ethic fluctuates. Talking with my friend wasn't normally what I did. I discovered this place and tried to apply things I thought I learned. I realized I did get out of hand in areas of my life.

The spanish teacher one was something different than the dinner and girls. I noticed that after I typed. With girls I try to be staunch because I don't want to look like a symp. My indifference has increased although I let girls get to me a lot. Spanish I wanted to be cool and not be subject to other peoples opinions I feel. I had insecurities and I wanted to do the opposite I think...